Did you hear the one the Doctor told all his patients who were recovering from surgery?

They were all in stitches

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themoreidont
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2020
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What does a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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Scheduled my vasectomy today, and my wife will be recovering from our last baby. I’m sure no one will find this as funny as I did.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jbrogart17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Sorry if this breaks the rules but, please cheer up my dad! He's a punctuation expert who is recovering from surgery. He just had half of his lower digestive system removed. It would really cheer him up if you could comment with his favorite punctuation mark:

;

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πŸ‘€︎ u/edhere
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2017
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I am recovering from a knee injury and wife asked how my morning excercise routine went. imgur.com/sEI4Q7b
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Some_MelonCat
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2018
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My dad was told he couldn't lift more than 5 pounds while recovering from his heart attack.

He asked the nurse how he was supposed to pee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Khoops66
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2013
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Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DirtyWookieScalp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2017
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What do lawyers and recovering alcoholics have in common?

Successfully passing the Bar

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrippDog
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2016
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When I'm recovering from stings,

I find myself bee-itchy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/engfish
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2015
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My pop's roommate at the hospital, recovering

Just wheeled in from surgery, transferred to hospital bed. Dude's laying in his bed, moaning.

Nurse is all, sir are you ok?

Ohhhhhhhhhhh.

Are you in pain, sir?

Moannnnnnn.

Sir, can you tell me what hurts?

It's my wallet…

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sedorner
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2015
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I saw a duck at my local rehab center.

I asked and he said he’s there because he’s a recovering quack addict.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/the-real-Mr-Toast
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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Did you hear about that guy who fell into the reupholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/betchhxx
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Funny 'Dads Anonymous' story to share for the holiday weekend.

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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Did you hear about the guy that got shot with an upholstery gun 200 times?

They said he's fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/33arig
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
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How did they recover the frozen philosopher from the ice?

The process was simple; it was well thought out.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Word_art_Online
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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Did you here about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?

He's fully recovered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSketchiest
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
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My friend was a chair upholstery technician but got the coronavirus. It took him out 2 weeks, but he's finally getting better...

He's recovering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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Doctor: I think your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast and you’ll recover.

Dad: That’s great. But I don’t see how being in a movie would help.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
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My wife said she needs space to recover.

I suggested she needs to alternate, control and delete.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lum1nar
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2019
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Tea

One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me and my brother who is four years older than I am. I was maybe 1 and a half years old and had just recovered from an accident in which my arm had been broken among other injuries.

Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news and my brother was playing nearby in the living room when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up, then says, 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet??'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hayeshilton
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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Doctor: Your hand is broken. I’ll put you in a cast, and it’ll recover.

Me: Wow! Thanks. I always wanted to be in a movie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2018
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My wife traumatically removed the covers from me last night

But I think I will recover

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GOATGAMER999
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2020
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My Cat hasn't been well lately

... She's recovering from a massive Stroke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2020
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Our toddler woke us up, ripping the sheet off our bed last night...

... it’s ok but, we recovered.

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
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Last night, my girlfriend dramatically ripped the blankets off me...

Don’t worry I’ll recover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Radish00
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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I may never fully recover from this one.

As my family was driving to a restaurant, my mom pointed out a cool looking Audi car.
My dad: "Hm, I wonder when they will make innies?"
Needless to say, there was much "uhg"-ing on this night.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Protoss_Pylon
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who's blanket fell off of him in the hospital?

He never recovered

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealismBigBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
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Dadjoked my mom as she recovers from surgery (slightly gross)

My mom's been in the hospital having a difficult recovery from surgery, and she's spent the last few weeks attached to various contraptions to drain the wound site. Dad sent an update today: "Mom's been released. No wound vac, no drains of any kind. Just an island dressing. πŸ˜ƒ"

"Yay", I said. "That's 999 islands less than most people get!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mysphyt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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Why do Soviet planes crash all the time?

Cuz they Stalin, and they can’t recover from it fast enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Captainjbao
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
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A couple mornings ago my 2 year old daughter took off her PJs so I asked β€œhoney, aren’t you chilly?”

She responded: ”I no chiwwy, I Madison.”

I almost died choking on pancake. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shenkspine
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
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What's the name of the Brazilian who lost his car?

