chainsaw
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gcknight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
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Two lumberjacks were cutting wood. One of them shouted at the other over the noise of the chainsaw, β€œWhat was the name of that tree ring dating app you were using?”

The other replied, β€œTiiiiimmmber!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pippingigi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Chainsaw
πŸ‘︎ 317
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Minewrecker
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
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A man had a chainsaw accident and lost 2 fingers. He lost 20% of his touch.

Ouch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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chainsaw
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kai_T4
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
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My new chainsaw
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRedBow
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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Chainsaws

A brilliant man created a new chainsaw that only required 5 grams of sodium chloride and just one AA battery to work. It was charged with a salt and battery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/5Dimensional
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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CHAINsaw
πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoTheCow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2019
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The 4chan Chainsaw
πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GingerManBearPig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2018
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You are stuck in a cement room with only a table and a chainsaw, how do you get out?

You cut the table in half, because two halves make a hole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rottweiler67
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2019
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Someone sent me a chainsaw in the mail today.

Shit. Now I have to send a saw to 5 other people.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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It’s a chainsaw
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoonWithASpoon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
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What's the difference between a thief that's struggling with depression, and some gum trees getting chopped down by a cat with a chainsaw?

One's a felon feeling glum, and the other is a feline felling glum

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πŸ‘€︎ u/deepBlueCheese
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Chainsaw?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flashmanMRP
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2017
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I found a chainsaw at an amazing price today.

It was a real stihl.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urbestfriend9000
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2014
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After Handing Me The Chainsaw,

Here, hold Stihl for me.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Esrange
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2014
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What's the difference between a toothpick and a chainsaw?

If you don't know, you better not pick your teeth!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/grrlove
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2014
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Juggling seems fun

But I just don’t have the balls to do it

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeOsaru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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I was cutting down some trees in the middle of the night and I couldn’t see anything...

But I heard my chainsaw some stuff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheMooseKnuckler_
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
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My friend was fired from his lumberjack job after failing to cut down a tree 8 times...

He had exceeded the maximum number of loggin' attempts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BZW77
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2018
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Someone's been sawing logs in the restroom

https://preview.redd.it/ol97brabcgq11.png?width=480&format=png&auto=webp&s=4eeb77a9b2a2fdeff6ec4e281544fd4cdb492d83

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scruluce
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
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hmmm
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hen_Zoid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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The floods had subsided, and Noah had safely landed his ark on Mount Sinai. "Go forth and multiply!" he told the animals...

...and so off they went two by two, and within a few weeks Noah heard the chatter of tiny monkeys, the snarl of tiny tigers and the stomp of baby elephants.

Then he heard something he didn't recognise… a loud, revving buzz coming from the woods. He went in to find out what strange animal's offspring was making this noise, and discovered a pair of snakes wielding a chainsaw.

"What on earth are you doing?" he cried. "You're destroying the trees!"

"Well Noah," the snakes replied, "we tried to multiply as you bade us, but we're adders… so we have to use logs."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bittibitti
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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The best joke my dad ever told

My dad is really proud of this one. It's the only joke he's ever told that's been funny enough to make somebody laugh so hard that they spit out of their nose. It was a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity for this joke, so let me give you some context first:

He's been in a motorcycle accident (hit and run by an illegal immigrant), and had to have most of his vertebrae fused. They use titanium rods to hold your back from bending, so as you can imagine its kind of a major operation. His doctor prescribed a year (or longer if needed) of massage therapy, which he was thankful for. Twice a week he went in to a small clinic for a few hours at a time, and usually had the same masseuse. Let's call her Marge.

After four months of therapy they of course got to know each other very well. He was always faithful to my mother, but he was good friends with Marge. Their conversations range all the way from baseball to differentials, and everything stays platonic.

