Pi * Z * Z * A
Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.
“It’s long story,” replies the father.
Patients effected by this claim it's super callused fragile lips that smell like halitosis
I just don't put a lot of stock in soup.
He's such a smoothie talker.
I guess the steaks are high.
Rick O'Shae
Me: i’d say it’ll be gigan-thick!
Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"
I thought, "That's bold."
I fought the lawn, and the lawn won.
Boss: What?
Man: Yes, I’m calling in Sikh.
Cause it didn’t have a thick enough coat
And my arms for being by my side for all these years.
"Not on the thin eyes." The surgeon said.
A square dance
It’s pretty high koala tea
She must have called in thick
The workers in a thick Japanese accent said DAT SOON
They hate apart thighs.
They're thick and tired of it.
The insect police force was tracking one of these malaria-mosquitos, when the mosquito fled to a farm. First, she tried to hide in the house, until the farmer chased her away with a newspaper. She tried to hide in the barn with the horses, but the barn cat took a few swipes at the mosquito, and chased it from the barn.
Finally, the mosquito set eyes on sheep in the pasture.she decided all that thick wool would be the perfect place to hide from the insect police force.
The police force arrived shortly after. They first went to the house. No mosquito. They searched the horses. No mosquito. Finally, they got to the pasture with the sheep. After searching and searching, they could not find where the mosquito had hidden.
The mosquito was on the lamb.
In thick Irish accent
Because if there were one more it’d be too farty
Yesterday was Opening Day (baseball) at Target Field (Minnesota). The first 10,000 or so fans received a free blue zip-up hoodie with "Twins" emblazoned on the front. It's a damn fine hoodie.
It's also packed on the stadium concourse. 40,123 attendees that day. As my husband and I are making our way through a dense crowd along the right field concourse, an older gentleman stops me in my tracks with this big grin and says, "Wow, that's a great sweatshirt! Where'd you get it?"
He was holding one in his hand.
His other hand was holding that of his wife, who was rolling her eyes pretty hard. I imagine that was neither the first nor last time he'd made that joke yesterday.
Thick-Cut and Bad for My Heart.
Narrow Marrow
Dad: Did you know the aluminum in soda cans is thinner than a hair? Or wait, maybe it's thinner than paper.
Me: Which one is thinner?
Dad: Paper must be thinner. You get paper cuts all the time, but how often do you get hair cuts?
A guy across the street yells to him "Hey mate, are you a pole vaulter?"
So the first guy shouts back "No, actually I am originally from Austria but how did you know my name is Walter?"
(You've got to lay the accent on quite thickly for the last part)
We were making pancake mix and it was a little thick, so I was pouring milk and stirring to get a better consistency. Once I got a good mix she said
"That's better"
I look up and say
"No, that's batter"
She hit me.
In the not too distant future, web censorship is pervasive; speech and freedom are strangers to one another; while pirates sail the seas with impunity, digital pirates are incarcerated by the busload.
Anyone who speaks out against this ban on open-dialogue or the free-sharing-of-ideas is ground down and hidden away, and the resistance is loosing its will.
A small group of contributors to reddit, huddled together in a bunker beneath barely-waving flags of Snoo, worked tirelessly to repost new ideas from around the internet, to release ideas from their chains, and make speech free ... again!
But it was not to be - a gang of the governments anti-piracy enforcers descended on this, the last bastion of humankind's will to share-freely. Arriving in an armored bus, ten shock-troopers breached the bunker and it looked like the day was lost.
Fortunately for us all, one brave redditor led the collective out a back entrance and they circled to the driveway. This leader told the other redditors to wait in the bushes while he overpowered the one soldier left guarding the transport. There was a flash of movement, a crack from a fallen branch as it struck the guard, and then, stolen keys in hand, the hero revved the engine and told the redditors to pile in.
He had to will himself ignore the gas gauge as he floored the accelerator on the 25,000 pound ticket to freedom - there was only survival or defeat, and nothing in between. Sirens came alive behind him as he rushed for the border to the promised land, to the Free-North.
As the engine begins to cough, the titanic weight of the transport cleaves the barricades asunder and the pursuing vehichles have to hard-brake to avoid skidding beyond their corrupt jurisdiction. Both exhausted and elated, the redditors follow their hero to the freedom promised by their new surroundings ... but their peril is not yet passed.
Though most of the pirate-hunters glower from the south-side of the border, one special agent has crossed over and is speaking with the border guards. The tension is thick. A long-faced guard turns to the newcomers, clearly troubled by what he must do.
"Folks," he says, a pained look on his kindly face, "I'm sorry, to do this, don't cha' know, but I got no choice, eh!"
Confused, the redditors look to one another, and tremble as they notice the agent's smug expression, greedy eyes fixed on the leader of the exodus.
