why are most psychics unhappy

because happy mediums are actually really rare

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crypt-lord
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Why was the greedy baker unhappy and tired?

He always kneaded more

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πŸ‘€︎ u/maccer20
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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I'm unhappy because my neighbor's sheep aren't clipped properly.

I can't stand that kind of shear incompetence.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterAsia6
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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What should you do if you're unhappy with your Alexa?

Get Alexapro.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AntidoteYYMBR
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2018
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So some pigeons were pretty unhappy with their government...

...they decided to stage a coo

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πŸ‘€︎ u/imadeaname
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2015
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When you are unhappy with life, look at the bright side.

Maybe your superpower is to expect too much.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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Why was the maths book so unhappy?

Because it had too many problems!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wicker_man123
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2016
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Why was the professional driver unhappy with his long-term career?

In the end, he didn't have anything to chauffeur it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/otacon239
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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Bad haircut

What do you call someone who's unhappy with their haircut?

Dis-tressed.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Thanksgiving is coming up. My wife's family makes mashed potatoes with the skins still on.

It's very unapeeling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/first_must_burn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
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A man walks into a bar...

...he orders a drink. The bartender makes the drink, and gives it to him. The man is upset. "This drink is too warm!" He exclaims.

The bartender takes his drink back, adds an ice cube, and hands it to the Man. The man is unhappy with this. "this drink is still too warm!"

The bartender takes the drink back, and adds more ice cubes. Once again, he hands it to the Man. The man is irate. "This drink is STILL too warm!!!"

The bartender is now annoyed. He takes the man's drink, dumps it out, and serves him a glass of ice. The man is left speechless.

Finally, just ice was served

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πŸ‘€︎ u/p1nkbr0
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
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Teacher Told Us a Dad joke in Class Today

Tired of being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife and arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure, who went by the name of "Artie." Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $5,000. The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

Artie insisted on being paid in part up front. The man opened up his wallet and displayed the single dollar bill that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Wall-mart grocery store. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the scene. Unwilling to leave any witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

Unknown to Artie, the entire proceeding were captured by hidden cameras and observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could leave the store.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the sordid plan, including his financial arrangements with the hapless husband.

And that is why, the next day in the newspaper, the headline declared: "Artie chokes two for a dollar at Wall-mart."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisisCarl
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2013
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My dad is the epitome of this subreddit, so I want to share one of his ultimate go-to stories:

When I was a young boy, I was playing in my front yard with my brother. A man in a van pulled up and asked us to help him find his puppy. My brother, being older and wiser, ran inside. I, however, fell for the prank and hopped in the van, eager to find the dog. The man became hostile and I quickly realized he was kidnapping me. I had to think fast. I was panicking.

"I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" I shouted loudly.

The man was unhappy, but took us to a gas station so that I could go. He grabbed my arm and looked me in the eyes and sternly said "If you're up to anything, I'll kill you! Don't say anything to anybody. You better come right back!"

I went into the bathroom and looked around. A window! I quickly scrambled on top of the toilet and popped the window open. I hauled myself up to the opening and began to pull myself out and to freedom when a hand grabbed my foot! It was the man! He began pulling my leg...

Just like I'm pulling yours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sparty_party
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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My father just posted this on Facebook.

MURDER AT COSTCO STORE

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar that rested inside. Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.

The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared...

(You're going to hate me for this.........)

'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 Costco

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffyxsama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2014
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