Here's where the story begins:

During a massage, they are having an energetic conversation, the time comes where he turns onto his back so that she can get to his knee ligaments (chainsawed his kneecap a few years prior, doc said may as well get there too). She goes at it like normal, and the conversation continues. Now here comes the part that made my dad wait to tell me this until recently: The "stimulation" in his knee for some reason, on that day out of all others, triggered a reflexive erection. There was nothing he could do to stop it.

The conversation goes quiet. Marge notices, but doesn't say a word. She remains professional. She continues working. My dad is more embarrassed than he's ever been. Several minutes of silence pass, and my dad cant take it anymore.

"Marge," he says, "I think we need to talk about the elephant in the room."

He raises his head to look down the table at her. He glances at it, then back to her. With a slight shake of his head he says:

"Wait nevermind, it's only his trunk"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DONT_PM_MEH_PLEES
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2015
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I noticed some really nasty weeds in my yard.

I tried my gas-powered trimmer, which is normally up to the task, but I couldn't cut through them.

I tried using my mower to tear them up, but it couldn't make a dent.

I got out the manual tree branch trimmer to try to take out some of the bigger stalks, but I just couldn't cut through.

Finally, I got out my chainsaw, and even then, the thicket just clogged it up & wouldn't go down.

I give up.

I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/popegonzo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2018
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This is my dad’s favorite joke, and it’s completely awful

Three college students (Jim, Tom, and Steve) decided to stay overnight in an abandoned house that was supposedly haunted, all to prove that there was nothing supernatural there. They decided to sleep in separate rooms to increase chances of scary things happening. Each room was connected to one long hallway which lead to some stairs. After a while, the three called it a night and went to their separate rooms.

At midnight, Jim woke up to the sound of a scream coming from one of the rooms. He ran out into the hall where he met Steve, who also had just woken up. They walked into Tom’s room, and he was nowhere to be found. β€œSurely this must be a prank” thought Jim, and he and Steve decided to go back to bed. He slept for almost an hour when Jim woke up to another scream coming from a different room. He ran into the hall, and this time Steve did not join him. He walked into Steve’s room, and noticed that Steve had completely vanished. Still in the mindset that this was a prank by his two friends two, Jim went back to bed.

An hour later, Jim woke up to the sound of thumping in the hallway. He went out of his room and saw a giant coffin with chainsaws attached to where arms would be. The coffin was also blocking the exit, meaning that the only way to go was the stairs! Jim immediately ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, then heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started running again! He ran into another set of stairs going up, so he ran up them as fast as he could. He stopped to catch his breath, when once again, he heard the thumping of something coming up the stairs, so he started to run. Eventually, he reached a dead end in a bathroom. He turned around to see the coffin at the doorway. Frantically, Jim scavenged the cabinets for anything he could use to fight it. All he could find was some cough drops. Using all the strength he had, he threw the cough drops at the coffin. Upon impact, the coffin suddenly started to dissolve! Before long nothing remained of it. Jim was astonished! The cough drops had stopped his coffin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PlatinumPoptart
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2018
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[Meta] Can anyone think of a good dad joke gift idea?

I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.

Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?

EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Made a few dad jokes at work this week

So I work in a distribution wearhouse for an orange chainsaw company and I work there with my dad.

So a few of the guys in the wearhouse like to wear toques, a winter hat that covers your ears for you non-Canadians, and my dad mentioned this to me as we're heading off to lunch so I say, "well, I guess there are toque kinds of people...". Even my dad groaned.

One of the afore mentioned toque wearing guys was picking a particularly big order consisting of mostly gloves, and he starts complaining that there are too many damn gloves in this order. So I sarcastically replied, "I bet you just gloved picking that order." He just turned around and walked away and didn't speak to me the rest of the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dorminder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2015
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Dadjoked by my old man

Today my dad and I were trying to take the cover off the top of a chainsaw. He undid the screws and couldn't get the cover off. I said "What is holding this thing on?". He replied by saying "I don't know, i think I'm screwed".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shipwreckor
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2015
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