What is it called when two mummies fart at the same time?

Toot-in-common.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mitchinatr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?

Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps

πŸ‘︎ 52
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WalrusNerd
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the mummy cow say to the baby cow?

It’s pasture bedtime.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thisDiff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?

They had a toot in common.

Kid loved it.

Edited to not claim true originality since it was apparently made before.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fullpatch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to dinner with a cannibal family I know. The conversation was flowing. Their daughter suddenly piped up β€œMummy I don’t like Nanny”. The mother replied...

β€œWell leave her on the side and just eat your vegetables”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the mummy finish his Halloween candy?

Because he was stuffed!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BrakemanBob
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to mummy corn?

Where’s my pop corn ?

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DannyGere
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of music do mummies like the most?

Wrap music.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Ancient Egyptian mummy they found buried with chocolate?

They identified him as Pharaoh Rocher.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aidanadriana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the baby corn say to the mummy corn?

Where’s pop corn?

Darkest Christmas cracker joke I’ve seen.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why don’t you see any mummies on the street?

They’re trying to keep it under wraps!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trustworthy-lemon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the mummy get a divorce?

His wife was a ghoul-digger who was just after his mummy

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Soccerdadjoke
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
🚨︎ report
Archeologists in Egypt have uncovered the tomb of a mummy that appears to be covered in chocolate and hazelnuts

It's beleived to be the long lost Pharoah Rocher.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/philbertagain
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2017
🚨︎ report
Ever hear about the mummy who caught a cold?

He couldn't stop coffin.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Wukeywukey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2013
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the guy accept the mummy's business proposition?

He thought it could be a pyramid scheme!

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rageengineer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2013
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the mummies mind each others foul smell?

Because they had a toot-in-common.

*Made this up when mg daughter was studying Egypt for months during 6th grade.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Often_Giraffe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2015
🚨︎ report
What did Superman say to the mummy?

Meet me by the kryptonite.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2SP00KY4ME
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
🚨︎ report
How-do-we-make-babies joke

Okay, so this is my first post, so be gentle there. It s more a funny thing my dad did to mess with us than a dad joke. Our parents explained it to us , so i don t have the dialogues here. When we were little, my brother and I of course asked my parents how do we make babies, because we wanted a little bro or sis and they did not wanted us to get one. So we asked them how babies are made. They explained to us that you need 3 things ; a mother's belly , dad's seeds and a little bit of love. That was cute, they said that daddy had to put his seeds in mummy 's belly with the love. When we asked how, they told us to guess -this is why we thought babies were made by the bellybutton, they did really had fun with us- and then, finally, we asked them why they would not make us a little brother then. My father, had this brilliant idea to mess with us, which we sometimes did not notice, as we were little. He basically told us with a huge smile accros his face :" You know what ? If you find the good seeds, we'll make you one". My mother laughed but we took it seriously. We have apparently searched for hours even going in the basement, searching in mom's gardening seeds, ripping of the labels and bringing them to the parents to ask if these were the good ones . We eventually got fed up, and never asked my parents to have a sibling again.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/calam_n_fish
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the child go to the pyramids?

He was visiting his mummy! (I officially declare myself the first dad on this subreddit to make a mom joke. I have failed as a father.)

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Egyptian Family

A group of archeologist went inside an ancient Egyptian tomb and they found a family of mummies.

One of the archeologist pointed to the female one and said, "Oh look! A mummy!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fujoshi_Baka
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
🚨︎ report
A family of balloons

Here's a joke my dad told me. Sorry if you've heard it, but I found it hilarious, and I think you might enjoy it.

In a small town in the suburbs, there was a small family of balloons. There was a mummy balloon, a daddy balloon, and a small child balloon. Every night the boy would sleep between his parents, but his father had had enough.

"son, I know you love sleeping between us, but you're getting a bit too old for it., " the father said. "You're nearly 8, you're a big boy, and your mother and I think you should sleep in your own bed from now on. You can stay tonight but starting tomorrow we want you in your own bed. Do you understand?"

"Yeah dad, I understand..." the boy said with a maudlin tinge to his voice.

"okay son, I love you."

"love you too dad"

The next night the boy tried sleeping in his own bed, but there was a storm outside. It was a dark, ominous storm - the kind of storm that sounds like a cataclysm for the end of the world.

The boy was scared, so he went to sleep in his parents room. However when he tried to squeeze between them, he found he didn't fit. He felt defeated. He felt scared. He felt alone.

But then an idea struck him. He decided he'd just let a little bit of air out of his father. He tried to squeeze in again, but had no such luck. So he let a little bit of air out of his mother. He tried again. Still no luck. Finally, he decided to let some air out of himself. Success! He squeezed in tightly and drifted off to sleep.

The next morning his parents were furious. His father was feeling particularly angry, and screamed at his son.

"son, I told you not to sleep in our room. I told you to sleep in your own bed! Didn't I say that Hun?"

"yes dear," the mother said, feeling slightly deflated.

"so son, what do you have to say for yourself?" the father asked in anger.

"it was dark and stormy and..." the boy tried to spit out.

"I don't care son!" the father interrupted. "you can't keep doing this! I'm very disappointed. You've let me down, you've let me down, but worst of all..."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/aesyr_raps
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns for Kids

The funniest and shortest puns for kids, you always remember while teaching children puns, try to choose the short ones because they are easy for them to remember and register.

Puns for Kids

Why are teddy bears never hungry? They are always stuffed!


What do you get when you cross a snake and a pie? A pie-thon!


Where do polar bears vote? The North Poll.


What did the judge say when the skunk walked into the court room? Odor in the court!


Two silkworms had a race. They ended up in a tie.


