According to ancient Japanese lore, your aura takes a particular colour when you die.
According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worst student she's ever had.
Oops... sorry, wrong thread !
A pirate walk into a bar
The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'
Pirate: 'Oh nothing'
'What about your leg, where did it go'
'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'
'What about the hook, where did the hand go'
'I lost it in a heated swordfight'
'Then how did you get the eyepatch'
'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'
'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'
'It was my first day with the hook'
According to a recent study, it’s really hard for women to work for the Postal Service.
It’s a mail dominated industry.
I identify as a man, my birth certificate says I’m a man, everybody I know says I’m a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, I’m a 4-person family
According to a recent survey...
According to a recent survey, 8 out of 10 people agree that they make up 80% of the population.
According to my chocolate advent calender....
There is only 3 days till Xmas.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
According to chemistry...
According to official NASA documents they have Aliens on the ISS.
They also have Alien, Alien 3 and Alien Resurrection - all on DVD.
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"
I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"
According to the new rules this year, NFL players are no longer allowed to have a chicken as a pet.
It’s considered to be a personal fowl.
I have decided to buy a new Honda directly from Japan and pay all the tariffs.
It will be my Civic duty.
The mods have a new way of improving the jokes we submit. They now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odour. One mod adds some floral funniness, another tweaks them with sweet smile appeal and a third makes sure they contain a few obnoxious puns.
From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humour.
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles....
According to Freud, what comes between fear and sex?
According to a survey, the favourite film of most hipsters is “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
It’s the first Indie movie.
Dogs can not contract coronavirus and do not have to quarantined anymore according to the world health organization
To clarify, WHO let the dogs out
Son: Dad, according to the manual, it’s not a good idea to have the volume of your phone turned up to the maximum.
Dad: That’s sound advice.
My girlfriend brought up a YouTuber therapist named Dr. Honda...
What follows is a transcription of our conversation
Me: I hope he helps his patients find Accord in their lives
Her: Well therapy is only one Element to success
Me: He's just doing his Civic duty
Her: He gives them Clarity and Insight
Me: On their Odyssey through life
Rats are underrated...
...according to the dictionary.
According to statistics,
people who are mean tend to be average.
I think this one speaks for itself
My wife has this weird case of OCD where she organizes the dinner plates according to the year we bought them.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
BREAKING NEWS: The man who wrote the hokey pokey died today, according to officials they struggled getting him into the body bag because they put his right leg in, then his right leg out, in out in out they shook it all about.
I met a bipolar fortune teller yesterday...
She says she either feels very manic, or quite depressed - never a happy medium.
(According to my facebook memories, I made this one up 7 years ago!)
According to Greek mythology, Chiron was a half horse half human doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.
There's a gang of shoplifters going across town systematically stealing clothes according to size.
Police say they're still at Large
This is a very hard joke according to my 5 year old son: What do a pineapples say when they're reading in the bed?
I forgot to brush my teeth...
I tried to cook according to a recipe but the food was bland
I should have taken it with a grain of salt
In 1935, an American went out on a quest to discover the Loch Ness monsters. He found that according to legend, there were at least 10 in existence. Instead of trying Scotland, he believed the US might have these lake monsters. In which state did he begin his quest?
What happens when you trip people in France?
According to a survey, 80% of the people don't know how to use the superlative degree in English.
That's the most stupidest thing that I've ever heard.
According to my dad, i should have been an astronaut.
He always said i took up space in school.
Best and worst death ? /!\ dark humor
« What is the best death according to you ?
-
I think the best way to go is to die like my grandfather... he fell asleep and never woke up.
-
Dying in your sleep is indeed said to be the best way to go. So what do you consider the worst way to die ?
-
Like my grandfather’s friends.
-Why ? How did they die ?
-They were in the car when Grandpa fell asleep. »
Tomatoes are fruits according to wikipedia...
That makes ketchup a smoothie!
According to USA Today, people have become less accepting of LGBTQ+ Americans since the election.
They aren’t having a gay old time anymore.
According to a survey 40% of the people are terrible at math.
The other 50% don't know grammer and speling.
According to a new report, adverse side effects from Botox injections occurred in a large number of people last year
None of them seemed surprised
Dad Joked by daughter
I had to go to court and was wearing a suit and tie. My 10 year old daughter thought this was fantastic for dress up was very interested. I took this as a teachable moment and wanted to tell her about showing respect for your personal appearance and showing up professionally. So I asked her, do you know why I dressed like this? She said to be professional. I said I want to show that I respect myself and I have respect for the court so I dressed accordingly. She laughed and said, "You mean you dressed acourtingly."
tl;dr
Daughter dad joked me about wearing a suit about dressing accourtingly
According to my wife's pregnancy app, our unborn child is the size of an ear of corn.
"A-maize-ing!" I exclaimed.
I was asked to stop laughing because I was "causing a scene."
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes when they die.
According to my chocolate advent calendar...
....there's only 3 days left till Xmas
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.
According to ancient Japanese lore, the colour of a person’s aura changes to cyan before they die.
A girl invited me to have sex on her Honda Civic
But i like to have sex on my own Accord
According to a recent study, 9 out of 10 people who are afraid of hurdles
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