As my sister in law said, he'd grown another foot this year.
....I am turning my house into a Chinese restaurant.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
Just a little something to help her see in the New Year.
He called them missile toes.
Better eat it before it goes off.
Because they are in the noughties list.
Although what the daft boy wants with an ex box, I'll never know.
It's just a stocking filler
Egg-nogstic
Please let me know....I need to borrow some chairs.
My dad is 80.....i'm 53. My sister gave him some stockings (like knee socks) from the Vatican that the Pope supposedly wears. Don't ask why it's not important. Odd gift but anyway.....
Dad: "Hmmm.... well that present couldn't be any holier."
Me: "Well if the socks had holes in them they would be holier."
My Dad: "jesus christ" <while stifling a chuckle>
my 20ish adult Kids: <blank stare and power down look>
I was so proud.
She didn't think it was very Christmassy until I sang that "I'll be Holmes for Christmas..."
The following is my conversation through texts with him at 3:30 today.
Me: What's the address for the Xmas party.
Dad: Don't know I'll have to ask your mother
Me: What time is it?
Dad: 3:36 pm
Me: 3:36? Why not 3:37 or you know 3:35? Or even better... 3:30?
Dad: Cuz it's 3:39 right now
Me: ... What time is the party
Dad: oh you wanted to know what time the party is.
Me: ...
Dad: 3 pm.
Had me and my friends laughing so hard.
https://imgur.com/gallery/yjl3w
Mom: "Dave, can you help me put the tree skirt on?"
Dad: "Sure, but I don't think it will fit you"
My girlfriend and I were visiting her mother for the holidays. She's a sweet li'l ol' church lady, and my gf & I were expecting to have an evening to ourselves while she went to choir practice -- until she got a call from the musical director saying he was sick, and that practice would be cancelled.
"Well," I said, "I guess her presence is no longer re-choired."
For those of you who don't know most churches sing silent night by candle light. Everyone gets a candle. At the end of the service my wife spilled hot wax on her hands. After dealing with the immediate pain I said...
Sorry about your waxcident!
My cousin shows up for Christmas dinner:
"I brought some SERIOUS eggnog"
Dad: "Do I need my satellite radio to drink it?"
My son played a orchestra concert at the local University xmas program, they had a reception afterwards with cookies and coffee, ect.
In line for the goodies, the older guy ahead of me and my wife turned around looking at us through the plastic see through plate and said:
"Clearly, this is a plate"
Her: I want to make a wreath with the kids. Me: How are you going to hold them together?
I didn't even get a sigh.
Me: What's the opposite of "Missus?" (Referring to the label he wrote to my mom)
Dad: A hit.
great uncle: you know what they use pig skins for?
silence...
great uncle: oh c'mon, dyou know what they use pig skins for? (looking around the room at this point)
my dad: making footballs?
great uncle: no! holding pigs together! (Proceeds to laugh hysterically)
She got a cookbook but a vegetarian version of a book she already has.
My mom said literally: "Oh I didn't know it was also vegetarian??".
Classic dad answer: "Nah it isn't I saw it eating meat just around the corner."
He then proceeded to laugh at his joke for a good 5 minutes. But really rebursting out in laughter ever minute it was awful/awesome at the same time.
