A list of puns related to "Big Five"
As my son have me my 50th birthday card, I said " You know, i would have been happy with one"
😁😆😅🤣😂🙃
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
As a professional children's entertainer, finding the dad jokes thread has been a real blessing. I work mainly with children between the ages of four and eight, and, for obvious reasons, I need to keep my jokes clean. In my business, a groan is just as good as the laugh because it usually is accompanied by a smile!
I'm afraid I don't know who started it, but the "this paper says otherwise" is easily one of my favorites. I took the liberty of having 500 business cards that say "otherwise" on them. I use them in my performances in a variety of ways. If I see a dad after my show who looks like the type who might enjoy a good pun, I will go up to him and ask him if he thought the show was good. Inevitably he will say yes, and I'll tell him that "Unfortunately this card says otherwise." I then leave the dad with the card to use at his own behest.
Just wanted to give a big shout out and a big thank you to the Dad jokes community for inspiration. People ask me what I do for a living and I tell them I'm the Jimmy Fallon to five-year-olds. Thanks so much for contributing all you guys do!
A young man comes up with a great idea for a new shipping method. He designs everything himself, hires people to create models, and deduces that he can use old fashioned boating technology to increase shipping speeds by up to 350%. This is obviously a great innovation, so he calls up a former Business professor from college and gets into contact with a manufacturer. The manufacturer makes the man come in and present his design to the board of directors, so they schedule a meeting in two weeks.
At the meeting, the board is blown away. The man’s charisma, design, and equations all point to a massive innovation in shipping. The company is poised to make a huge profit. Construction starts immediately.
On his flight back, the man happens to sits next to his old buddy from high school, Jimmy. Jimmy tells the man that he has just blown the farming world wide open. His new GMO potato produces five times as much energy and has been the talk of the world. Jimmy says that all the news outlets have been reporting potatoes to be the next big superfood, and his design is poised to make him millions, if not billions of dollars. Jimmy pitches the man for the entire plane ride, and convinced him. They hop on the next flight back to visit the board of directors once again. The board is shocked. Both ideas stand to make billions of dollars for the company, but there is one slight problem.
The CEO says to the man, “we know you have these two ideas. However, we can only allocate enough resources to make one of them profitable. I recommend you take some time off and really decide which of these ideas you want our company to produce. We can schedule a meeting in a few weeks if that works for you.”
The man says right back to the CEO, “I’m going to take a walk and clear my head. This is a big decision” and walks right out of the room.
Not even five seconds later the man comes back into the room and says “I’ve made my decision. Let’s go with the shipping method.” This shocks the CEO, who says “are you sure?? This is a billion dollar decision and you only took five seconds to think about it.”
The man looks back at him and says “well, in this business time is money— so I decided to make my decision schooner rather than tater”
Me: Mom, are we going anywhere for your 50th since its the big one.
Mom: hmm havent really thought about.
Dad: Hawaii
Me: ah, why Hawaii?
Dad: Because it'll be Hawaii five-0
Yesterday, I was running back from the school bus after asking the driver to give me a moment because my disabled son had had an accident and I was about finished cleaning him up. It was raining and muddy and I was in my bare feet, but this is the norm out here.
On the way back I managed to get my big toenail ripped up off the nailbed down to about halfway to the cuticle. Never done that before in 31 years, and oh my, I have to say it was a whole different level of exquisite agony when I finally noticed it. Funny how you never notice things like that until you see all the blood and how it doesn't even hurt until you touch it.
Sparing you the details of tracking in blood for five minutes before I even noticed I'd done it, the husband cringed quite a bit when he got home from work and saw it.
Fast forward to today--my period started and I had one hell of a headache all day long. He gets home from work and asks, "you ok, babe?" Because I'm usually pretty cheerful when he walks in the door, but today I was cranky as fuck.
"Eh, period started. Headache. Glad you're home, I can take a pain pill and you can watch the kids."
"Oh." He looked me up and down slowly and grinned. "So... now you're hurting from head... to toe?"
Motherfucker.
My cousin's girlfriend (CGF) is a primary school teacher and last night we were discussing her class size and the subjects she teaches.
Me: "How big are the classes you teach"
CGF: "ive got 28 in english and maths, 30 in science and 28 in topics"
Me: "What on earth is topics?"
CGF: "oh its stuff like history, R.S, Art, Geography and all that stuff"
Me (With the biggest grin on my face holding back laughter): "OH, THE HUMANITIES"
my girlfreind and CGF groan, me and cousin laugh and high five.
Sidenote. My couisn is one of the biggest dad jokers ive ever met, so he really apreciated the terrible joke.
Okay, this is my first time posting to this sub. :) I work at a kid's play center, and with the big Frozen craze going on lately, we have about five Frozen themed birthday parties a day.
We had a Frozen birthday party a few days ago where someone brought in their own balloons, and one of which has Elsa on one side of the balloon with Anna on the other side. We have a new girl that I was training at work, and she pointed out the balloon today and asked, "Wow, how did that get there?"
With the biggest grin on my face, I proudly said, "I guess someone just accidentally... Let it go."
Dad: Do You know what a "Big" is?
Me: A big what?
Dad: Have you ever purchased a "Big"?
Me: Dad what are you talking about? What is a "Big"?
Dad: I don't know, but I just got like five emails and everyone's "Bigs" are on sale. That's why I am asking.
Me: Shakes head and facepalms
Dad: What do have if there are five oranges in one hand and seven oranges in the other? Me: Twelve oranges. Dad: No. Really big hands.
So my dad and I were going around the Hollywood walk of fame, and we saw Tom Jones's star. My dad is a big fan, so he took a picture of it, but there was dirt all over it, along with a bunch of the others around it. My dad said "Of course Tom Jones's star is the dirty one." And I said "no dad, that's not unusual," and I got a blank stare until he laughed and gave me a high five
During the Super Bowl there was another football game being played: big animals vs small animals. After the first half the big animals were crushing the small animals. Nevertheless, the coach of the small animals gave a rousing halftime speech to keep spirits high.
The second half begins and the small animals are on defense. On first down the elephant is stopped for no gain. Then on second down the rhino is stopped for no gain. Finally on third down the hippo is sacked for a five yard loss.
After the series, the coach gathers the defense on the sideline and says, "Who stopped the elephant?"
"That was me," responses the centipede.
"And what about the rhino on second down?" the coach continues.
Again the centipede responds, "That was me too, coach."
Lastly the coach asks who sacked the elephant.
Yet again the centipede takes credit.
The amazed coach says, "Well where were you the first half?"
"I was getting my ankles taped."
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.