"Look here, now, you are all welcome here, of course, and since speech is free here, we are
... keep reading on reddit ➡sometimes accidental puns do not work in my favor
That thing will see you through thick and thin.
Was making some mac n cheese with my dad and while grating the cheese my dad belts out in a thick Scottish accent, "This is going to be great!" Never rolled my eyes so hard and he had the biggest dumb smile on his face. The mac and cheese did turn out pretty good though.
A husband and wife are enjoying dinner with a bottle wine when the wife stops and says "you've always been there for me, through thick and thin, I don't know how I made it so far but I couldn't have done it without you". The husband turns to her and says "Wow hunny, that's so sweet, is that you or the wine talking though?". The wife turns to the husband and says, "what the hell are you talking about? I'm talking to the wine".
The Duke of Dance: If i don't stop soon, you're really gonna have a bone to pick with me.
The Duke of Dance: I need to stop being such a numbskull.
The Duke of Dance: help.
Sans: I gotta write these down.
The Duke of Dance: I don't have enough backbone to deal with my own shit
The Duke of Dance: but that's tibea expected.
Sans: I find this humerus.
The Duke of Dance: damn
The Duke of Dance: stole my next one.
The Duke of Dance: I'm not fibulaing you when i say, i'm running out of material. I'm really trying to think of more puns here, but i'm patellaing you, i'm out.
Sans: I don't even know this many bone names.
The Duke of Dance: My cranium is empty. i'm running bone-dry here.
The Duke of Dance: But you'r quite sternum in your wanting of these puns.
The Duke of Dance: don't worry, i'll stop temporalily. Not really tho.
The Duke of Dance: I'm taking these puns to the maxilla.
Sans: Can you make a pelvis pun?
The Duke of Dance: Not really. I can't think of any. So no hip hip hooray here.
Sans: That was alright.
The Duke of Dance: Are you having a femury time?
The Duke of Dance: I find myself sacruming to the need to make puns.
The Duke of Dance: helpican'tstop
Sans: I'm having a pun time.
The Duke of Dance: I'm gonna turbinate my puns, cuz i'm on my last leg-bones here.
The Duke of Dance: i'm getting desperate, you can tell.
The Duke of Dance: I didn't name a specific bone.
The Duke of Dance: Which is almost completely mandableitory.
The Duke of Dance: I have made more puns tonight than i have in a LONG time.
The Duke of Dance: Throw me a bone here, have i made enough skeleton puns?
Sans: There will never be enough skeleton puns. Mind makin' a list for me?
The Duke of Dance: Do
The Duke of Dance: Do you want me to write everything i just said down for you?
The Duke of Dance: I'm quivering at the thought of coming up with more skeleton puns.
Sans: I don't see any arrows.
Sans: Don't be a lazy bones, come up with more.
The Duke of Dance: I'll see you later, my vertebrah.
Sans: Have you any backbone?
The Duke of Dance: I already made that one.
The Duke of Dance: :3
Sans: SCREW IT, I'M MAKING ANOTHER
The Duke of Dance: Not so easy coming up with fresh material, is it?
The Duke of Dance: Also, "quiver" is another name for one of your joints.
The Duke of Dance: I'm just really looking at medical sites for this shit.
Sans: CURSE YOU GOOGLE.
The Duke of Dance: it's tibea expected. <Favorite skeleton pun, using it again
... keep reading on reddit ➡Mr Khan (thick accent): My name is Mr.Khan
Posh British Lady: And how would one spell that?
Mr Khan: The same way that two would!
(Just heard this gem on an episode of Citizen Khan)
John Deavensmit was not having a good time. After an incident involving a coffee spill, he'd been sued for $50 million, and somehow the jury had ruled against him. There was no way he could pay that much money; he'd go bankrupt.
Naturally, he filed for an appeal, but the winner of the case was already beginning to hound him for money, hoping to get at least something before the judgement was overturned. John was nearly at his wit's end before he found an unusual package in his mailbox.
It was from a couple of his friends, who all went on to law school when John left to create a startup. They'd all been very successful, and had gone on to be justices at various levels, from courts in a small county in Wisconsin all the way to the Supreme Court. When he opened it up, he was surprised to see an ink drawing of a thick wooden stick. It was signed by his friends, and accompanied by a note:
> Hey John, > > We're sorry to hear about your loss in court last month. We met up at a judge conference in the Davison Center, and we thought that we'd do something special for you. We met up in the Grapefruit Room and all worked together to draw this. We hope you enjoy it! > > Your friends
Now, John had been to D.C. a few times, and knew about the Davison Centre. It was renowned for its very offbeat architecture. The Grapefruit Room was one of the weirdest: it had been constructed by taking a world-record grapefruit, carving out the flesh, and preserving the rind. The result was a walk-in fruit, and it always smelled of citrus.
