It was a very pivotal moment
He had to Putin a lot of work to get where he is.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Me : No net work.
(the joke is on me)
What's the opposite of an Octagon?
An Octa-returned!
*Me entering my sister's room and see her studying.
Me: "What's up? Wanna play Halo?"
Sis: "I want to but I can't. My exams are coming."
Me: "Then don't open the door!"
Sis: *groans
Today while driving, my 2.5 year old asked for "tookies" and I replied with "Turkeys?" She responded quickly with her little "no". I feel proud that I can finally dad joke my child now. (This is an advancement in conversation structure between us)
It's the only way for me to achieve inner peas.
It only takes one our.
He stood up and said “you breader believe I’m not loafing around, I’m on a roll!”
My wife says I'm a quack head
*My son, a dad of a 3yr old, made this up when I told him a dad joke from this sub. He has achieved full dadness
Edit: typo
It’s soda termined
He quickly achieved the rank of “treem ”, rather high up in the rankings. However, it was not long lasting, as after a series of events he was demoted. His parents grew very annoyed of hearing him talking about having been a treem, his unfair demotion, and how much he hated his new position. Now, the gamer’s family often made little newspapers to share personal achievements and events with their family.
This weeks top headline read, “ex-treem dissed appointment”.
It's all been downhill from that.
He was outstanding in his field!
Then there will finally be no violins.
I’m not buying it.
He's criminally underrated to be honest.
'Don't mind him, he's just a product of our times.'
A pedegree.
He was later awarded the Nobel prize for his scientific achievements.
edit:OC
One s'more unto the breach, dear friends, one s'more
My crowning achievement is when I swallowed a trophy and couldn't poop it out.
I'd been doing yard and shed work on a hot day and bought some boardshorts/trunks from an op shop (goodwill) on my way home. Joked around with the older ladies at the register. They said I should try them on and give them a parade... As I was walking away I said "... nah, I'm too hot and dirty..."
As the words were still coming out of my mouth I realized what I'd done. I left in a confused haze of embarrassment and achievement. For a brief moment I touched the state of effortless dad joke.
While outside of Desano pizza...
If you have pizza two days in a row, is it a repizza?
Turns out it was just her crowning achievement.
After decades of dedicated and concentrated practice, I finally achieved my goal.
I can play guitar very badly.
He had no attachments.
His pride and joey!
It'll be my Magnum O'Puss.
He'd give props to all the people that helped him along the way?
Because that’s the baby’s crowning achievement.
Because he had to fight every steppe of the way.
They want to achieve hypertrophy.
You boil the hell out of it.
Dad: I give you props, son Me: Thanks dad Dad: Now go make a play
(We just found out that we're expecting our first child, which made it all the more urgent for me to begin practicing my craft)
Gf writes up list.
On said list: "Some fruit like bananas."
Me: "So...did you want the strawberry-like bananas, the orange-like bananas, the grape-like bananas-
She rolled her eyes so hard they nearly got away.
I was shaving off layers of my work boots' heels since they were worn in on one side, causing pain when walking.
After I finished I showed my wife the bits of rubber, "My Boots are heeled"
They're always in neutral.
P.S. Made a joke similar to this about a coworker who is runner from Switzerland. He actually groaned.
*ACHIEVEMENT UNLOCKED*
Blatantly stolen from my Uncles Facebook page (link in comments):
Uncle: I'm proud of myself. Instead of goofing off this summer, I chose to go back to school and better myself. I enrolled in a course and have spent the past few weeks in intense study, finally passing the final exam today with a score of 100% - a score that I'm pretty sure they don't see too often. It's not often that I toot my own horn, but this time I think I really deserve it. Thank you to everyone who helped me achieve my goal!
Friend: Congratulations! What subject?
Uncle: It was Traffic School. Speeding ticket. The system wanted me to fail.
So I reminded him about all things he could have achieved in life if he hadn't left college.
A guilt trip is still a trip right?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat. The crowd was silent... He pulled another rabbit out of his hat The crowd gave him nothing. Flustered, the magician pulled another rabbit out of his hat. This time the crowd went nuts!!!
Guess he finally got himself a hat-trick!
(A hat-trick is the achievement of a positive feat for the third consecutive time)
Finally sinners will achieve absolution.
I'm visiting my folks and my sister is over as well, and we're all eating the Popeye's. This is my dad's first time having it.
Sister: "Hey, so do you like this or KFC better?"
Dad: "Hmmm. I think I like this better actually, the quality at KFC has gone down lately."
Me: "Yeah. It used to be KFC. Now it's just OKFC"
And guys. My dad laughed. Did I make it? :')
Ok now that all the r/PunPatrol people are gone I am willing to be a spy for your organization. I have currently achieved the rank of supreme admiral punsniffer and have solid evidence on r/PunPatrol's next targets.
