Australia’s recovery from Covid-19 is a bit like a Spice Girls reunion

Victoria ruins it for everyone

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πŸ‘€︎ u/3Gums
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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My mom told me the first step towards recovery is admitting your fault

So I asked if that’s why people are admitted to the hospital

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_controler
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
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When you mess up on the first go but you have a good recovery
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πŸ‘€︎ u/irbinator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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My friend has an addiction to flour and is in recovery. To test him, I brought him to a Panera company...

I was wrong in thinking he was clean and no longer would knead it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2019
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After surgery, I made these two little gems in the recovery room
  1. I asked my blood type ( genuinely didn't know it). When they said A Positive, I mused, "that must explain why I'm such a positive guy.” ( got a pretty good chuckle from those in the room)

  2. They realized I didn't need oxygen and hauled the tank out of the room. I uttered, "tanks for nothing!" (got a bigger chuckle)

Not the greatest puns ever, but not bad for just coming out of general anesthetic :)

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2018
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I've devoted my life to recovery from alcohol and drugs.

So far it's been a very sobering experience.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GeezusManForReal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2018
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Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2017
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Alcoholic Recovery: Collecting More Emptied Bottles

Alternatively:

Alcoholic Recovery: Collecting Bottles, Emptied or Full.

Resolution: Alcoholic Recovery, Collecting Emptied Bottles

Resolution: Alcoholic Recovery, Collecting More Bottles

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πŸ‘€︎ u/whygeorgia
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2017
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Thankfully Duck with knife found stuck in its head has made a full recovery and is now going by the name Quack the knife
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fair_SOTS
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2017
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I asked my friend. "How is your gambling addiction recovery going?"

He said, "I could be bettor."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2017
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Brightening my BF's recovery from surgery with Dad Jokes

Background: My boyfriend is stuck on crutches after having hip surgery and likes to sit in the recliner with his legs propped up. Since he can't move his hips, I have to lower the footrest for him to get out of the chair.

Him: Can you put my feet down so I can go relax in the bed for a while?

Me: Feet, you're stupid and useless and no one likes you!

Him giving me silence with a side of contempt while I cackle.

Laughter is the best medicine...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HuskeyG
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2014
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Recovery is what it's all about.
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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After the contractor did a poor job installing the moving stairs in our office building my boss threw him down the steps.

That escalated quickly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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I used to upholster furniture for a living and hated it. My boss switched me to packing for a while then switched me back. I hate it so bad I have to go to a support group. Talking helps me to do the damned job.

I'm in recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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Today I told my family that I would be going to Australia this afternoon.

Because I am going down unda’! (Anesthesia... I’m having surgery today.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gabeb71
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
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Why did the Pony go to the vet?

He was a little hoarse!

Update: I’m very sad to announce that he has been diagnosed with hay fever. Please send him your best wishes for a speedy recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatTheCuckooSaw
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2019
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I have been learning to play the guitar...

It plays an instrumental role in my recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/um0da
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2019
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My friend got so drunk one time, he ripped up all his car's upholstery...

He's in recovery now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2019
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I’m ashamed I never thought of it

True story: today at work, I was getting ready to discharge a patient from the recovery room after surgery, and I asked β€œhow do you feel?”

Without hesitation he replied β€œwith my fingers” and the old guy in the next bay chuckled and yelled β€œgood one!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMC0317
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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I was revising an essay the other day...

when all of a sudden I deleted an entire sentence. I tried Ctrl+Z, document recovery, and everything, but eventually I gave it up as a lost clause.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_love_cool_words
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2018
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A guy I know tore his ACL and this is how he told everyone on Facebook

While this news undoubtedly sucks, I'm trying to take it in stride and em-brace it nonetheless! The recovery will give me the opportunitknee to improve my skills as a sideline player and some extra downtime to expand my abilities in programming and graphic design. I plan to continue at-tendon practices and other events as normal though! So many teammates, past and present, have already been incredibly supportive and reached out to help me; its certainly been a joint effort, and I can't thank you all enough for that. In hindsight, I wouldn't change akneething about attending USA U24 tryouts as tenacity, perserverance, and sacrifice are often the names of the game in pursuit of distant dreams. Ultimately, I guess some things are just liga-meant to be!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2017
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I recently had surgery on my knee and have been going to physical therapy every week.