Carlos.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/moses10960
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
🚨︎ report
In the forest, a sad lonely looking turtle begins to climb slowly up a huge tree. Half way up, it edges along a branch, sighs, then jumps. It falls smacking into the ground, bouncing and tumbling across the forest floor...

Recovering and bruised, he slowly climbs the tree again, jumps and falls to the ground.

The turtle tries again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watch his pathetic efforts.

Finally, the female bird turns to her mate, β€œDarling, don't you think it’s time to tell him he’s adopted?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Then there was the upholsterer who got mangle in his machinery...

he's fully recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cryptozoophagist
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
"DELETER OF THE FREE WORLD" - New York Post front page on the Hillary email scandal imgur.com/0BNIPzn
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wazzzzah
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2015
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That reminds me of the joke about the bed...

oh wait it hasn't been made yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2017
🚨︎ report
Did y’all ever hear about the guy who fell into an upholstery machine?

He’s fully recovered, don’t worry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/senorbritches
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2019
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I lost my password.

I still haven't recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dagwood757
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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Police have busted the PGA tour golf club syndicate...

They have recovered a set of stolen golf clubs and arrested one man. But they are still looking for the driver.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
🚨︎ report
There was an accident at work the other day...

A guy had a metal skid dropped on his foot, severing all his toes. To add insult to injury, while he was recovering in the hospital, he was served divorce papers by his wife's lawyer. No one was really all that surprised, though; she's lactose intolerant.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropolous
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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Wife: "No. That's where I draw the line."

Wife says she's going to go finish cutting the grass (I am still recovering from shoulder surgery) and I told her "don't forget outside the fence."

To which she responded "nope. That's where I draw the line...."

So, of course, I responded "oh yeah? Well do ya know where I draw the line??"

"Hmm..."

"On paper!"

At which point she rolled her eyes and walked out to the garage...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2018
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Upholsterers never die

They always recover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/larry1186
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Senior sex

The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well."

OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"

"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?"

Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply,"Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dan_the_Man0904
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
No matter how much you push the envelope,

it'll still be stationery.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I'd swear I've never met herbivore

I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the ends.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PewPewWizard2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad texts me jokes about once a week. Here are about 30 of my favorites.
  • What's the difference between mononucleosis and herpes? You get mono from snatching kisses.

  • If you were to lose your left arm, you'd be all right.

  • Why can't you hear a pteradactyl going to the bathroom? Because the P is silent.

  • Communists only write in lower-case letters because they hate capitalism.

  • I got a new job at the police sketching pictures of suspects. I'm a con artist.

  • Cat Woman's real name is Catherine Woman.

  • I have a new cat joke. ...Just kitt'en.

  • How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for Fresh Prints. *

  • Did you hear about the two men who stole a calendar? They got six months each.

  • I just saw an Apple store get robbed. Does that make me an iWitness?

  • Dwarfs and midgets have very little in common.

  • I'm moving to Seoul. I was told it would be a good Korea move.

  • Did you hear about the professor who was killed in a car accident? He was grading papers on a curve.

  • Why isn't an iPhone charger called Apple Juice?

  • Ever try to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

  • When Peter Pan throws punches, they Never Land.

  • I was struggling to understand how lightning works, but then it struck me.

  • Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time, too.

  • Apparently Neil Armstrong used to tell unfunny jokes about the moon, and then follow up with, "Ah, I guess you had to be there."

  • I'm going to make a TV series about a plane hijacking. We just shot the pilot.

  • Would you call a drunk working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

  • Yesterday I got covered in ketchup from my head tomatoes.

  • Even though I've gone bald, I still keep the same comb I've had for 20 years. I just can't part with it.

  • Picture of my sister after getting her nose pierced "She nose something!"

  • I went to the dentist and showed him my cavity. He told me to pull up my pants and get the hell out.

  • Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It was okay - he woke up.

  • So what if I can't spell armageddon. It's not the end of the world.

  • When you get an infection, urine trouble.

  • "Hey waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!" "Yes, sir; it's fresh ground."

  • How did the butcher introduce his wife? "Meat Patty."

  • Elton John is a great piano player, but he sucks on the organ.

  • Elton John wrote a tribute to Amy Winehouse: Candle Under the Spoon *

  • What's the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan? Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke. *

*My absolut

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhenIm6TFour
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2014
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street

And I saw a man doing something sort of funny. He was standing next to two big piles of aluminum cans. He seemed to have all kinds, Coke, Pepsi, Sprite, store brand, it didnt matter. One pile was intact cans, and the other was crushed.

