Is that a tread or a promise?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fightmilk22
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2018
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I always wanted my dad to grow a beard and would try to get him to not shave in the mornings. As he began shaving, he would always promise me that he’d start growing a beard β€˜tomorrow’, but he never did.

He was a bald faced liar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CapnFancyPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
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A promise

For my highschool, Prom is this weekend. A group of friends asked the guy behind me in class wether or not he was going. He said no. He then said...

"I promise to go next year"

Then I turned around and said...

"Oh. You... PROM-ise to go next year?"

He said yeah then went back to work. 5 seconds later he slowly looked up at me with the "really?" Expression.

Worth it.

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πŸ“…︎ May 04 2019
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Making a promise is like writing a paper

It means nothing if you don’t make the word count

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LamboBites
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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How does a mouse keep its promise?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dblog68
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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A dentist is working on a judge and promises one thing....

....to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoDakZak
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2017
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I promise this will be a short story.

^story

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kv9109
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2017
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10 years ago I promised to myself not to touch a drop of drink while I'm at work.

I haven't touched a job since.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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High school started out promising for me, but I ended up selling meat as a job.

I guess you can say I butchered my grades.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hamz000
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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I promised my wife I would look after her 6 cats while she went to a business conference...

I pre-tended.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2020
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A mathematician comes home drunk at 3 AM. His wife: Hey, you promised to be in by 1145. What the hell happened?

Him: No, I told you I’ll be home by a quarter of twelve.

πŸ‘︎ 807
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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So I my son started to bark at me

Kept on insisting that I had promised to build him a treehouse but I don't remember evergreening this elm of a contract. Though he kept inisisting I had birch the agreement due to the long delay but my attempt to confern the fertility of the spruce was in roots. Now I have to oak up and face the spruce. My weekend has been soiled and I now have to maple my son's treehouse whilst I willow my day away. Although... Now that I twig about it, having a treehouse in my yard sounds like a pine idea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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Son, I love you, and I think you rock

But I promise I will never take you for Granite again

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M0ral_Supp0rt
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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My Life has been nothing but a disappointment. The Last 5 Years looked promising, but no such luck. After trying My Best, I've decided if One More Thing upsets me again, I'm calling it Quits.

Hmm, maybe I should start giving my race horses normal names.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roivas14
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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How do you start a fairy tale in the modern era?

If elected, I promise..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nandos677
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
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I told my wife I'd opened a theatre.

She said, 'Are you having me on?'

I said, 'I'll give you an audition but I'm not promising anything.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the_houser
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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When my grandpa turned 70, he promised he would walk a mile every day for the rest of his life

It's been three years since then, and I have no idea where he is

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crowningwalrus
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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What kind of rocks are sour?

Limestone! This was made up in the car by my 8 year old son as we were driving home from our Fathers Day outing. Promised I'd share it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tnkirk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.

She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2020
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I promised myself I would get a 4K TV for the family in 2016.

It's my New Year's Resolution.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/H-TownTrill
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys were gone with the wind at this point, as Tom spent all his waking hours playing with this one tractor toy.

Fast forward a few years, and Tom's now approaching his 10th birthday, with his love for tractors intact and intensified. His parents discuss what to get for him, and decide that a ride-on tractor to replace his bike is the best gift they can give him.

Tom absolutely loves the gift, and spends all of his time out of school riding around the neighbourhood while his bike collects dust in the garage.

We come forward a few more years, as Tom approaches his 18th birthday, with an only intensified adoration of tractors. His father pulls him aside on the morning of his birthday, saying "Now son, I know that we've promised you a car, but we know what you really want."

He leads him outside, to a brand new tractor with a bow on it, saying that this is his welcome to adulthood.

Tom is beyond excited, and spends the next few months going everywhere in his tractor - grocery trips, bars, classes, friends' houses.....

Again, a few years later, Tom is driving down a back country road, in the middle of nowhere, with his tractor, in the middle of a storm. The tractor breaks down, and with no air conditioning or any form of modern comforts, Tom is in a miserable mood until someone finally comes past for him to flag down for help. After this, Tom realises that although tractors are fun, maybe they're not the best transport method out there.

