I've asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for
So far nobody has given me a straight answer
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
I've just deleted all the German names off my pre owned iPhone..
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
I've spent all morning trying to think of a quality pun, just to come up with THIS otter rubbish.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jun 28 2021
The elderly wife in church turned to her husband and said, βIβve just done a silent fart. What should I do?β
He said, βChange the batteries in your hearing aidβ.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
Iβve got a condition which causes me to make terrible puns.
Itβs a dad-ly disease.
Happy Fatherβs Day to all the dads that get me though my day to day life, without you Dad Jokes wouldnβt mean a thing π
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
I've just discovered that Bruce Lee had a vegetarian brother...
π︎ 922
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
Today, I'm attaching a light fitting to the ceiling. I've never done it before.
I'll probably screw it up.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jun 22 2021
Iβve got a German friend whoβs a sound technician.
Iβve got a Czech one too. Czech one too.
π︎ 283
π
︎ Jul 14 2021
Theyβve always had a mask policyβ¦
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jul 09 2021
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 7k
π
︎ May 13 2021
They've discovered a breed of oxen that is genetically identical from one generation to the next, each one an almost exact copy of the one that came before except for some slight degradation.
π︎ 93
π
︎ Jul 10 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 16k
π
︎ Apr 14 2021
Delighted to say I've finally got a new job installing mirrors!
Nothing fancy, but was something I could always see myself doing.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Apr 24 2021
After thirteen years, I've finally finished my first novel.
It was Lord of The Rings. Great read.
π︎ 65
π
︎ Jul 12 2021
This is the coolest pun Iβve heard.
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 22 2021
The most beautiful series puns I've seen in a while β€οΈ still lol'ing
π︎ 108
π
︎ Jul 13 2021
Iβve recently started a dating app for chickens. Itβs not my normal day job, ...
itβs just to make hens meet.
π︎ 353
π
︎ Jun 07 2021
You've probably heard about baby bears being called bear cubs, but do you know what they call bear embryos?
π︎ 126
π
︎ Jul 02 2021
Iβve tried making friends.
I just canβt get the DNA sequencing right.
π︎ 78
π
︎ Jul 13 2021
I've been watching the Olympic swimming qualifiers.
Looks like it'll be a very talented pool this year.
π︎ 21
π
︎ Jul 03 2021
I've been giving away dead batteries.
π︎ 84
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
I've retired from telling dad jokes.
Now I only tell Grand Dad jokes.
π︎ 107
π
︎ Jul 06 2021
My wife was out running errands today so this is what Iβve been doing all afternoon
π︎ 14
π
︎ Jun 17 2021
I've got a steering wheel sticking out of my pants.
π︎ 57
π
︎ Jul 04 2021
I've got a joke about sausages for you...
π︎ 64
π
︎ Jun 29 2021
I've created a new sandwich.
Make French toast with an English muffin. Add Canadian bacon, Turkey, and Swiss cheese, then top with Italian and Russian dressing.
I call it the International Incident.
Follow with Turkish Delight or a Danish for dessert!
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 12 2021
Iβve been trying to get a hover car business started
but I canβt get it off the ground.
π︎ 33
π
︎ Jul 05 2021
I gave my daughter a watch for her birthday. She thought it was so cool and when she showed it to the next door neighbor, he asked, "That's a pretty watch you've got there! Does it tell you the time?"
She laughed and said, "No, this is an old-fashioned watch! You have to look at it!"
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Mar 19 2021
I've just fallen off a 50ft ladder
Luckily I was only on the first step
π︎ 165
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
If youβve never heard of jai alai, you should watch some jai-alaits to see what itβs all about
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 11 2021
For years, Iβve told people that chiropractors can not help with posture. But just yesterday, a friend convinced me to give it a try, and already I see improvementβ¦
π︎ 72
π
︎ Jun 24 2021
Theyβve just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnuts
They believe itβs the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher
π︎ 208
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
My dad made this joke and said he made it up himself, so tell me if youβve heard it before
βdo you wanna hear how cantaloupes got their name?β
βsureβ
βA man and a woman were on an island before their wedding, and discovered this new fruit. They tried it and decided they liked it too much, so they would stay on the island. The man said βwell now we canβt elope!β
It got a little chuckle out of me but he thought it was a bad one
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 13 2021
An elderly couple is in a church. The wife says to the husband βIβve let out one of those silent farts, what do I do?β
The husband says βChange the battery in your hearing aid.β
π︎ 184
π
︎ Jun 04 2021
My wife muted me on Twitter because she couldn't handle all the bird puns after I've had a beer or two
One can and I start tweeting, toucan and I have no egrets.
π︎ 31
π
︎ Jul 03 2021
I've got a joke about being a mailman
But I need to work on the delivery
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 11 2021
Iβve lost control
π︎ 55
π
︎ May 26 2021
Iβve started doing lunges to stay in shape
Thatβs a big step forward
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 12 2021
Iβve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, Iβll be able to say I left a mark on this world.
π︎ 878
π
︎ Apr 21 2021
shouldβve gone to specsavers
π︎ 253
π
︎ May 17 2021
I've just driven past a field full of flying pigs, I asked the farmer what was going on and he said...
π︎ 22
π
︎ Jul 14 2021
I've started a new business where I am building Bible characters from Lego. First up, Isaiah. I hope to make a major prophet.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 01 2021
I've decided I don't want to be fat, so I now identify as skinny.
Guess that means I'm trans-slender
π︎ 37
π
︎ Jun 20 2021
"Hello, my name is David and I've lost my ID".
Guy at the lost and found department: "Alright, Dav. "
π︎ 12
π
︎ Jun 26 2021
I've always liked every audio engineer I've ever met
π︎ 46
π
︎ Jun 10 2021
Iβve been thinking about getting rid of my vacuum cleaner.
Itβs just gathering dust.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
Holmes, I've solved it! She wasn't murdered but died when the bread crust she was eating blocked her airway instead of going down the...what's it called? Canal thingy....
Alimentary, my dear Watson.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 14 2021
I said "Something is wrong with these kids, we've got to get them to the hospital..."
"What is it?" said my wife.
"Well, it's a big building with a bunch of patients. But that's not important right now."
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jun 16 2021
I've invented a car that runs on herbs.
It's called thyme-travel.
π︎ 30
π
︎ Jun 19 2021
I've got a condition which causes me to make terrible puns.
π︎ 213
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
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