I was curious, so I asked him what it was all about. He told me he was out of work, and to make ends meet, he recycled cans. The folks in the neighborhood knew him, and brought their empties by. He refused beer cans, it was too hard on him as a recovering alcoholic. He was out there 12 hours a day, seven days a week. Collecting cans and crushing them. Recycling them at 50 cents per pound. He told me he preferred it to begging because it was honest work.

As I walked away, I genuinely felt bad for the guy. His whole life was soda pressing.

Edit: cleaned up some autocorrect errors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/7_t_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2017
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'I beat my addiction' is terrible.

For recovering porn addicts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/silverwidow4
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2015
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Grandpa's still got it.

My grandfather is recovering from surgery...

Mom: How are you feeling?

Grandpa: With my fingers.

I could hear my dad laughing hysterically in the background.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dpRAWRqb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2014
🚨︎ report
Can I take your vitals?

"Just don't take them too far."

My old man is in the hospital recovering from a stroke, and just had this exchange with a nurse. I'm very relieved to see he's still it!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timinator1000
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2016
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Pulled this one on my wife just a while ago

We were talking about a mutual friend recovering from cancer:

Wife: .. and her tumor shrunk at least 50% now.

Me: (almost instantly) So it's a onemor now? Good for her!

Wife: (Silence then a groan)

..I think I'm going to hell for that one.

EDIT: grammar thanks jonty57

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πŸ‘€︎ u/smalaki
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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While I was at school the other day...

My dad pulled this shit on me

Dad: did you hear about the kidnapping at school today?

Me: WHAT just now???

Dad: It's okay...he just woke up!

Followed by me recovering from a little panic attack that ensued and calling him an idiot. He did good though.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zediious
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2015
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My workaholic friend in Taiwan just had a heart attack.

I mean, i hope he recovers, but what do you expect with a taipei personality

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ganders81
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2017
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Not my first but it felt good:

My newborn daughter is currently in the NICU recovering from a heart condition which had caused some respiratory complications. Because of these respiratory complications she had been intubated since birth until just a few days ago which had prevented her from learning how to breast feed. This morning, I told my wife to keep me updated with how things are going as she spent some time with our daughter so that I could get some of life's necessities completed. My wife then sent me a text explaining that the doctors had decided to allow our daughter to breast feed and that our daughter had just "latched" for the first time. I responded, "That's great news! Thanks for keeping me abreast!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BALTIM0RE
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2015
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Punrelenting word play at the Rose Parade

New Year's Day... The start of a fresh 365 sunrises that symbolize a turning point in lifestyle and spending the entire day recovering from a dreadful hangover. Like many other people in America, this relatively fake holiday is a time that I spend with my family. One of my family's many traditions (alongside annihilating plates of buffalo wings and watching college football until we pass out on the couch) is watching the Rose Parade. At the very beginning of the event, before all of the flower-covered floats and high school bands came marching down the street, there was an introductory ceremony complete with a B-2 stealth bomber flyover. As soon as they passed by, zooming out of the camera's frame, my dad leans in closer to me and says "Well I sure didn't see that coming!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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How to get your kid to stop picking his nose around you.

When I was a kid, any time my dad saw me picking my nose, he would say:

"Hey, is that a diamond in your nose?"

Me: "What? No."

Him: "Oh IT'SNOT?? ***IT'S SNOT???***"

After the first couple times, I stopped responding. The worst part is that he eventually stopped caring whether I humored him or not and would just jump right into the punchline.

"Is that a diamond in your nose? OH, IT'S SNOT??" And then he would just laugh hysterically, and say it again while he was recovering from his laughing fit. "IT'S SNOT?!?!?" He'd probably say it 5 or 6 times while increasingly losing his shit each time until his words were just incoherent. I used to think he was laughing at the joke itself, but now I'm pretty sure that the more straight/annoyed my face was, the funnier the whole bit was for him, which explains why he would laugh harder and harder as he went on with it. Then he'd finish with one of those high pitched 'laugh-ending' sighs and wipe his eyes. God it was obnoxious.

