I got a bee.
Everybody thought the game was a real trainwreck
the scent of old spies gave him away
"The Noob on the Boob!"
That's no small feat.
Because he ransomware
Don’t miss “Bourne is the King of Israel”
A Diorama
Caeser!
When he was put to death, his captors ground him up and baked him in the oven covered in gravy and mashed potatoes.
When questioned as to why such a cruel and unusual punishment was administered, they stated that this was the only way to correctly execute a shepherd spy.
Cannibal 1: We should boil him!
Cannibal 2: We should roast him on a spit!
Cannibal 3: No! Can’t you see he’s a Friar?!
Now all I’m China do is to survive
Experts say it is the best yeti!
Because very rarely is a medium well done.
When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather
"vee haf vays of making you tock!"
He tried to do it squid pro quo.
Photowitnesses
(That means I talk down to people.)
The canibals say that they will be killed and their skin will be made into a canoe, and that they can choose how they die. The first one jumps off a rock, the second one cuts his throat. The third one takes a fork, starts stabing himself and yelling 'NO CANOE FOR YOU!"
He came walking out of his tailor's shop and I followed suit.
They were harboring a fugitive.
I thought it was a clever way to capture his licheness.
The sheriff of Knottingham was the one who got him.
He was caught sleeping on his watch.
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
They made sure he was defeeted.
In case this is your first time here (I haven't posted in a while), I find jokes here and elsewhere on the internet (and now my friends have started sending me jokes), and I text them to my daughter. I then capture her reactions for those sweet, sweet internet points.
Thanks very much to the original joke submitters. You dads are alright. If you missed any of the previous episodes:
EDIT: Since this is blowing up, I may as well mention that the young lady in question just passed her driver's license test this morning! Everyone congratulate her!
Also, thanks for the gold.
Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I captured her."
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
Cannibal Leader: "What did you do before we captured you?"
Man: "I was an editor for a newspaper"
Cannibal Leader: "Soon you will be editor-in-chief"
But it was too Kampflicated.
More on this as it develops...
Daughter: Do you know what my favorite kind of bird is?
Me: Cockatiels? (my educated guess since we have two)
Daughter: No, it's an owl.
Me: Who?
Daughter: An owl.
Me: Who?
Daughter: AN OWL!
Me: Who? (while laughing)
Daughter: Daddy... (finally catches on, but not amused)
There was an evil wizard who hated mathematics. One day he decided that he would end math once and for all, by capturing the 10 digits, and locking the away forever in his secret prison. So he cast his spell, and all the digits, from 0 to 9 were under his influence. He put them in his magic sack and rode off to the prison. When he reached the prison, he opened the sack. To his horror, there were not 10, but 9 digits there. After searching thoroughly he realized that...it was the 1 that got away.
He was veloci-captured
I ate it with my mouth, of course!
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): I have come up with a plan so cunning you could stick a tail on it and call it a weasel.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Morning, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Leave me alone, Baldrick. If I wanted to talk to a vegetable, I would have bought one at the market.
[Referring to a suicide pill they have both been given, after being captured by French revolutionaries]
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): I’m glad to say you won’t be needing that pill, Mr. B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Am I jumping the gun, Baldrick, or are the words “I have a cunning plan” marching with ill-deserved confidence in the direction of this conversation?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): They certainly are.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Well, forgive me if I don’t do a cartwheel of joy; your record in this department is hardly 100%. So what is it?
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): We do nothing …
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Yup, it’s another world-beater.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): No, wait. We do nothing … until our heads have actually been cut off.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): And then we … spring into action?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): [to Baldrick] Unless I think of something, tomorrow we go to meet our Maker: in my case God, in your case God knows.
Baldrick (Tony Robinson): Sounds like a bag of grapefruits to me, Mr B.
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): The phrase, Baldrick, is “a case of sour grapes” – and yes it bloody well is.
Mrs. Miggins: The Scarlet Pimpernel, Mr. Blackadder! He’s so exciting, don’t you think?
Blackadder (Rowan Atkinson): Actually, I think he’s the most over-rated human being since Judas Iscariot won the AD31 Best Disciple Competition.
http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/funny-quotes-from-blackadder-the-third/
Whenever he used to walk, his claws used to make a ta-ta-ta-ta sound.
His other crab people used to be away from him. Due to this sound.
Once he was captured by a predator and was bumped on a rock and got loose from the predators grip and ran away.
After the bump his ta-ta-ta-ta sound went away automatically.
Since that incident, he got friends and a new name- Santa Claus.
"Help I've been captured by alien waterfowl!"
"You mean ab-duck-ted?"
But was captured two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. All he could say for himself was “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried anyway because I had nothing Toulouse!”
