The plumber told me I installed the valve on my water softener wrong

I felt completely invalvidated

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lordofthstrings
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2021
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What's the best stool softener that everyone has been on at least once?

Upholstery.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2020
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What type of fabric softener does iron man use ?

Downey

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Johnny_Two_Timez
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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I lost a court case against a fabric softener

I fought Lenor and Lenor won!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stoatwobbler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
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Why wasn't the fabric softener doing so great?

It was feeling rather Downy.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrHollowed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2019
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Wife: β€œshould we get the hypoallergenic fabric softener?”

Me: β€œno the regular stuff is fine we’re only a littleallergenic”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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Used a fabric softener bottle to spread rock salt on the driveway, had to label it properly
πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2015
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I ran out of fabric softener today.

It's going to be a rough week.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheToteGoat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2018
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I dropped my wife's epilepsy medicine in the washing machine instead of fabric softener....

Now her clothes don't fit.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
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What did the unappreciated on demand water heater say to the water softener?

This is a tankless job.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisismeCody
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Why do they put lotion in tissues?

To soften the blow

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/I_SHIT_A_BRICK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2021
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I’ll be there for you
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Paulomen2712
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2019
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I’ve heard southern comfort is nice,

Because normal comfort just tastes like fabric softener!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nymphomanius
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Toilet joke

What do u call a cushion on the toilet seat?

A stool softener

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrwizit
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do upholstery and Ex-Lax have in common?

They can both soften your stool.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FresnelFaro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2020
🚨︎ report
"Dad, I really want to work in the moisturizer industry, what should I do?"

"The best advice I can give you is to apply daily."

πŸ‘︎ 194
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I kept leaving my local bar with a sore butt.

So I took some stool softener.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kalekent
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2019
🚨︎ report
A lumberjack died in the woods...

There once was a lumberjack who was known as the hardest working lumberjack in the woods. Old Doolittle Dawort Deigh had a reputation and the complete respect of his coworkers for nearly 60 years. As we all know, tough lumberjacks can’t have sissy names. So many years ago, as was the tradition in the woods, old Doolittle Dawort Deigh was saddled with a nickname and had become known as simply Do Dah.

One tragic afternoon, old Do Dah was working his trade when a tree happened to fall the wrong way. Poor old Do Dah was squished flatter than a lumberjack flapjack. His coworkers, distraught at the thought of breaking the news of Do Dah’s death to his elderly wife, decided that perhaps if bad news was presented in a somewhat good way, it might soften the blow.

So that afternoon, old Do Dah’s fellow lumberjacks gathered on the stoop of the now widowed Mrs. Deigh and hesitantly knocked on the door. It took a few minutes for the old widow to make it across the room to the door. Finally as the door creaked open, the chorus of lumberjacks launched into a rousing rendition of

β™ͺ Guess who died in the woods today β™« Do Dah, Do Dah. β™« Guess who died in the woods today Old Do Dah Deigh. ♬

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philo-sopher
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2017
🚨︎ report
My mom makes a good dad

My mom's boyfriend asked her for an Advil. She comes back, hands him the pill, and he takes it.

She says, "I don't have my glasses on so I either gave you an Advil or a stool softener. We'll just have to wait and find out."

We look at her laughing and she tops it off with, "I guess it's a crapshoot!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhasky
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2014
🚨︎ report
My Dad is a Champion dad-joker.

At dinner, my mom was talking about her day:

Mom: "I had to order a new stool for the kitchen..."

Dad Interupts: "Why? Was the old one too hard?"

Mom: "What?"

Dad: "Well, if the old one is too hard, don't buy a new one, just rub some stool softener on it!"

All of us: groan

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dexreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2014
🚨︎ report
What does a laxative do? Dad knows...

Dad: Tell me what this laxative bottle says Me: Uh.. "Softens stool" Dad:put it in the kitchen and everyone will be falling over walks out of room laughing to himself

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rbesfe
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2015
🚨︎ report

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