Did you hear the one about the secret agent that was captured behind enemy lines with a sheepdog as part of his disguise?

When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.

When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2020
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3 Cannibals were arguing over how to eat a missionary they captured.

Cannibal 1: We should boil him!

Cannibal 2: We should roast him on a spit!

Cannibal 3: No! Can’t you see he’s a Friar?!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKoke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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I played monopoly with my family last night and managed to capture every railroad

Everybody thought the game was a real trainwreck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egreaves14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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My brother happened to be in Himalayas and captured the most detailed photo of the Abominable Snowman...

Experts say it is the best yeti!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?

the scent of old spies gave him away

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asianwaste
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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I was captured by ISIS after Iran away

Now all I’m China do is to survive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamgej
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
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Did you hear about the psychic who was captured by cannibals? They had to very carefully prepare to eat him for the tribal feast.

Because very rarely is a medium well done.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I've been told I'm condescending.

(That means I talk down to people.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2020
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My grandfather was captured by the Germans in WWII. Being a high-ranking officer, they kept him captive for months but all he would do is sit in his cell saying "tick... tick... tick...". Their top interrogator was sent in to get important information out of him...

When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather

"vee haf vays of making you tock!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaultyData
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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If a new Dad manages to capture video of their child breastfeeding for the first time, is it okay for them to title that video

"The Noob on the Boob!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2019
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Bigfoot has managed to evade capture all this time despite his popularity.

That's no small feat.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pointyhead19
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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OMG, I can't believe Trump wanted Turkey to reveal it's tactics for capturing eight-legged, two-tentacled sea creatures!!!

He tried to do it squid pro quo.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2019
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I once painted a picture of a man using fungus.

I thought it was a clever way to capture his licheness.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/-Masderus-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2020
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Why couldn't they capture the cyber criminal?

Because he ransomware

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajmansell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight

Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"

Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"

Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"

Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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We’ve never captured an elephant hiding in a tree. They’re just too damn good at it.
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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What are plants that captured evidence of crime called?

Photowitnesses

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πŸ‘€︎ u/789_ba_dum_tss
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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Three men are captured by canibals

The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die. The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat. The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2019
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I was the one who captured the invisible man.

He came walking out of his tailor's shop and I followed suit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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An escaped prisoner was captured down at the docks.

They were harboring a fugitive.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRtHonLaqueesha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
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Robin Hood was finally captured and tied up.

The sheriff of Knottingham was the one who got him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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The leader of a cannibal tribe was slowly cooking a man in a pot

Cannibal Leader: "What did you do before we captured you?"

Man: "I was an editor for a newspaper"

Cannibal Leader: "Soon you will be editor-in-chief"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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On this day in 1944 the smallest soldier in WW2 was captured by the Allies.

He was caught sleeping on his watch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/H20ape
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2018
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King Henry V's greatest military achievement was capturing Harfleur with a single marshmallow

One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnagramancer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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I tried listening to trap music, but it didn't capture my interest.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sentientdoors
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2017
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TIL that when the ancient Assyrians captured an enemy, they cut his legs off at the ankles.

They made sure he was defeeted.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hitokirizac
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2018
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Next in the Bourne series: Jason goes rogue and captures Benjamin Netanyahu, and declares himself permanent ruler.

Don’t miss β€œBourne is the King of Israel”

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2018
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What do you call it when a Jojo fan makes a photograph to capture the moment?

A Diorama

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuzzledKitty
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
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I've been torturing my daughter with jokes for years now

And here they are

In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.

Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:

Vol. 1

Vol. 2

Vol. 3

Vol. 4

EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!

Also, thanks for the gold.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/geoffevans
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2018
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What does the Roman villain tell his henchmen when he wants to capture the heroine?

Caeser!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/UncleVinnyLe
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2017
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In the interest of history, I tried to read Adolf Hitler's manifesto.

But it was too Kampflicated.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slmckay73
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
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Bob Hope captured in the air on film. We now know for certain that Hope springs eternal.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/T618
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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News anchor: This just in. Polaroid cameras are coming back in fashion.

More on this as it develops...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
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An evil wizard..

There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2019
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Got my 6 year old last night.

Daughter: Do you know what my favorite kind of bird is?

Me: Cockatiels? (my educated guess since we have two)

Daughter: No, it's an owl.

Me: Who?

Daughter: An owl.

Me: Who?

Daughter: AN OWL!

Me: Who? (while laughing)

Daughter: Daddy... (finally catches on, but not amused)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/blindninjafart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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Did you hear about the dinosaur that robbed the bank?

He was veloci-captured

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Funny quotes from Blackadder the Third

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.

[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words β€œI have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.

Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is β€œa case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.

Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?

Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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Just the other day I had this delicious juicy burger. Can you guess what I ate it with?

I ate it with my mouth, of course!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Southern_Corn
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2018
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There was a weird Crab

Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.

His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.

Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.

After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.

Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/happy_anand
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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Alien waterfowl

"Help I've been captured by alien waterfowl!"

"You mean ab-duck-ted?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlastLeatherwing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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A thief attempted to steal paintings from the Louvre in Paris...

But was captured two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All he could say for himself was β€œI had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!”

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πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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Not sure if this fits the mold, but I am a dad and I like it...

So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die.

The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head.

The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head.

The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies...

FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD-DAMN CANOE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimble2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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Serial killer

A serial killer who takes body parts as trophies was captured after attacking a uniformed police officer and severing her arm. When asked why he went after the officer despite the danger, he simply replied "It was a wrist I was willing to take."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aerd_Gander
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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