Tom ages through a few more years, and finds himself driving down another road in the middle of nowhere in his car, and sees a house on fire just off the road. Being a good samaritan, he pulls over and heads up the driveway to a woman running out of the house screaming "Please, help, help! My baby is trapped in there! Go and call 911, please!"

Tom turns around, then, before leaving, has a brainwave.

He turns back and walks towards the flames, saying "Don't worry, ma'am, I've got this."

He takes a deep breath in, and the fire disappears into nothingness. As you'd expect, the woman is in awe, and asks, "Oh my God, how did you do that?!"

Tom simply responds, "Well you see ma'am, I'm an extractor fan."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asurarkt
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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WAITER: are you ready to order?

DAD: I’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say β€œwaiter there’s a hare in my soup” after I bring it

...

DAD: I’ll have the chicken

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πŸ‘€︎ u/invertedparadoxxx
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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My dad and I were going to see Niagara falls but then he canceled

He made a Falls promise

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadNigga
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
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Need help with a dad joke

I'm writing vows for me wedding, and am going to have a line that's something like "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes", but then I want to follow it up immediately with a bad dad joke about that.

So far the best I have is "I promise to try not to tell too many dad jokes, no matter how punny I think they are".... But I reckon there's gotta be something better than that. Any suggestions?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcoutie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2019
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The most expensive diamond in 2017 sold for $71.2 million USD

to Hong Kong-based jewelry retailer Chu Tai Fook. Over the last few months as the protests in Hong Kong have become heated Mr. Chu has been on the side of the government which has caught the eye of the international gem dealers, causing him to become a bit of a pariah.

The diamond went up for sale his and the Chinese government wanted to ensure that world's most expensive gem got a fair price. Mr. Chu approached Southerby's who was hesitant to get involved in what could be deemed a political gem sale. Despite his protests none of the world's leading auction houses the answer was always the same, they would not do the auction. This is when president Xi Jiping got involved to ensure that some good news could come out of China.

Last week it was reported that Rick Harrison, from Pawn Stars, had approached Xi Jinping saying that he would hold the diamond but couldn't promise more than $500 USD from the sale of the pendant. This infuriated the Chinese president threatened to take down the reality TV star, but Harrison was adamant telling Mr. Pooh, "If Chu wished to pawn the star, makes no difference who you are"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Poortio
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2019
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My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.

I said "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

She looked relieved.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cosmonk_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2015
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"You're drunk," said the policeman.

I said, "I'm not, I promise."

"Can you read the number plate of your car then, please?"

"Not from here," I replied. "It's parked seven miles away on my driveway."

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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Early morning work groans are the best groans

A little too proud of this one...

So I’m on my usual Tuesday morning conference call with a bunch of vendors, coworkers, bosses, etc...

With his dog barking in the background one of my bosses chimes in and says β€œJust so you all know, I’m on the call but I’m outside right now having my roof looked at so I might be a little distracted”.

I couldn’t resist... With the instincts of a wild puma plotting against it’s poor defenseless prey, I pounce...

β€œIs your dog lookin at it?

Cuz he keeps saying ROOF!!! ROOF ROOF!!!”

I was immediately rewarded with a spectacular cacophony of groans and β€œthat was awful”’s... It was glorious. I’m pretty sure I’ll get another promotion for it.

EDIT: So... no promotion... but in a pure, hilarious coincidence, I actually DID just get the news that I'm finally getting that raise they promised me at my last review. Too fuckin funny.

πŸ‘︎ 436
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OreoGaborio
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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There was once a communist dictator...

There was once a communist dictator who was unable to fulfill his promises of peace, land, and bread. Angered, the citizens of his country demanded he apologize and tell them his plans for the future. All night, he thought about what he would say. When he finally got on the stage, the crowd was eager to hear him β€” but he didn’t speak. Why?

I don’t know. He was just Stalin.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thesmartguava
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2019
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President Trump has announced a ban on all shredded cheese in the United States.

