Punstoppable

Assaults Puns

A list of puns related to "Assaults"

If a baker assaults somebody with a baguette...

...can he be charged with assault with a breadly weapon?

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👤︎ u/BrillWolf
📅︎ Sep 04 2020
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Why did the judge set the bail so low for the ostrich charged with assault?

He wasn't a flight risk.

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👤︎ u/Joesdad65
📅︎ Jun 06 2020
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Assault camera
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👤︎ u/moses10960
📅︎ Jan 18 2020
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My girlfriend was arrested for assault using an iron skillet

We'll see how this pans out but I think she's fried

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👤︎ u/hotsprings1234
📅︎ Apr 12 2020
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Today a man tried to assault me with a knife

Damn, that was a sharp moment.

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👤︎ u/NothingHereBuddy
📅︎ Apr 15 2020
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At the casino a woman accused me of assault

And I say "But I'm the blackjack dealer, it's my job to hit people."

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👤︎ u/Nicholas-Pressey
📅︎ Apr 13 2020
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What do you call someone who regularly assaults people?

A seasoned offender.

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👤︎ u/ireallydontker
📅︎ Feb 14 2020
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If you attack someone with a jalapeño... is it assault

Or a pepper?

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👤︎ u/Kafuto2147
📅︎ Nov 14 2019
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Why did seven assault nine?

He really heighted him

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👤︎ u/hoodiededumdum
📅︎ Sep 23 2019
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Apparently there was an almond charged with aggravated assault.

I get the police do a lot of good, but I don’t know how I feel about them busting a nut in public.

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👤︎ u/adc2502
📅︎ Aug 24 2019
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I threw a fuzzy peach at his head and he said "that's not assault that's a sugar"
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👤︎ u/babyshaker_on_board
📅︎ Sep 02 2019
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What’s the opposite of assault?

A pepper.

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👤︎ u/I-think-Im-funny
📅︎ May 22 2018
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Hear about the Lady Gaga impersonator getting arrested for assault?

She was doing Poke-her Face.

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👤︎ u/Spotted_Lady
📅︎ Oct 29 2018
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What Happens When You Assault Someone With A Battery?

You Get Charged

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👤︎ u/BillyBobbyJoeX
📅︎ Mar 10 2019
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Where was the bunny taken when he was charged with assault and battery?

A Dura'cell'

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👤︎ u/Time_Traveling_Panda
📅︎ Mar 14 2019
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What’s the difference between assault and battery?

One comes out of a shaker and the other comes from a pack

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👤︎ u/Darkhemispheres
📅︎ Nov 09 2018
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If someone throws sodium chloride at you, that's assault.

Sodium chloride is a salt. Assault is pronounced like "a salt" in some places.

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👤︎ u/Ian_The_Great1507
📅︎ Jun 15 2015
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Adam Levine was sugar bombed and the perp was arrested for assault

Dad: "But it wasn't assault! It was a-sugar!"

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👤︎ u/TaraNiploff
📅︎ May 07 2015
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Newspaper story headline was "7 facing serious drug and assault charges."

Well that explains why 7 8 9.

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👤︎ u/dpatt711
📅︎ Jul 18 2014
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