Cat Food Puns

Pawsta

~Nyaan~ bread

😂

Ill see myself out now 😅

Don't ask meow

Now they’re spoiled to the alba-core.

Mice Krispies

I guess she thinks she's a purr-son

Most cats get pretty angry when they're wet.

He died from meow-nutrition.

He'll learn soon enough, that times have changed.

'Nah' I replied,'they all taste the same to me'

Dad: "I think we might need some cat food."

Me: "But we don't have a cat."

Dad: "Well you're such a pussy I thought you might appreciate it."

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

“Every time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, ‘The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

“I’ll call you later!”- “Please don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

“My dad literally told me this one last week: ‘Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

“Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, ‘No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: “Wow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

“Me: ‘Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: ‘Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

“I heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

“How can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

“What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: “Don’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: “No, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

Why did the scarecrow win a prize? Because he stood alone in his field! He stood there for years, rotting, until he was forgotten.

I tell my kids, you’re allowed to watch the TV all you want… Just don’t turn it on! This way they will begin to understand the futility of all things.

How does a penguin build a house? Igloos it together. Like all animals, it is an automaton, driven by blind genetic imperative, marching slowly to oblivion.

Why don’t skeletons go trick or treating? They have no body to go with them! The skeletons are like us: alone, empty, dead already.

I don’t really like playing soccer. I just do it for kicks! Like all of humanity, I pretend to enjoy things, and others pretend to care about my charade.

You hear about the moon restaurant? Good food, no atmosphere! If you eat there, you forfeit your life, which would make no difference to the universe as a whole.

Why did the blonde focus on an orange juice container? It said concentrate! She realized that society’s depictions of her were like the juice: formulaic, insipid, fake.

My wife told me to put the cat out. I didn’t know it was on fire! By the time I could act, it was incinerated, a harbinger of the path we all must take.

How come the invisible man wasn’t offered a job? They just couldn’t see him doing it! This man stands for all of us: unseen, misunderstood, irrelevant.

Today I gave away my old batteries… Free of charge! No one wanted them, so I became angry and threw them in the yard. The battery acid now leaks into the soil, killing a colony of ants. A sparrow eats their bodies and is poisoned. Somewhere in the Serengeti, a lion devours his rival’s cubs. Then the lion is shot by a poacher and sold to an unloved rich man whose father was an unloved rich man. In five billion years, the Sun will become a bloated giant, boiling the oceans and consuming our pointless cruelties with flames. I wake sweat-drenched and screaming, staring at the visage of a faceless god. “WHAT HAVE I DONE?! HOW COULD I BRING A CHILD INTO THIS WORLD!?” But this god, like all gods, is nothing—just my son’s Wilson baseball mitt, sitting on my dresser, mocking me.

Will February March? No, but April May! Soon we become ash, and time forgets us.

Source: https://www.mcsweeneys.net/articles/nihilist-dad-jokes

Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.

It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.

The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.

On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".

I was telling the kids about a cat I had when was their age and how she loved Tandoori chicken. I explained that when we used to order in Indian food she would sit on the arm of the sofa waiting for someone to bring a chicken leg up to their mouth and then, quick as a flash, swipe it out of their hand and run off with it.

Quick as a flash, my boy said "Well, it WAS a takeaway"

So proud....

We're leaving town for the weekend and I put out food and water for the cats.
Me to wife: "I already fed and watered the cats" Her: "maybe they'll bear fruit this year."

Mom: The cat killed a mole today, it looked like she was eating its head! Dad: Well everyone calls her stupid, maybe she was looking for some "brain food".

Nice one dad.

My family was all eating spaghetti around the kitchen table one night when my Dad just started chuckling out of nowhere, spaghetti sauce falling down his shirt. His laughs quickly got louder and more food began to fall out of his mouth. Everyone immediately knew what was up.

"So...haha, so what do you get when you cross a cat with some fireworks?"

We blankly stare back. "What?"

"Kitty Kitty Bang Bang!"

He then just stared at us all laughing, tears in his eyes. My mom got up and left the room.

So I was at Petco buying cat food when I saw a dad and daughter walk in with a malamute. The daughter walks to the cats and asks:

"Can we get one daddy?"

"No sweety, he's already ate two."

Dad: the cat needs to fatten up she looks horrible

Me: yeah, maybe we should give her two cans(cat food)

Dad: I don't know, toucans are really expensive, plus we'd need to import them.

My mom had come to visit me for the first time since I got married. She'd never been around cats before. In the morning when we were getting ready our cat start crying to be fed. My mom offered to do it and headed off before I could say anything.

We always give our cat 1/3 of a scoop 3 times a day, but I saw that my mom had given her an entire scoop. I said, "You just gave her the whole day's food in one fell scoop!

When the family is at a restaurant and the waiter/waitress comes up to us, introduces themselves, and then asks:

"Now before I take your orders, does anyone at the table have any food allergies?"

My Dad goes: "Just Cats!"