The other dads in my Zoom meeting today may have been a bit jealous. I mentioned how my adolescent daughter has been so generous and nice during quarantine while I use the family computer for work, instead of her wasting time all day, watching YouTube. I have to say,
I'm glad to have the no-vid kind teen.
Hope im not wasting your thyme by posting this here.
idk why i'm wasting my life making up jokes
Women really know how to hold a grudge. My wife asked me to pass her a lip balm. And by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue. It’s been a month now and she’s still not speaking to me!
need upvotes pls
Somebody came to me yesterday and said, "You're wasting your time and money on all these inventions!"
It was at this point that the Slap-A-Twat Automatic 3000 came into its own!
Wife: Why are you wasting your time reading jokes on Reddit?
Me: I want to be well e-quipped.
People always say I'm wasting my time telling bee jokes...
But the truth is, bee comedians make a pheromone of money.
Did you hear about the chef that was fired for wasting too much meat?
Your undergraduate diploma was a complete waste of money, you should throw it in the fire.
That's a first degree burn.
All that thyme and effort wasted
I bought a ceiling fan the other day.. COMPLETE WASTE OF MONEY!
He just stands there applauding and saying “Ooh, I love how smooth it is”
I bought a new clock. Total waste of money.
It’s spends all day doing tik toks.
I can’t believe I wasted all my time trying to help rearrange the vending machines at my local grocery store...
I’ve been moving them around all day but they still say they are “Out of Order”
Most people told me learning sign language was a waste of time
But I find it to be a pretty handy skill
Did you know Bruce Banner disposes 95% of his waste in an environmentally friendly way?
My mom played the clarinet in high school. She mentioned she wanted to play again, but doesn't have the money to waste on it. I ordered one for her birthday and left her a subtle clue.
well reading this wasn't such a waste of time
Just thought this : I went to the doctor cause I was pooping clocks
The doctor told me i was wasting time
Why is it wasteful to eat a clock?
Because it's time consuming.....
Did you hear about the sentry for the waste water treatment plant?
To reduce waste, our city has told food truck drivers they must donate all unsold items each night.
I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask...
How much food would a good truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?
Wasted 4 hours in the ER this morning getting a mole checked out.
Apparently they all look the same and I should have left it in the yard.
My humour is wasted on 9gag
Those who waste whisky ...
Simply don't give a dram.
I was with my friend Philip and we had a lot of waste we needed to dispose of.
"Where's the nearest landfill?" I asked.
"There's land everywhere," he replied.
What do you get when you eat 3.14 cakes?
You get fat. What, were you expecting a pi joke? Reddit doesn’t have pie days!
Just happened a few minutes ago. Whilst wrapping an easel for our daughter my better half said "how am I going to wrap this?" I replied "Easely". Not even a smile :( wasted talent here.
My wife sent me a heartwarming text that read, “If you're sleeping, send me your dreams. If you're laughing, send me your smile. If you're eating, send me a bite. If you're drinking, send me a sip. If you're crying, send me your tears. I love you!”
I replied, “I'm on the toilet, please advise…”
My son just handed me a coaster from a packet of Rolos
My quick reply of it being coaster celebrate was totally wasted on him, being only a toddler.
So remember, doesn't matter whether the glass is half empty or half full. When you're a dad, life is like a rolo coaster.
What kind of a prize do you give someone who hasn't moved a muscle in a year?
I made a steak with herbs
But it was a waste of thyme
My wife just threw away my favourite herb.
She's such a Thyme waster
My Brilliant Humor is Wasted on the Young
This happened today.
I'm at park/playground with my kid. He's playing, I'm throwing a ball for my dog.
Three little girls, maybe around 10 years old, run up. "Can we pet your dog?"
Me, "Sure, would you like to throw the ball for her?"
One of the girls takes the thrower and chucks the ball. It goes a long way.
Me: "Wow, great throw!"
Girl: "I've got my dad's arms."
Me (already laughing on the inside): "Really? What does he use?"
They stare at me.
Sigh.
I run out of toilet paper...
Why fart and waste it...
..When you can burp and taste it.
(My friend's dad said this)
The Orions Belt is a Big Waste of Space
I'll Admit that was a bad joke
Just 3 Stars
My dad: You know what they say... A Mayan is a terrible thing to waste. Me: Who says that?
Just cleaning out the fridge and found this dried up and shrivelled behind the egg tray. What a waste.
So I overclocked my phone...
I hate reading puns about herbs. Seriously! They are such a waste of thyme...
So I can legit ride a unicycle. My mom told me it was a waste of time and would never get me anywhere in life....
I said “no mom! Where there’s a wheel, there’s a way!”
My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.
Well, I think she should look at the bigger picture.
Somebody was wasting my time
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