Why are fish so smart? Because they live in schools.


The streets in the capital of Afghanistan are paved with Kabulstones.


How does a lion greet the other animals in the field? Pleased to eat you.


What do you get when a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn? An egg roll!


No matter how much you push the envelope, it will still be stationery.


Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove he wasn’t chicken!


What musical is about a train conductor? β€œMy Fare, Lady”.


A man drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.


What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.


What animals are on legal documents? Seals!


Why did the lion spit out the clown? Because he tasted funny!


Why did the bumble bee leave the house? It heard the school was having a spelling bee.


Being struck by lightning is really a shocking experience!


How do celebrities stay cool? They have many fans!


Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze!


Dockyard: A physician’s garden.


What did the angry mother say to the boiling pot of spaghetti? Simmer down!


The lights were too bright at the Chinese restaurant so the manager decided to dim sum.


β€œWhat’s purple and 5000 miles long?” β€œOoh! I know! The Grape Wall of China!”


Every calendar’s days are numbered.


This duck walks into a bar and orders a beer. β€œFour bucks,” says the bartender. β€œPut it on my bill.”


I used to be twins. My mother has a picture of me when I was two.


What sound do porcupines make when they kiss? Ouch!


When does a well-dressed lion look like a weed? When he’s a dandelion (dandy lion).


Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a-salted.


A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it is

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad in training

Characters: My wife, my son (four years old), and my daughter (his twin, so obviously also four).


Son: "My classmate didn't like me laughing at her today."

Wife: "Why were you laughing at her?"

Son: "I'm a vampire! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Wife: "OH! Like an evil laugh?"

Son: "Yeah! Bwa ha ha ha ha!"

Daughter: "I'm a witch! Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "So you're both monsters?"

Son: "Yep!"

Daughter: "Hee hee hee hee!"

Wife: "Am I a monster too?"

Son: "Yeah! You're a ... " <dramatic pause> " ... mummy."

Whole family in hysterical laughter, and after it dies down he goes, "Get it!? Mummy!"


I've never been so proud. A spontaneously generated pun of that caliber at four years old, AND an unnecessary clarification/repetition of the joke? I've got high hopes for this one.

πŸ‘︎ 187
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Maclimes
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Halloween Puns

Why couldn’t the witch have children? Her husband had a hallow weenie.


Which ghost is the best dancer? The Boogie Man!


Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween? Me: Drunk!


For Halloween I’m going to write β€œLife” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers


This Halloween, the only Candy I’m interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues


β€œHalloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.


Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!


I’ll be your trick if you’ll be my treat.


How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween? Pump kin!


When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims? On Fry Day


What’s a monsters favorite desert? I-Scream!


What do you call a Halloween boner? Petrified wood


What do you call a dancing ghost? Polka-haunt-us


What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A β€œhollow-weenie!”


Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house? The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).


How do you write a book about halloween? With a ghostwriter.



I’m going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do… by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake. Sincerely,


Two monsters went to a Halloween party. Suddenly one said to the other, β€œA lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?” The other monster replied, β€œBe a gentleman and roll them back to her.


The lesson of Halloween is that pretending to be something you’re not will lead to a sweet reward.


I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.


I want to be something really scary for Halloween this year so I’m dressing up as a phone battery at 2%.


Why dident the skeleten go to the halloween party? Becuse he had no body to go with.


What did the bird say on Halloween? Trick or tweet!


What do Italian’s eat on Halloween? Fettucinni Afraid-o (Ha ha ha)


Why can’t the boy ghost have babies? A. Because he has a Hallo-weenie.


What do goblins and ghosts drink when they’re hot and thirsty on Halloween? A. Ghoul-aid!!!


What do ghosts eat for supper? Spooketi


What do you do when 50 zombies surround your house? Hope it’s Halloween!!


What is the most important subject a witch learns in school? Spelling.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2017
🚨︎ report
Two Pharaohs are looking for a Sarcophagus...

they walk up to the sarcophagus salesman and the first Pharaoh says "We are looking for the cheapest sarcophagus you have for sale." The salesman asks "you're not looking for a fancy one?" The second Pharaoh says "no, we are just trying to get our mummy's worth."

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/smsirekcut
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Dad just texted me this joke.

Archaeologists digging at the pyramids in Egypt have found a mummy covered in chocolate and almonds. They believe it to be the pharaoh rocher.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Greyclocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2015
🚨︎ report
My son just bumped his head [help]

OK, this just happened: bumped head, bag of frozen veggies, < enter dad stage left (the doorway, stage right is a window, and it's shut).>

Me: what happened little man? Him: <he explains> Me: So... mummy peed on your head? <Wife smirks condescendingly> Him: what?

Now, this is what I need help with, it's not the first time this has happened either, the wife goes on for a minute or so explaining how "wee" is sometimes called "pee" and how I'm deliberately misunderstanding him for comic effect.

If this wasn't bad enough he then howls with laughter for about five minutes getting me to repeat what I said again and again, all the while jumping around in the bed and generally totally cured by my comedic genius.

This isn't the way it's meant to be, is it? Can I enrol in a local parenting class, or should I send my wife to couples therapy?

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2016
🚨︎ report
My son, dad in waiting

My son is almost 3, he has started wrapping himself in the towel after bathtime, crawling into a ball and declaring he is an egg.

"Mummy sit on me to make me hatch" etc. He says in there for really long and then bursts out chirping, however yesterday he burst out and said :

"I'm an EXPENSIVE baby chick"

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/created4this
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad had to have his arm bandaged for an infection.

"You should go all the way and dress up as a mummy."

"I can't be a mummy, I'm a daddy."

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlamaRama
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.