Splattering Puns

Bet he doesn't have the guts to do that again.

There is 1 green apple and 1 red apple on a table. How many of them are green?

All of them, except the red one.

When a bug splatters on the windshield he always says, "I bet it doesn't have the guts to do that again".

The other night, my wife made a fantastic peach pie. It was the best one she has been ever made (she even put my initials in it with a heart around it). As she was showing off her handiwork, the pie slipped out of the pan and splattered everywhere. The wife started crying, the kids started complaining. My 23 year old nephew walks into the room and looks at the ensuing chaos. He grabs a handful of the mush, eats it, and says to my wife, "I think the pie turned out just peachy."

Bug Splatters

Dad- "You know what the last thing that went through that bug's head when he hit the windshield?"

Me- "No dad, what?"

Dad- "His ass!"

Gets em every time

So I treated myself to some new books yesterday from a small local place near me, I decided to stop off at the parents on the way home and the mother had her face in the book bag before I new what was going on.

I'm showing her what I've bought and when opening one of them, I find a small maggot like creature splattered inside one of the covers! The remains of its body on one side, a goopy mess on the other. At this point the father walks past, peers over my shoulder & says 'you know what that is don't you?'. No I replied, thinking I'm going to get some to quality useless dad knowledge laid upon me........'A bookworm' he states! And fully committed to his delivery, walks clear through the kitchen and out to his shed without even a glance back.