I'm obsessed with collecting old Beatles records. My friends say I need help..

..but I've already got that one.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Button_FC
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
I've decided to start collecting records

And that's vinyl

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/well_known_man
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My record collection includes Bruce Springsteen, John Cougar Mellencamp, and Tom Petty. It’s almost a full Heartland Rock set...

Close, but no Seger.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theRiverknows86
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
The fisherman used all funds from fish sales to buy collections of audio recordings issued as a single item on CD...

He sold his sole for rock'n'roll.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2019
🚨︎ report
To start a record collection...
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/midusyouch
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I had an argument because I spent Β£1000 on a record collection.

It’s my decision and it’s vinyl.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/feedmesteak
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Feeling a little low, I decided to peruse the local record shop for a new addition to my music collection.

Drifting down the alphabetised rock section, nothing really appealed to me from A-M. Disappointed, I moved around to the other side of the rack when suddenly I felt uplifted, content and at one with the universe. I had reached Nirvana.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Yetanotherrob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2019
🚨︎ report
I was renovating my place, and I threw my record collection on the floor & the side of my house

I got vinyl flooring & vinyl siding

also on r/jokes

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mr-gem-524
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2017
🚨︎ report
I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Got my mom the other night

So I live with my parents (or did when this took place) and my mom was making meatloaf one night. I was in my room waiting for dinner to be done, when she yells out "bring the meatloaf here, I want to see what it looks like". So without missing a beat, I grabbed Bat Out of Hell from my record collection and take it to her in the living room. I hand it to her and she goes "oh. my. god." with a very visible eye roll. I think it was a success

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WhodinisGhost
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2018
🚨︎ report
Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Twins

At my brothers hockey game with my Uncle, father of 2, who we are describing the players to.

"Then those two! They are twins, they're 12 and 18" - me

"Holy crap! I though my daughters had a long labor. That must be a record!" - Uncle

Collective sigh from people who weren't even involved in the conversation. Success.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SeriousTiberius
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2014
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.