One does not simply walk into Mordor
Me: I don't wanna alarm anyone, but I think someone in this room might be an owl.
Sisters kids: Who? WHO?
Me: gasp OH NO IT'S WORSE THAN I THOUGHT!
cue 2 hours of 4 small kids running around the house like nutcases screaming who at each other
Sister: You don't get to tell my kids dad jokes anymore. You're not even a dad Me: I'm a faux pas
Now, I can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B!
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
He pasta way. We cannoli do so much. Theres nutelling what can happen next... His legacy will become a pizza history. Here today, gone tomato. I can only espress-so much grief, but lettuce romaine calm. How sad that he ran out of thyme. Ashes to ashes, crust to crust. There's just not mushroom left for italian chefs in this world... Sending olive my prayers to his family. His wife is really upset, cheese still not over it... You never sausage a tragic thing. Its such a shame good people die fusilli reasons. It was a farfalle from grace... My condolences for Roberto, who died in the spaghetto. May he rest in yeastππ»β€οΈ
Wow! Im so glad so many people laughed at this joke, I got so much happy feedback from everyone lol thank u sm for all the rewards and upvotes, my week couldnt get better!π
My wife was complaining about how i'm not spontanious or creative, unless it involves terrible jokes, so i went out and got a tattoo (my first one). But since im not very creative i had them tattoo a pic of my thermos from work. I went home all excited and showed her my new tattoo! She was really confused about it. She looked at it for awhile and when she went to touch it i yelled at her not to touch the thermos tat. I think she's leaving me now :(
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
Well itβs not a law itβs a mandate
But I'm not buying it.
Because itβs not Stroganoff.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
Evidently not two though
Son; βGo on, then.β
Dad growls; βNOOOOO, NOT THE KRYPTONITE!β
Son; βThatβs Superman.β
Dad; βThanks, Iβve been practicing a lot.β
A not-see
And not
Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
Thanks for the silver β€οΈ
I said, "Sure, why not?"
Itβs a little meteor.
(Not a dad. But I told this to my dad and he approved)
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
Not sure if this is allowed here. But I thought Iβd give it a try.
Iβm buying a stand mixer for my SOβs birthday. I was looking to add a note to the gift thatβs punny. βI hope the treats you make with this are as sweet as youβ. That ones terrible. I think?
But I would definitely love some help. Thank you.
But I'm just not a bee leaver.
Edit: Thank you for the award, friend!!!!
The odds were not in my favor
The rest were not E
Fun fact, if you take a potato, cut it in half, stick electrodes in each half and bring them close together but not quite touching, then youβve made a capacitater!
Each time you light with a lighter, the lighter gets lighter untill the light so light that it will not light
Getting a harecut.
(Came up with this one myself and I'm not even a dad)
It's not much but it's getting me bi
βNot sure. Let me check the logs.β
Waiter: hi what can i get you? Dad: ill have the rabbit stew Waiter: only if you promise not to say"theres a hare in my soup" Dad: ill have the chicken then
Mostly because theyβre not dead yet.
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I'm not sure if it was him, though, as he had his back to the fuchsias
Their words, not mine
Whoβs There?
The Who.
The Who who?
I said The Who, not the owls!
(i made this up and had to keep myself from laughing for two hours at work I hope u like it)
She may not know anything about it yet, but mark my words--the thyme is cumin.
It's not much but it's stable work.
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
I will not be spoken to in that tone of voice!
First Window staffer, who takes the payment: "Hi, it's $7.30 (said like 'seven-thirty')
My Father: "No it's not, it's only 1 o' clock"
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
If not u should cause itβs hil-arious
I tell them : "Its not about the money; Its about sending a message"
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
They wear tide-die!
EDIT: I know itβs not exactly the dryest humor but I still thought it was fun.
Daughter: (Studiously ignores him).
Dad: To eat some cherries.
Daughter: (Not looking up from her phone). Maple trees don't have cherries, Dad.
Dad: He brought his own.
The odds were not in my favor
and not
