The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,

I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xxUsernameMichael
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Hope im not wasting your thyme by posting this here.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhHellShelly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2018
🚨︎ report
idk why i'm wasting my life making up jokes

Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!

need upvotes pls

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhayes69123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Somebody came to me yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"

It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Wife: Why are you wasting your time reading jokes on Reddit?

Me: I want to be well e-quipped.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2018
🚨︎ report
People always say I'm wasting my time telling bee jokes...

But the truth is, bee comedians make a pheromone of money.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ May 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the chef that was fired for wasting too much meat?

More steaks were made.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlbinoYeti11
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Your undergraduate diploma was a complete waste of money, you should throw it in the fire.

That's a first degree burn.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
All that thyme and effort wasted
πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/natnat301
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Unpealievable..
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wiz93
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!

He just stands there applauding and saying β€œOoh, I love how smooth it is”

πŸ‘︎ 470
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlintTheDad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.

It’s spends all day doing tik toks.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bigpapastu
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...

I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are β€œOut of Order”

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Most people told me learning sign language was a waste of time

But I find it to be a pretty handy skill

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ham-cum-rewritten
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you know Bruce Banner disposes 95% of his waste in an environmentally friendly way?

Yes, he’s pretty green.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Inspector--Warp
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetalJunkie101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
🚨︎ report
well reading this wasn't such a waste of time
πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sssuuurrreeee
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2020
🚨︎ report
Wasted genius
πŸ‘︎ 195
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_barjo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks

The doctor told me i was wasting time

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lighty-Slave
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is it wasteful to eat a clock?

Because it's time consuming.....

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FatBlueJay
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the sentry for the waste water treatment plant?

He has guard doody!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...

How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zekesnack
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.

Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Whlightning
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
My humour is wasted on 9gag
πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ASweatyBard
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Those who waste whisky ...

Simply don't give a dram.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I was with my friend Philip and we had a lot of waste we needed to dispose of.

"Where's the nearest landfill?" I asked.

"There's land everywhere," he replied.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?

You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheBudderBomb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Just happened a few minutes ago. Whilst wrapping an easel for our daughter my better half said "how am I going to wrap this?" I replied "Easely". Not even a smile :( wasted talent here.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dannyp433
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, β€œIf you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”

I replied, β€œI'm on the toilet, please advise…”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
🚨︎ report
My son just handed me a coaster from a packet of Rolos

My quick reply of it being coaster celebrate was totally wasted on him, being only a toddler.

So remember, doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. When you're a dad, life is like a rolo coaster.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/d3adeyeduck
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?

A trophy.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TerroristOgre
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
🚨︎ report
I made a steak with herbs

But it was a waste of thyme

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.

She's such a Thyme waster

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CMDR_Gungoose
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My Brilliant Humor is Wasted on the Young

This happened today.

I'm at park/playground with my kid. He's playing, I'm throwing a ball for my dog.

Three little girls, maybe around 10 years old, run up. "Can we pet your dog?"

Me, "Sure, would you like to throw the ball for her?"

One of the girls takes the thrower and chucks the ball. It goes a long way.

Me: "Wow, great throw!"

Girl: "I've got my dad's arms."

Me (already laughing on the inside): "Really? What does he use?"

They stare at me.

Sigh.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/paul99501
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I believe y is up
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punyae3671
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I run out of toilet paper...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dirt_T
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Why fart and waste it...

..When you can burp and taste it. (My friend's dad said this)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dovydasmusic
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The Orions Belt is a Big Waste of Space

I'll Admit that was a bad joke Just 3 Stars

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XxxchipyxxX_alt
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Don’t wanna waste time
πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?

My dad: Not the Spanish!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Just cleaning out the fridge and found this dried up and shrivelled behind the egg tray. What a waste.
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JediWithBenefits
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
🚨︎ report
So I overclocked my phone...
πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Codyjames34526
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate reading puns about herbs. Seriously! They are such a waste of thyme...
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Below the waste...
πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrewsTravelers365
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....

I said β€œno mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”

πŸ‘︎ 452
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πŸ‘€︎ u/serion15
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.

πŸ‘︎ 172
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Somebody was wasting my time

So I clocked him.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nerdican
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
🚨︎ report

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