Now that 2019 is around the corner, you can achieve ultimate dad stats by sending a message to your contacts near the end of 2018. Then, send "Why did you wait a year to respond ?".
This only works once a year so be prepared.
I guess I'm an ogre achiever.
Delivery Man: Here's your queso guacamole
Manager: Is that a new flavor of guacamole?
Delivery Man: Nope it's just a case of it.
It feels great to be finally recognized for my achievements.
I've got a 13 month old daughter. She's awesome. Anyhow, she's only recently achieved table top height and likes to grab things off the edges (that was a scary development!) Anyhow, one time she grabbed the coffee grind tamper, dropped it and went "Bahhh!" and I said "Now you've lost your tamper."
I found it hard to achieve class consciousness.
So I tend to tell bad dad jokes as a nerd and father they fit well and my wife has grown tired but today she got me.
My eldest is away on a trip and the dishwasher is normally his chore, backstory over..
My wife is sorting the dishwasher and on completion states that we will have to unload the dishwasher in the morning or this evening and then we can put a cleaner in it..... she may protest but I’m sure we can make her fit... she then continued to laugh at her own dad joke for some time..
Achievement unlocked..
They are both crowning achievements.
Me: "Honey, please. It's 2017. I think they prefer the term 'cheegroes'."
Eyes were rolled, sighs were sighed. Dadjoke achievement unlocked.
Hey guys, this might sound too cheesy and I'm not sure if I'm posting on the right subreddit.
Every Saturday I give my SO a printed typography paper that I personally design with a pun of her name on it (her name is Des, I call her Mae so either is good).
Problem is, I can make the designs, but I'm running out of puns. Here's a list of what I've already done:
Des puns:
-
Hardest
-
Wordes (Words)
-
Widest
-
Uncondesionally (Unconditionally)
-
DrivES
-
Dessert
-
Fades
-
Des (This)
-
Holidess (Happy Holidays!)
-
Desperate
-
Desision (Decision)
-
Decades
-
Desert
-
Destination
-
Dress (DrESs)
-
Despresso (Espresso)
Mae puns:
- Maend (I hope you don't maend(mind)
- Maecadamia (Macadamia)
- Maengo (Mango)
- Maecaroni (Macaroni)
- Maeple (Maple)
- Lifetimae (Lifetime)
- Imaegine (Imagine)
- Chamaeleon (Chameleon)
- Caramael (Caramel)
- Achievemaent (Achievement)
- Gmaes (Games)
- Maek (Make)
- Drmae (Dream)
- Dramey (Dreamy)
- Maesure (Measure)
- Blmae (Blame)
- Maet (Mate)
- Climaet (Climate)
- Ultimaet (Ultimate)
- Maebe (Maybe)
- Mae (My one and only)
- Mae (Whatever May Happen)
- Maen (You mean everything to me)
- Maent (We're meant to be)
- Amaezing (Amazing)
- Maeutiful (Beautiful... I know)
- Maechiatto (Macchiato)
I'd really appreciate some help if you guys have any puns reserved. Anything will do, really.
Thanks!
EDIT: Formatting
He achieves near-Vanna on a daily basis.
Way back when I was a kid, for my school's Renaissance Faire-esque fundraiser, I went around wearing a sign that read "Vilage Idiot". When guests asked why, I'd reply, "I wasn't always the village idiot...
- “I used to be a tailor... but it didn't quite suit me... It was only a so-so job.”
- “I once was a lumberjack... but I couldn't hack it... so they gave me the axe.”
- “I was a fisherman too... I just couldn't live off my net income.”
- “I thought about being a witch for a spell.”
- “I tried being a chef... but I just didn't have enough thyme for it.”
- “I was a musician once... but I didn't accomplish anything noteworthy.”
- “For awhile I was a doctor... but I didn't have the patience to keep it up.”
- “I once was a accountant... but I lost interest. The job was too taxing.”
- “I tried moonlighting as a nun... but I confess, they didn't like my altar ego... or my bad habits.”
- “More recently, I was a baker... but I couldn't make enough dough at it... Guess I wasn't bred for the job.”
- “Heck, I was even king for a day... but I didn't have any crowning achievements.”
...And so now, here I am: village idiot, just like my father was. Ah... my father, he was the best village idiot we ever had. It's hard living in his shadow sometimes. You see, my father was a complete idiot! ...I'm just a half-wit.”
Funniest horse puns and jokes
A white horse walks into a pub and asks for a whisky. The landlord says: “Hey, we’ve got a whisky named after you.” The horse replies: “What, George?”
A horse trudges slowly into a pub and orders a drink. “Evenin’” says the barman, “why the long face?”
A horse walks into a smart cocktail bar. The doorman says: “Wait you can’t come in here without a tie.”The horse goes out to his car, looks in the boot and gets a set of jump leads, which he ties around his neck.He goes back in and says to the barman: “This alright?” The barman says: “Hmm, ok… but don’t be starting anything.”
