Gravitational waves make a splash! (Credit: how.how)
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MetropolisCourier
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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The joke really made a splash.

Me: Hey dad I think I fixed the leak in my ceiling.

Him: If at first you don't succeed, dry, dry again.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyeballshurt
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2015
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Why won’t the dolphin apologize for splashing you with water??

Because he did it on porpoise...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_Luv_Dubstep
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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Did you just jump off of a diving board?

🎢 877 SPLASH NOW 🎢

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πŸ‘€︎ u/synexo
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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So today my friend splashed some water on me, and then a car splashed him.

Now thats some good carma

Yea imma head out...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilanTheUAVMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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A parishioner at my church broke into the holy water tank and splashed some on his infant daughter, saying, "your are hereby baptized!"

That's just not rite.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2019
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Went to SeaWorld and got splashed by dolphins

Pretty sure they did it on porpoise.

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πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
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My son splashed soup all over my wife at dinner...

... After we cleaned the mess, because he thought it was party time not dinner time, my wife was sitting, defeated, on the couch lamenting having a rowdy toddler. She was listing all the things that could be different if he was calmer (the kid is always full-throttle and smart as fuck, I love it but it's a lot to handle) including not stinking like soup. I look into her eyes, hold her hands in mine, lift her chin up and said:

"Baby, I love you. You smell super."

In unrelated news, sleeping on the couch is better than advertised.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/greymalken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2017
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the puppy test

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

  1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
  2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
  3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
  4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
  5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
  6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
  7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
  8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
  9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
  10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
  11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
  12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
  13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
  14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
  15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
  16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
  17. Always go straight home after work or school
  18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
  19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
  20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
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[Meta] The real purpose of dad jokes

Back in the before times, when sit-down restaurants existed, I used to order boneless cheese sticks and would just throw the word "boneless" in front of any appetizer with 100% corniness. The purpose of this isn't to make a good joke. It's not a good joke. The purpose is to make my dining companions catch some cringe splash damage and want to crawl into a hole and die out of embarrassment for my being horribly corny.

But there is a real, deeper purpose that I've discovered entirely by accident. People, especially young people, are so self-conscious and worried about saying or doing something embarrassing that it taints a lot of social gatherings. They go to a restaurant and are afraid to speak up even when their order is blatantly wrong. They'll tip well even when the food took an hour to arrive and the server has disappeared into the corn stalks behind a baseball field. It takes 2 hours of hanging out together before some friends finally stop nitpicking themselves, uncomfortable in their own bodies and brains, feeling perpetually judged, and begin to relax. These are the kinds of people who go to sleep every night replaying cringey moments from high school. Their last thought of the day is when the Burger King girl said, "Enjoy your meal!" and they said, "Thanks, you too."

It takes 2 hours and/or a lot of booze before they're comfortable enough to take conversational risks and truly reveal themselves. But if I come right out of the gate with a really dumb joke, then we can cut to the chase. There's less danger because someone in the group already shot themselves in the foot, right off the bat. They pulled a pin on the cringe grenade and then jumped on it.

You cringe at my dumb joke and then we're over the hump. Someone has already done something pretty stupid, so go ahead and order the hubcap of nachos and a massive chocolate shake because nobody is going to judge you poorly while they're all judging me.

In terms of price negotiations (haggling), there is a psychological concept called "anchoring". You throw out the first number and all subsequent numbers are compared to that number. This is the same idea. We've already set the humor standard pretty low at "boneless cheese sticks", so you can say the dumbest shit you want and, as long as it's not worse than my cheesy joke, it won't matter.

This is why, when you were a teenager and your dad took you and some friends out, your dad made corny jokes. He knew they were corny jokes. You and your friends un

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Permatato
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
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Almost got splashed by the water.

One hot day, my friend and I were at the amusement park. We were just about to walk through the splash zone for a water ride when we saw the come down the track and spray water everywhere. By the time we reached the splash zone, all that was left in the air was a light mist. "I wish we would've gotten hit with the water, but it mist."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mbrdfld3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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What would be a good whale pun for a graduation cake?
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaucyMoonbeams
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
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a joke my dad told that took 2 weeks to pay off

(the joke makes more sense in dutch)

My dad talking to my nephew about his pet horse he used to have.