It took John a while to work out the significance of the gift, but when he realized it, he was overjoyed. His good friends had seen fit to grant him a stave judge-men penned in a peel.
I need a pun (or 4) about a tire shop burning down. There's got to be one there but I'm too thick to see it right now.
Waitress: Do you want white or dark gravy?
me:(already knowing whats about to happen)Dark
dad:He likes his gravy like he likes his women,thick and dark. HAHAHAHA
occasionally we happen to have a dark thick waitress, but fuck it.
So my dad and I are trying a pomelo for the first time. He's cutting the peel off and it's quite thick. I ask:
"What's that kind of, fluffy white stuff on the inside of the peel called."
"It's called the pith." He responds
"Oh ok."
"Oh pith off!"
We stare at each other and just burst out laughing.
Good times.
A man in Switzerland is trying to get his grandfather clock fixed, and brings it into a clock shop.
The clock shop attendant asks the man "What seems to be the trouble?"
"Well, the clock tells time just fine. However, as you can hear, it ticks... But doesn't tock."
"Hmm, I think our Horologist will need to take a look at your clock. Please bring it into the back."
So the man wheels his clock into the back room, and there is an old, balding man, wearing a lab coat and thick horn rimmed glasses. He asks the man in a thick German accent "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well, you see, this clock ticks, but it doesn't tock."
"I see," says the horologist. He turns on a single light bulb, and turns off the lights to the room, and pulls out some pliers from his labcoat, and says, in his thick German accent...
"We have ways of making you tock."
My Father is currently on vacation with my Mother in Vietnam and everyday he sends photo trip reports.
Today he emailed me and sent the following.
Countryside on way to My Son Sanctuary.
My Son is thick in the middle of the jungle.
To which I replied back.
"No I'm not, I'm at work."
Our family is seated at the table, eating breakfast. My brother, having returned from military college, takes a long look at his hard-boiled eggs. "These shells are way too thick." He complained. My father turns to my brother, understanding his predicament, and nods thoughtfully. "I'll have a word with the chickens." He vowed solemnly.
I got some fish and chips and a deep fried mars bar with my girlfriend and afterwards she was critiquing the deep fried mars bar.
Girlfriend: It was pretty good, but the batter was too thick. There was too much before you got to the melted mars bar
Me: So...you're saying that it could have been batter?
I didn't look at her, but I could tell she was glaring at me
Cousin flew in from LA to Michigan and we haven't seen him in 3 years. We are all Korean and my dad has a very thick Korean accent.
Dad: Does your eye hurt?
Cousin: No why?
Dad: Long time no see.
Cousin: ugh....
On vacation in Myrtle Beach from Michigan as we speak... as I speak... as I type, whatever. In our texting conversation my dad dropped this one on me.
Me: The fog was so thick this morning, I couldn't see the ocean.
Dad: Neither could I.
Holds up the shavings to us and in his thick New York accent says "disapealing to you?"
Commercial comes on regarding lighter yogurt, not as thick as Greek yogurt.
Sister: I actually like thicker yogurt so it's not as runny.
Dad: Yeah I don't like runny yogurt either. I can never catch up to it.
I went to the convenience store on my college campus because I needed to get some nail clippers. A girl I knew walked in and this exchange was had after we had started talking:
Me: The only good clippers they had were in this pack with this other body care stuff, do you want any of it?
Girl: Sure, but those are toenail clippers. There are some fingernail clippers over there (very small ones).
Me: I have very thick nails, so those won't cut it.
The look she gave me told me how close she was to groaning.
Edit: Spelling
I was at dinner with my family at an Italian restaurant and the waitress said, "Here is some extra virgin olive oil for your bread." And then my dad said, "can I get something with a little more experience?" My dad's thick accent did not help, the poor girl couldn't tell it was a joke
We're hanging a circuit breaker panel, me and the old Daddio.
Dad: Cut me a scrap of that flooring for a spacer. Three and a half inches thick so I can nail it to this stud.
Me: Sure. How long do you need it?
Dad: Oh... we're probably gonna need it for as long as the house is here.
"Finnish people!" (Thick Romanian accent)
The fog was so thick, fish were swimming in it.
Girlfriend: I just finished reading a really thick chapter of copyright law. Let me take a break It was really heavy.
Me: Do you need a lighter?
and we went to the corner store to get bait. The owner has a thick Asian accent, so when my dad asks for worms and the man asks "Worms, for fishing?", fishing sounds like pissing. He goes into the back room to get them, and he's back there for a while. My dad says "It's okay, LumbaJackCassidy, he probably had to take a fish!"
Dad : It's a long story
From r/Technicallythetruth
I told him It's a long story
Dad: it’s a long story.
Well, it's a long story...
She’s thick and tired of it.
What an Italian calls very thick fog
Because they're thick and tired of it
A thick Italian fog.
