Standby Puns

It doesn't matter whether you're African, American, or Asian

In the bathroom, European

Wife: "Your little punk son is resisting arrest!" Me: crickets

About five minutes later

Me: "OH! Resisting a-REST! Hahahaha! I get it. Wife: "I was wondering how long that would take."

Driving with the wife and kid around this time of year.

Me: Hay!

Wife: What's up?

Me: No. Hay!

Proceed to point to some fresh hay bales.

A classic. Feel free to use it to drive your people crazy as well.

A person on standbi

(I do not mean to offend anyone if this does)

Next week the museum I work at begins a three-week run of what we call Bubblefest. There will be bubbles everywhere, a bubble laser show, all kinds of exhibits and interactive shows explaining some of the science involved with bubbles. So I need some jokes and puns to replace the old standby of "my pop is bigger than your pop!"

They are on standbi

Son: Okay, so I would identify as bisexual.

Me: And that means you would have a male partner.

Son. Yep.

Me: Or a female partner.

Son: Yep.

Me: And that means you're bi.

Son: Yep.

Me: So that means if you don't find a partner you're on standbi?

Son: ..

Son: ...

Son: ..

Son: Did you just..

Does anyone have any good magazine/reporter puns? I'm the editor of a student magazine and we'd like a pun to put on our shirts. We can always go with the old standby "we have issues" but I'm sure someone somewhere has something funnier.

As a big proponent of the dadjoke I want to argue that a dadjoke is not just a pun. I see lots of material submitted here that might be better suited for /r/punny.

Speaking as a dad, for me a classic dad joke is highly dependent on the context.

I can't whip out old standbys at any moment and call them proper dadjokes. If I'm driving my kid to school I can't just ask him "Hey, do you know why the kids couldn't see the pirate movie? It was rated aaarrrgh!". That's just a bad joke.

OTOH, if my kid says "are" kinda funny (which he has before), and I make a joke about him being the youngest pirate I know (I may or may not have done this before), then that's a dadjoke. A shitty one, but still a dadjoke. The best context ones are where a situation presents itself and the dad takes the opportunity to make the lame joke (as in a post from awhile back where the OP overheard three or four dads make almost the exact same joke at an aquarium).

Straight up puns should go to /r/punny. Context specific jokes which rely on vagaries of the language or the funny situation, should stay here.

Just my two cents worth.

I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:

I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.

This is the exact conversation every time:

Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?

Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?

Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).

When I'm with friends I have a few standby jokes that I use:

1. Friend: Man, this sucks.
   Me: You know what else sucks?
   Friend: What?
   Me: A vacuum.

2. Friend: That's so gay.
   Me: You know what else is gay?
   Friend: ...
   Me: Two guys having sex.

My dad had a couple of standby jokes that he would dish out at every opportunity. His favorite was, anytime we would say something like, "me and Jon went to the park" he would reply, "why is Jon so mean?"

...does that mean they're on standbi?

He said he was on standbi