I had a fear of climbing Chestnut Trees.

But now I have conkered it!!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andyginn12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
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I re-skinned my drums with the skin my faithful steed Chestnut. I want people to reflect on the emotional connection between man and beast through the art of drum solos.

But my wife says I'm just beating a dead horse.

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
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I used to dread walking under Horse Chestnut trees in the autumn.

But after years of therapy, I've managed to conker it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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I pulled this ol' chestnut out last night...

Daughter's 10 birthday party. Her friends are talking about eating snails...

Me: "Hey, do you think that snails want to buy cars with a big "S" on the side?"

7 little girls: "Why would they do that?"

Me: "so when they drive past, people say 'look at at that S-car go!'"

I watched 14 eyes roll simultaneously and loved every minute of it!

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2013
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πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tutandgroan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2017
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My father is full of old chestnuts. Here are two that stuck with me.

"Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana."

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read."

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brianjenkins94
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
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I once had a big phobia of chestnuts

but pleased to say I've recently managed to conker it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMBiSH
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2017
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"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" comes on

"Oh no! Chet's nuts! Poor Chet"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoupOrSonic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
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This chestnut of my dad's would make a trip to Spain impossible

Whenever anyone mentions a tapas bar, my dad acts all offended and asks them why they are discussing topless bars

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πŸ‘€︎ u/snillocw
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2013
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Driving down Chestnut Avenue.....

Chestnut? I'm more of a leg man, myself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tannerlaw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2014
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My 6 year old gave occupations to the Planters Mixed Nuts.

Cashews are bankers.

Peanuts are urologists.

And Chestnuts are plastic surgeons.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/inspire_me_please
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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You need to know a little french for this...
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/juzkuz1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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Nut joke as told by my dad today

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chest?

Chestnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on the wall?

Walnuts

What do you have when you've got two nuts on your chin?

.

.

.

.

A dick in your mouth.

Groans and facepalms were had.

EDIT: Formatting

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonaman8
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
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he walked right into this one...

http://imgur.com/uw6in88

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/el-eric
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2015
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A holiday themed joke

I was driving in the car with my daughter when The Christmas Song by Nat King Cole comes on the radio

"Daddy, how do they roast chestnuts?"

"On an open fire, duh"

Cue eye roll and a 9 year old googling the answer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minnick27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2014
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My dad loves Christmas carols.

Every year on Christmas we'll have Nat King Cole playing through the house and eventually "The Christmas Song" comes on. Without fail, Dad belts...

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire. Jack Frost nosing at your nips."

Every year.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PerkinsKebab
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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Robin Williams Dad Jokes Mike Rowe

Mike Rowe on meeting Robin Williams the first time:

The first was in 2006 - June or maybe July. I walked into The Roastery down on Chestnut, ordered a coffee, and sat down to read the paper. I soon discovered I was in one of those chairs with one leg shorter than the rest, and resolved to remedy the problem by jamming a folded-up coaster under the offending limb. I bent down, got the thing positioned properly, and managed to smack my head on the edge of the table on the way back up. Hard. The impact was noisy, and sent coffee slushing all over The Chronicle, which in turn lead to an β€œAhh...shit!,” a little louder than I intended. A second later, a voice said, β€œNo, I believe that’s coffee. Shit’s the stuff I see you crawling through every time I turn on the TV.”

source

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silentex
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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