"My horse was an oddball, wherever we'd go he'd look for water to splash around in. one time we went to the beach and he'd jump into the water and swim around."

Two weeks later we're hanging out and my aunt tells dad she heard the story about his horse, and asked what kind of horse it was.

"a seahorse"

(in dutch he talked about a dog, and a seal in dutch is "zeehond" (seadog))

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lewney
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
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I put a miniature black hole in my house

It really brings the family together

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πŸ‘€︎ u/x_amxxn_x
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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What happens when you throw a yellow rock into a purple stream?

It makes a splash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MildBanana
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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Cool with it

Me and a classmate were working a fundraiser. He splashed me with the ice water from the drinks, and so I splashed him back. He said, "I'm cool with this."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Christine900
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.

I made a huge splash

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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What did Bruce Banner say at the waterpark

Hulk Splash!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lankywiesner
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
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Last time I saw my ex-wife, what she said made me so mad I pushed her in the river

Q: What did she say?

A: SPLASH!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rundmcc
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
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We have a latte fun at my work...

So I was pouring a cup of coffee when the lip of the cup caught on the spout of the coffee pot causing some hot coffee to splash on my hand, instinctively I yanked my hand away like a scalded cat.

Customer: "oh my God, are you ok?!”

Me: "Yeah, it's fine. It's only a..Light Roast."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lantec
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2017
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Hey dad, I'm gonna go to the aquarium later.

Dad: that otter be fun.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/origami_deathmask
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2013
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I know this guy right?

I know this guy right? He went and filled up his tank with fuel at the servo. He didn't put the hose in properly so it click and the 91 fuel splashed back onto him. He didn't think anything of it and just let it dry and went and paid for it. He's a smoker and on the way home from the servo he lights one up and his arm catches on fire. Fuck man, he was freaking out! So he puts his arm out the window to put the fire out. Next thing you know, the po po pull out behind this bloke, lights and sirens blaring! He got pull over and was arrested for an unregistered fire arm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tarnawysks
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2017
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dad joked my niece

So my niece was talking about how it was raining, and at her school they have these "tents", which are really just tarps, over the outside lunch area. Apparently water pools up on top of them after it rains.

Her: the janitor was pushing up with a broom underneath and the water was splashing off, it was intense! me: sounds like it was off-tents actually... her: facepalm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/plasticarmyman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2014
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Bread making Dad joke

My daughter and I were making some bread and I accidently splashed some flour on her . I said "sorry" and she said "you did it on purpose". I replied I did it on "All purpose".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trying_to_be_me
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2016
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My dad told this one a few years ago,

When Bin Laden was eliminated, my dad and his buddies made a drink, they called it a Bin Laden. He asked me if I wanted to know how it's made, I said sure.

He said, "It's really simple, just two shots and a splash."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Malabotprime
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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My Dad's commercial idea

"Imagine someone cooking right? And they're wearing a white dress. And all of a sudden some spaghetti sauce splashes onto her. Her husband says, hey honey, washout. Like shout. Watch out. Get it?"

Thanks dad

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Little_Rude
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2016
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Whisky Business

My wife was making gravy at the stove when she whisked too hard and splashed some on her hand, burning herself.

Not missing this opportunity I said "well you know what they say about burning yourself cooking at home.... it's the whisk you take.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/americanrabbit
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2015
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Is your water pasteurized?

Dad: Hey, do you think that pool water is pasteurized?

Me: Why would they pasteurize the pool water?

Dad: If you scoop some up in in your hands and splash it on your face then it would be past your eyes!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crankindownhourly
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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This guy must be one cool dad.

Edit: here's the image, if you want.

>/u/13thmurder: >I work with liquid nitrogen all day. Being splashed with it like that wouldn't actually hurt at all. You'd need to be hit by a constant stream of it to cause any damage, or pour it in your shoes or something. Prolonged contact does damage. Momentary contact does nothing.

>>/u/shagmyballs:

>>What kind of job requires this?

>>>/u/Bubonic_Ferret:

>>>A cool one.

Source: http://www.reddit.com/r/WTF/comments/1ypcvn/acid_in_the_face/cfmoecc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mollyfied
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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