I can't wait until I'm a dad and I get to use it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SlapYourHands
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2013
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My dad never misses an opportunity

My mom is a recovering stroke victim and walked with one of those four-pronged canes. she came inside and realized on of the rubber pad things fell off the cane in the yard. I ran outside to find it. When I came back in, I yelled "I found the rubber!" To which my father replied "Good. We wouldn't want her having unprotected steps!"

Buh-dum chhh!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeglessPete
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2014
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Inadvertently Dad-Joked Myself...

I've recovering from a bad road bike crash where I fractured my hip and was in the hospital a few days after surgery (about 4 weeks ago). I was knocked unconscious in the crash, but my helmet probably saved my life and I was diagnosed with post-traumatic amnesia.

A few days later I was talking to a friend and he was asking about the crash and I said, "The doctor told me a name for the type of amnesia it is, but I don't remember it..."

He replied with a laugh, "Did you mean to make that joke?"

I didn't. It's hilarious.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Horse_Glue_Knower
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
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Post breakup dad jokes can hurt... But damn they can be funny..

Significant other recently dumped me to heal some personal life issues alone. Call the family and explain the situation, tell them that bf was sadly a recovering drug addict.

Go home to enjoy a mom daughter weekend. Bad dad joke ensues.

Dad calls: What are you and your mom up to today? Me: We just finished a manicure pedicure session. Dad: I thought you just got rid of one of those? Me: ...what?.. Dad: A man-to-cure. Me: .....Face palm. Okay dad... That was pretty good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/schatraw10
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2015
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Dad joked my step daughter

So my step daughter is recovering from having here wisdom teeth pulled 3 days ago.

She just asked "so how do I brush my teeth"? (Her dentist gave special instructions).

I replied "with a tooth brush".

She flips me off. God I love my kids.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dragonstar982
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2014
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My grandma just sent a chain email full of these. I'll just copy and paste them.

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for the use of words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

Here goes...

.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.

.. The batteries were given out free of charge.

.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

.. A will is a dead giveaway.

.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.

.. When you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.

.. Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

.. Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He's all right now.

.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it's just two tired.

.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.

.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.

.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.

.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.

.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

And the cream of the twisted crop:

.. Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/All_Hail_Dionysus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
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Happy pi day

I'm not celebrating pi day this year... I've only just recovered from e day on February 72nd.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/beeteedee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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A guy at my father-in-law's work got in an upholstery machine accident...

He told me not to worry though because he's fully recovered!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adecle
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
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This gem was just dropped on me.

A little back story. My father just recovered from prostate cancer and is doing much better after they removed it BUT he still has some urinary issues. Well he walks into my room... "Hey buddy, guess what" says Dad "What?" I reply with a heavy sigh "I don't know, it depends." As dad pulls some brand new depends diapers from behind his back.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NillaGodzilla
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2014
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My father-in-law got us with a dark one...

My mother-in-law was in the hospital for a week with spinal meningitis (she's fine now, fully recovered). During this hospitalization, the family cat went missing. While my wife and her father were at the hospital taking care of her mum and helping her get tons of tests done every day, one of my evening responsibilities was to go looking for the dang cat.

One evening towards the end of the week, I was updating them on the cat hunt situation, to which her father replied, "I just don't understand it. We've just been through about 6 CAT scans this week and we still can't find the bloody cat!"

...Groans ensued...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/justgrant2009
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2014
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Dad and Pneumonia

'Dave recovered from pneumonia last week. He now has oldmonia.'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/peterwee999
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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A man was shot 200 times with an upholstery gun...

.. doctors say he is now fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZimbaZumba
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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A man was shot more than 200 times with an upholstery gun...

Doctors revelaed he is now β€˜fully recovered’.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2020
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Did you hear about the man who fell into the upholstery machine?

He is fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beard_on
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night.

But I will recover.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2019
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last night, my wife dramatically ripped the blankets off me

Don’t worry i’ll recover

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HoldMeDownSanta
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2019
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Did you hear about the man who fell in the upholstery machine?

He came away fully recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/buckeyespud
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2019
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Did you hear about the guy that fell into the upholstering machine?

He's completely recovered now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FYF69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2018
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Would you call a drunk...

...working at an upholstery a recovering alcoholic?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 11 2017
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A friend of mine fell into an upholstery machine...

....but it's ok. He's recovered.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mystikmike
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2017
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