In doing so he promises to Make America Grate Again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2018
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Mothers Cupboard

A 6 year old opened her mothers cupboard, and was shocked to find an Anti Aging Cream, promising to make one look 10 Years Younger.
Intrigued, the 6 year old put some on... all of a sudden, she just vanished. Never seen again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wecax49
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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a really bad joke

My name is Brie and I have and addiction to cheese. It’s pretty grate. I thought I would be okay. But now I know I can’t deal with it it on my provolone. My addiction isn’t cheesy I promise.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scrjejeheheebbe
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2019
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Something my dad once did

Okay... A bit of back story. My dad is someone who knows how to end fun...

But all in all, it is fine. We just normally talk t on him about serious topics.

So one night, my dad was in the shower. My sister and I were bickering about something and she did something that made me angry. So I screamed at my dad to "look at what she did" (I think she hit me or something) and all he merely did was peaked his head out of the bathroom and went back in.

I was expecting something like a scolding or something so I screamed again. Then he told me that I asked him to "look" and so he did already.

I promised myself to not talk to him again until I left my home. But if course with my bloody short attention span (I was around 7 or 8), I forgot about it the next morning. My sis n him had a laugh... 😠😠😠

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbg90g
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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I'm going to the Fibonacci convention this year

It promises to be as big as the last two put together!

πŸ‘︎ 674
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πŸ‘€︎ u/laaanis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2017
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What did the ocean do to the surfer?

It waved. Did you sea what I did There? I promise there’s nothing fishy..

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/00Penguin00
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2019
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[request] puns for a character called Beach Hitler

I run a DnD game and am very bad at puns. Like all good writers, though, I thought of a character name that made me laugh and have decided to build a personality around it.

Basically he's a surfer bro nazi. Militantly chill. He's a villain in the game but will hopefully read as still kinda tempting to party with. The only thing I've been able to come up with that has any promise whatsoever is "Third Reichteous."

Thank you, reddit angels

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stiljo24
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2018
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Told a dad joke while meeting my girlfriend's family

So it was my first time meeting my girlfriend's family and it was a holiday so I had assumed it would go like how it is in the movies, the guy being constantly criticized by the girl's family and told he's not good enough but I must have lucked out as they absolutely loved me, after we had the traditional thanksgiving meal at around 4, her family and I went to the porch to drink and joke around. On the way out to the porch, buzzed me thought it would be hilarious to take someone's ukelele with me and hide it on the porch, I promised myself that before the day is over, I'd use that ukelele as a joke piece and get everyone to love me even more. So the evening is going great, everyone's drunk, laughing, telling funny family stories when all of a sudden, I stand up, get everyone's attention and I grab the ukelele, picked it up and said

"I like to play a little guitar"

The hysterical, drunken laughs of everyone on the porch was the highlight of the best Thanksgiving I've ever had.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blacksplosiveness
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2015
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Sign on the back of a Septic Tank truck:

"Caution – This truck is full of Political Promises"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfowler11
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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Advice: best Christmas wishes a dad can give.

"Merry Christmas. I hope you get exactly what you deserve."

I promise, this never fails to raise eyebrows, but ultimately it's a nice Christmas wish :)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NGEddie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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Can someone check my pun about investing?

Hi, I'm the president of a high school club called future investors and I need a few puns to accompany an advertisement on facebook/instagram.

Here it is: "Invest your time into something meaningful.. like FUTURE INVESTORS! I promise that you won't be a-loan, as you'll form a lot of bonds (and hopefully have a high ROI) by joining! Don't be a laughing stock and come to our first meeting on 9/19"

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hpycow
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2016
🚨︎ report
Doctor, doctor, will my measles be better by next Monday?

I don’t wanna make any rash promises

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CptFunTIme
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…

The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.

After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area.

Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over.

The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself.

But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife.

So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him.

But, alas, Andy refused.

He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked if I am going to die someday.

I said, "Don't worry sweetheart. I promise I'll be alive for the rest of my life."

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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Give me you best dad joke

Promise you will give it back XD

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cakelyfe69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
🚨︎ report

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