I identify as a man, my birth certificate says Iβm a man, everybody I know says Iβm a man...
and yet according to Kraft Dinner, Iβm a 4-person family
π︎ 9k
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︎ Feb 28 2021
Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm starting to write a book about a tornado disaster
It's just a draft at the moment.
π︎ 294
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Her: Iβm leaving. I am sick of you wearing a different t shirt every half an hour.
π︎ 13k
π
︎ Jan 23 2021
A Kung Fu student asks his teacher, "Master, why does my ability not improve? I'm always defeated." And the master, pensive and forever patient, answers, "My dear pupil, have you seen the gulls flying by the setting sun and their wings seeming like flames?"
"Yes, my master, I have."
"And a waterfall, spilling mightly over the stones without taking anything out of its proper place?"
"Yes, my master, I have witnessed it."
"And the moon, when it touches the calm water to reflect all its enormous beauty?"
"Yes, my master, I have also seen this marvelous phenomenon."
"That is the problem. You keep watching all this shit instead of training."
π︎ 12k
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︎ Jan 10 2021
Dad joke but.. I'm a mother..
What Job did Beethoven get after he died?
He decomposed.
π︎ 299
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
I'm reading a horror book in braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 174
π
︎ Feb 27 2021
I'm putting together a book of tried and true recipes, none of which will include thyme as an ingredient.
>!I've decided the title is going to be 'Thymeless Classics'!<.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 22 2021
Iβm currently writing a book about wind, hurricanes and tornados..
Itβs only a draft at the minute.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Mar 06 2021
Need a pun and Iβm not good at them
Iβm making some art about a band with three spray bottles as the singers, what are some band names? It would be cool if it was a pun about sprays or a parody of an existing band, thanks
π︎ 2
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
A man walks into his doctorβs office and says, βDoctor, I think Iβm addicted to Twitter.β
The doctor looks at him and says, βSorry, I donβt follow you."
π︎ 788
π
︎ Feb 01 2021
I work as a tattoo artist in a wellness center making very specific designs and everyone get really surprised when I tell them that I'm also a doctor...
Nobody expects the Spa Niche Ink Physician.
π︎ 36
π
︎ Mar 01 2021
Itβs been years since the show ended, and Iβm a little annoyed that people are still making βFriendsβ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
π︎ 118
π
︎ Feb 02 2021
I'm going to start a yacht building business in my attic
Sails should go through the roof
π︎ 195
π
︎ Jan 28 2021
I'm writing a book about hurricanes and tornadoes...
It's only a draft at the moment.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Mar 03 2021
A Man in a hotel has trouble finding his room, goes down to the front desk and asks ' Excuse me, can you tell me what room I'm in please ? '
Certainly Sir, said the receptionist...this is the Lobby.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Feb 20 2021
My Girlfriend told me Iβm a very opinionated person.
I said βWell I think youβre wrong about that.β
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 09 2021
I'm having trouble organising a hide-and-seek league.
Good players are hard to find.
π︎ 69
π
︎ Feb 12 2021
Iβm on a whiskey diet.
Iβve lost three days already.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 14 2021
I'm thinking on getting a new job.
Working in a mirror factory is something I could see myself doing.
π︎ 34
π
︎ Mar 08 2021
Iβm planning a paint themed party for my friend, any paint/art themed puns I can use for the invitations?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Feb 05 2021
I'm reading a great book about antigravity
I just can't put it down.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Mar 05 2021
Iβm going to get a tattoo of a bee.
Itβs probably going to sting but it will be worth it. Credit to /u/louseashole
π︎ 15
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
Iβm told that Iβm a really good farmer.
Iβm out standing in my field.
π︎ 14
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
Correct me if Iβm wrong, but due to the ongoing pandemic, would it be smart to stay at least 6ft away from the chips and dip when visiting a Mexican restaurant?
You know, Salsa Distancing.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Feb 24 2021
Iβm thinking about becoming a proctologist who offers advice regarding peopleβs butts.
Anything I can rectum mend?
π︎ 19
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︎ Feb 22 2021
A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, only to be stopped by a priest at the door. "I'm very sorry but we don't allow Higgs-Boson in here."
The Higgs-Boson then replies, "But without me, how will you have mass?"
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 12 2021
I guess I'm a cheapskate with ADHD
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 16 2021
Was so proud of my boys. I just asked them what we should call the can opener that just broke. Iβm an instant they said, βA canβt opener?β They will be good dads someday!
A pic for anyone who wants to see it:
https://www.reddit.com/r/funny/comments/lum6ev/so_if_this_is_broken_would_it_now_be_a_cant_opener/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf
π︎ 46
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I'm currently having a competition with my son before his first birthday;
we're currently tied, but he's almost one.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
My son asked me, βBecause of the pandemic, Iβm on the computer 12 hours a day. Is that bad?β
Me: That canβt be comfortable. Try a chair instead.
π︎ 128
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︎ Jan 25 2021
i'm beginning to feel like a pun god
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 25 2021
Well, after all this time, they finally came in! I guess Iβm a dad now!
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jan 26 2021
I'm really bad at getting a laugh with a joke about USPS.
It always gets lost in the delivery.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 11 2021
I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
π︎ 144
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
Wife says Iβm a pushover
Iβll never βNoβ if sheβs right
π︎ 4
π
︎ Mar 12 2021
Saw a post that said "I'm looking for a new hairdresser".
How trusting. I look for experienced ones myself.
π︎ 25
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
I've decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I'm not big enough or strong enough.
I've just handed in my too weak notice.
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Oct 22 2020
I'm gonna start a German themed donut shop.
Any investors interested in backing Gluten Morgen?
Pretty proud of that one.
π︎ 17
π
︎ Jan 25 2021
I'm having a sale in my bedroom
and my clothes are 100% off
π︎ 12
π
︎ Feb 28 2021
Doctor said Iβm at risk of having a heart attack due to high sodium intake.
I took what he said with a grain of salt.
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jan 15 2021
See? To prove I'm not boring, I got a tattoo!
Her: oh, cool! What is it?
Me: Its my thermos, from work!
Her: Oh, well um, the line work is really...
Me: Don't touch the thermos-tat!
π︎ 37
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︎ Feb 19 2021
Iβm reading a horror story in Braille, something bad is going to happen
I can feel it
Credits- u/Wyzeman3283
π︎ 39
π
︎ Mar 04 2021
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.
It's impossible to put down.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Mar 16 2021
I'm reading a horror story in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen. I can feel it.
π︎ 48
π
︎ Feb 06 2021
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