I told my daughter, โ€œMom keeps asking me if Iโ€™m an Alice in Wonderland character and itโ€™s getting really annoying!โ€ She asked, โ€œAre you mad at her?โ€

โ€œGeez! Donโ€™t you start too!โ€ I screamed.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/madazzahatter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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A couple of character shifts and Alice in Wonderland becomes A Lice in Wonderland.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Bandicute_Springs
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Do you know Kris Alice?

She used to be a caterpillar, but now sheโ€™s a butterfly.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/VeryOriginalName98
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 24 2020
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Alice should have never found wonderland. But she found a 'plot hole'.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/jely_ben
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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I took my gf Alice to see the Northern lights

She didnโ€™t seem interested, so I asked...

Does the Aurora BoreyouAlice?

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Blame-runner
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 16 2018
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Alice B. Toklas brownies

I'm embarrassed at how long it took me to see the [unintentional] pun there.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Nyckname
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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Alice realized she would have to delay her trip a day since the White Rabbit demanded she give him a trim right now. She sighed, "Oh well..."

"...hare today, gone tomorrow."

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/johnabbe
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 27 2017
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Dr. Alice Smith is a veterinarian and a herpetologist.

See Alice for a reptile dysfunction.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/disconformity
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 19 2018
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My dad keeps telling me trivia about Alice in Chains and Nirvana

He says it's because Alternative Facts are all the rage right now.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 8
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Ennui_Go
๐Ÿ“…︎ Feb 07 2017
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Alice Roosevelt, daughter of Theodore Roosevelt, had a long-time extramarital affair with Senator William Borah. They had an illegitimate daughter together, Paulina Longworth, who Alice referred to as "Aurora Borah Alice" [from /r/todayilearned] en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aliโ€ฆ
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/emilvikstrom
๐Ÿ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
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So my dad asked "were there dice in the play Alice in Wonderland?"...

...And my mom says "no, there were cards, why?"

To which my dad responds, "oh that's too bad. If they needed an understudy, the director could say 'And tonight, the role of dice will be played by...'"

My mom just gave me the "why did I marry this guy" look. It was a nice moment.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ojbway
๐Ÿ“…︎ Nov 02 2014
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I have a list of friends who love palindromes!

Nell, Edna, Leon, Nedra, Anita, Rolf, Nora, Alice, Carol, Leo, Jane, Reed, Dena, Dale, Basil, Rae, Penny, Lana, Dave, Denny, Lena, Ida, Bernadette, Ben, Ray, Lila, Nina, Jo, Ira, Mara, Sara, Mario, Jan, Ina, Lily, Arne, Bette, Dan, Reba, Diane, Lynn, Ed, Eva, Dana, Lynne, Pearl, Isabel, Ada, Ned, Dee, Rena, Joel, Lora, Cecil, Aaron, Flora, Tina, Arden, Noel, and Ellen.

๐Ÿ‘︎ 9k
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/icemage27
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
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Please, don't hate me.
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/orlanthi
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jun 08 2020
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Looks like my door couldn't handle it
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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Liv_Kato
๐Ÿ“…︎ May 31 2019
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My little sister was telling me about the reading she had in school today

Her: โ€œYeah we read Alice in Wonderworld today!โ€

Me: โ€œOh yeah thatโ€™s the one down in Florida, right?โ€

I canโ€™t wait to have my own kids and fully ascend.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/Phransisco
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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Shitty Band Names

Can you guys come up with toilet-based puns for musicians/band names? Like Poo Fighters, Turdy Seconds from Mars, sTool, Pee Diddy, Our Lady Piss, Fart Minor, Michael Pooplรฉ. That's all I have for now :D

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/ellynmeh
๐Ÿ“…︎ Mar 14 2016
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My 4 year old dad joked me

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/aarononly
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Every day when he comes home to me and the dog

"Oh look, it's my favourite dog! And Alice." The dog's name is Alice.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/supemily
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 03 2013
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The Swearing Snake

It was a sunny afternoon in the city, and a 29 foot Amazonian Anaconda slithered into a hipster burger store. The snake slithered up to the counter and looked over the menu to find that everything was gluten free. The anaconda was disappointed, because he always found that the light fluffy bread on each end of his burger was his favorite part of the burger.

The clerk greeted him with a smile. "Hello! My name is Hyun! Can I take your order?" he said.

The anaconda responded with a sentence so foul I cannot type it here. It contained several swear words and many racial slurs against his server, all because the burgers would be served without buns.

Hyun reeled back in disgust. He requested an apology from the snake. Again, the anaconda belted out horrible curses and vulgarities.

Hyun, being the good Christian man that he is, said that he would call upon his good friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism on the snake if he didn't leave. The snake finally slithered out upon hearing this.

About an hour later, the anaconda slithered back in with his owner. They approached the counter.

"Now what seems to be the problem here?" Said the anaconda's owner.

"This snake came in swearing up a storm and causing all kind of trouble all because we don't serve gluten in this restaurant" said Hyun.

"I threatened to call my friend Sister Alice to perform an exorcism if he didn't leave."

"Oh" said the anaconda's owner "Sorry about that. My Anaconda don't want nun unless you got buns, Hyun".

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/unibod
๐Ÿ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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Me and my sister

Me: Alice, what is the coldest tree? Alice: What is the coldest tree! Me: The Buuuuurch Tree Alice: angry grunt

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/AcidAssasin
๐Ÿ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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My Dad sees a stinkbug on the wall...

...(to my Mom), "Alice, the house has been bugged."

The worst part is how seriously she took him until she realized.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/gravygray
๐Ÿ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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it'll do that...my friend just dropped this one

me: I accidentally added Poison by Alice Cooper to my Christian playlist...I'm dying

him: Poison will do that to you.

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๐Ÿ‘ค︎ u/doctor__lecter
๐Ÿ“…︎ Jan 13 2014
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