A poorly-looking horse limps into a bar with a bandage round his head. He orders a glass of champagne, a vintage brandy and two pints of Guinness. He downs the lot and says to the barman: “I shouldn’t really be drinking this with what I’ve got?” “Why, what have you got?” “About £2 and a carrot.”
Which side of a horse has more hair? The outside What’s a horse’s favourite TV show? Neighbours
A racehorse owner takes his horse to the vet. “Will I be able to race this horse again?,” he asks The vet replies: “Of course you will, and you’ll probably win!”
Did you hear about the depressed horse? He told a tale of whoa!
A dead horse walks into a bar and orders a whisky.
“I’m sorry, sir,” says the barman. “We don’t serve spirits..
A talking horse walks into a bar and approaches the manager. “Excuse me, good sir,” the horse says, “are you hiring?” The manager looks the horse up and down and says, “Sorry, pal. Why don’t you try the circus?” The horse nickers. “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
Did you hear about the man who was hospitalized with six plastic horses inside him? The doctor described his condition as stable.
What did the horse say when it fell? “I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!”
Q. What does it mean if you find a horseshoe? A. Some poor horse is walking around in his socks.
A man rode his horse to town on Friday. The next day he rode back on Friday. How is this possible? The horse’s name was Friday.
Why did the pony have to gargle? Because it was a little horse!
What did the horse say when it fell? I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup!
What did the teacher say when the horse walked into the class? Why the long face?
What do you call a horse that lives next door? A neigh-bo
... keep reading on reddit ➡My wife was figuring out how to breastfeed for the first time and she asked herself out loud, "How do I know if she is rooting for the nipple?" I told her that it would sound something like this, "Go nipple go nipple go! Go nipple go nipple go!" She rolled her eyes and my dad status was officially achieved. I'm looking forward to a long, successful career.
A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless
The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference.
On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.
The doctor's office was associated with the local medical college, so there were a couple of med students watching the senior doctor work on my son's toe. He loaded up a syringe with anesthetic and injected in multiple places, explaining that he was doing this to achieve digital blocking (that is, numbing the entire digit, namely the toe).
After it was done they left the nurse to bandage my son up, and he said, "Dad? What did he mean by digital blocking?"
"Well, when you weren't looking he hooked your toe up to a USB port and downloaded some MP3s into it. If you hold your foot close to your ear you can hear "Laaaaa, aaaaa aa aaaaah, close to you.""
The nurse stared at me and turned to my son. "Is he always like this?"
He silently nodded, looking at the floor...
He's our crowning achievement.
To achieve a perfect lap.
"I was at a chess convention and the people were really annoying. They kept gloating about their achievements. I realized I was with chess nuts gloating in an open foyer."
Me: "Hey, it's Vladimir the wood pecker!" Group of friends: "Why Vladimir?"
"Because he won't stop putin' his beak in other bird's trees."
Collective groan achieved.
A little backstory: my girlfriend has had a small lizard living in her house recently. She's likened him to the mascot of a specific insurance company. Today, she found him looking rather ill and decided to release him outside.
Cue to me leaving her house tonight. As I walked out the door:
Me - "goodnight!"
Her - "Wait!"
Me - "Geez. You scared me. I thought I was stepping on something."
Her - "No, I just forgot to give you something. Oh no! The poor lizard! That would've been terrible!"
Me - " I know!! ... ... He would've never been able to achieve his Olympic dreams as a Gecko roman wrestler."
Her - "Go. Now."
My cube-mate was standing on a stool in his office and commenting how awesome it was to be so tall. Everyone was cracking jokes, and I asked, "Hey, do you suppose I could get a sample to try out?"
"... A stool sample?"
The other coworkers got it and laughed, and the one standing on the stool just laughed with us but apparently didn't get it, because a minute later he then hung his head and started laughing as well.
One of my proudest achievements at work!
"No, just this normal sized one."
Personal favorite way to achieve an eyeroll at the checkout.
... it was my crowning achievement.
chit chatting with co workers. one of them is getting a new cell phone and asked for suggestions. i told him to get a 4G cell phone because its for G's.
some of them don't understand hood speak and didn't get it, but i achieved a few groans.
So my little bro (13), my best friend (23), and I (23) all play the video game Monster Hunter together. My brother is working on a new set of armor in it and said this to me: "I think I'm going to make the helm for this armor set last and have it be like the crowning achievement". So me (being a new dad) look him dead in the eyes and just burst out laughing at how amazing that was. He didn't even realize he had made a stellar dad joke.
It was our last day in school. They were giving out trophies for the best academic achievements in certain subjects. The Maths award came up and he asked me
Teacher: What subject was that again?
Me: Maths, Why?
Teacher: Umm, it just doesnt add up
Facepalm ensues.