It’s pivotal to my recovery.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rosedj1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
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Request for puns

Hi guys, I have a friend who has recently has surgery on her back to remove some cysts. I'm going to give her a get well card and I want to put as many back/cyst/surgery/recovery/etc. related puns or general sayings as I can for a goofy card that will hopefully give her some chuckles.

E.g. "You're like a CYSTer to me", "Hope you get BACK to being well soon", "You've been through enough PUNishment". Etc.

Help me Reddit you're my only hope. :)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Oneofakindof
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2015
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My sister was in a pretty bad car accident a few years ago

Hit head-on by a drunk driver, she broke her right wrist and forearm (compound fracture), and broke her right femur. The doctor came to talk to us after the surgery and told us she was okay. My dad asked, "will she be able to play the trumpet?" And the doctor assured us that she would make a full recovery and be able to play after the cast came off. To which my dad replies, "Wow, you're one hell of a doctor. All she could play before was the piano!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omaha_shanks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2013
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A symphony of groan.

At the dinner table.

Mother in law: "...he has recently had two surgeries to fuse his lower vertebrae, his recovery has been quite slow"

Me: "Well I would expect nothing less after having back to back operations."

after about 4 seconds people started leaving the table.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mactonite
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2014
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So my dad just had open heart surgery

It's his second day in recovery and he's finally awake and starting to walk around a bit. Today he was moved to a step-down unit from ICU. A new doctor we've never seen before came over to check up on my dad.

Doctor: "Hi Mr. _______, how are you feeling? Dr. Esposito asked me to keep an eye on you."

Dad: "Oh really? Which one?"

Poor doctor was so taken aback... He didn't even see it coming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VRBD
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2014
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Dadjoked my mom as she recovers from surgery (slightly gross)

My mom's been in the hospital having a difficult recovery from surgery, and she's spent the last few weeks attached to various contraptions to drain the wound site. Dad sent an update today: "Mom's been released. No wound vac, no drains of any kind. Just an island dressing. πŸ˜ƒ"

"Yay", I said. "That's 999 islands less than most people get!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mysphyt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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my mom has the worst jokes

If an onion makes you cry what makes you laugh?

An artijoke (artichoke)

Did you hear about the guy who had an accident in the upholstery machine?

He's okay now after his recovery

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psymonp
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
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First joke as a dad

My wife gave birth yesterday. As we were settling into the recovery room, the nurse came in and the baby started to cry. She tried to console him and said to us:

Nurse: He's really just yelling at you saying "Do you know what I've been through today?!"

Me (imitating my wife): Yeah, me!

She was too tired to groan, but I think I'm gonna like this.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattityahu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
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My dad had a stroke a couple months ago.

He made a full recovery but had a spell last night and fell a few times from low blood pressure. He said his butt was sore so he was going to check it in the mirror. He said "I looked and it looks like I cracked my butt......"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SMYTAITY
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2015
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It was a good one. He cracked himself up

So yesterday I had vision correction surgery and on the ride home my mom called. My dad answered it via the car phone and my mom was asking how it went and all that. The conversation went as follows:

Mom: Hi how are you doing? How's Phil?

Dad: Hi we are good. He was in and out in about 20 minutes and they gave him a CD with only one track on it as part of the recovery package.

Mom: Really? What for?

Dad: Just to ease the anxiety he may experience shortly after the surgery. It's the song I can see clearly now.

My mom proceeded to crack up over the phone and I think she accidentally hung up as well. My girlfriend and I were laughing hysterically as well.

Knowing my dad, he couldn't wait to drop that one.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2014
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