A bear walks into a bar and says, "Give me a rum..............and coke."

"Why the big pause?" asks the bartender. The bear shrugged, "I'm not sure, I was born with them"

πŸ‘︎ 224
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πŸ‘€︎ u/smarzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
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My first reddit for-rum sub mission
πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L_Kuips
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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How much rum does it take to make a pirate drunk?

A Galleon.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpbshsu
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2020
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β™« Rum raisin, how come you taste so good? β™«
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Asmor
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2019
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People only trust high ranking navy sailors. for instance there's Captain Morgan rum, Captain crunch cereal.... You never see seamen crunch!
πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisterblisterblob
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2019
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Never be indecisive about drinking rum with a pirate.

He’ll give you an β€˜R’ before your β€˜um’

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2019
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Have you heard of the workout where you drink rum and then do jogging?

It's called Ba-cardio

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2019
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Whiskey and rum so are no longer allowed on Uber rides

You can only Lyft your spirits.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/americangame
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Jay-Z is DMing a D&D campaign for his son.

Jay-Z's son is playing a fighter and is engaged in a grueling fight with a troll. The troll is clearly too high a difficulty for the fighter.

"Dad," Jay-Z's son exclaims in frustration. "The troll is destroying me!" Just at that moment, from behind a nearby hill appears an army of goblins led by what appears to be an intoxicated lich.

Jay-Z looks at his son and replies with a smirk, "If you're having troll problems, I feel bad for you, son. I've got 99 goblins and a lich on rum."

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JinTaisa
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy...

It's one part rum, three parts pum.

(A favorite of mine from Tim Seidell)

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metermind
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
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It would be a shame
πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nhagesaeter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2019
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DO NOT spell the word "part" backwards. It's a trap.
πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_asstronaut_
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
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What does a pirate order in a Vietnamese bar

Pho Hoe Hoe and a bottle of rum

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dathedrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
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What’s an alcoholic frog’s favorite game?

Hopscotch

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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I land jokes.

Where did the Caribbean joke end?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/blessedathiest
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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What did the pirate say after spilling his chocolate drink in a container of Bacardi?

Yoo-hoo hoo in a bottle of rum!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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Perfect dad joke from my mum

I just remembered this one from last Christmas.

We were all sitting down at the table, and my mum brought her famous Rum Balls. These are a popular Christmas treat here in Australia.

She brings them out, holds one up, and says:

"Let's get ready to rum ball"

Everyone froze and sighed.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Beacone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2014
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I was going to start a bourbon company,

but I heard it's whiskey buisness.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Darkorchids
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2018
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Where does a pirate get a beer?

A barrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blake4Bama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2019
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Jack Sparrow would be a great philosopher

His thoughts are very depp

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vvt2003
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2019
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What did the bodybuilder say when he ran out of protein?

No whey

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2018
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Alcoholism

It rums in the family

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorPengu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2019
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I picked up a soda can, turned to my wife and asked, β€œIs this a real Sprite?”

Or is it just Fanta sea?
Coke in a spiced rum,
No Pepsi nor Snapple tea.
Open you Barq’s, drink up your Slice, then pee!

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/testmonkeyalpha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2018
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The liquor store has a baseball team

They're not the best, but they'll definitely give you a rum for your money

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geropy86
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2019
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What would a Muslim pirate say when he finishes an alcoholic drink after an Islam holiday?

Yarrr my rum-a-done!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KMDK2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Why didn’t anybody tell the wine their secrets?

Because he always spread rum-ours.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2019
🚨︎ report
[REQUEST] Username Pun

Hi guys, I need to change my username online (mostly used in games) as it's not really something unique ( came from a book I read when I was younger ).

I'm trying to find something quite funny, with plays on words for example. But english isn't my native language and I find it quite hard ! So I'm asking you guys to help me :) You're the best for that imho !

If you could help me find something mixing music (percussions/drums), sciences (my field of study, physics to be more precise), beer and animals maybe (?) (because I like that !)

I think this is possible to find something using some science-specific noun and something else. But I can't seem to find one that suits me :(

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PRD-dat
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2016
🚨︎ report
did you hear about the glitch in the pirate program?

eyepatched it

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Ghast_Hunter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2015
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What's the Lone Ranger's favorite flavor of candy?

butter rum butter rum butter rum rum rum

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GGCrono
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
🚨︎ report
What happened when Pirate Captain Bluebeard fell into the Red Sea?

He got marooned!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2017
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I've just heard that the Japanese have made ice cream that tastes like instant noodles...

They're calling it ramen raisin.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquiIae
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2015
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Bear Walks into a Bar

A bear walks Into a bar, summons the bartender and says, 'I'll have a rum and ... ... ... Coke'. Bartender says,'why the long pause?' Bear replies, 'These?! (Looking at his paws), I've had these since birth!'

I'm here all week...

πŸ‘︎ 277
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2013
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What's a pirates motorcycle sound like?

Ruuuuuum rum rum ruuuuuuuuuuuum

I know it's not very good but I made it up sitting in traffic the other day

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2016
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Dad dropped this one on me today

So a blonde walks into a library, and walks up to the librarian and asks, "Can I have a rum and coke please?".

The librarian responded saying "Ma'am this is a library!"

The blonde responded "oh I'm sorry..." And in a whisper asked "Can I have a rum and coke please".

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fluffwalrus
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2013
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Pirates attacked a Roman ship,

they were looking for aurum or rum.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Frond_Dishlock
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2017
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A couple is trying to decide what kind of mixed drink to make.

The husband suggests a type of juice and coconut rum. "Do you think that would be good?" she asked. "I do", he replied. "It's worth a shot!", she concluded.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/davbrowdid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2016
🚨︎ report
Couldn't pass up a dadjoke opportunity at my own birthday dinner

Out for dinner at a nice restaurant with wife and two teenage kids, we all order dessert, wife got blueberry creme brulee, I got baked alaska with rum flambe. Waitstaff knew it was my birthday so they put a candle on my baked alaska. Problem was, the rum flambe melted the candle. It was pretty funny, so wife took pics with her iPhone. As she was reviewing her pics, she dropped her phone in her creme brulee. I said, "I thought you ordered blueberry creme brulee, not Apple creme brulee..."

That was when I got the best birthday present: three hearty groans from the whole family.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2016
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I was a bartender for a night . . .

I said to my 13 year old. He's at that age when he is starting to think he knows everything because he knows why salt makes ice melt.

He knows I'm a teetotaler.

"What do you know about making drinks?" he says sneeringly.

"I know how to make some drinks."

"Like what?"

"I know how to make rum and coke. I know how to make gin and tonic. I know how to make Shirley Temples."

There is a snort there.

"I know how to make vodka cranberries. I know how to make margaritas. I know how to make red wine."

He finishes the fries he is eating at the counter island in the kitchen and starts to head out of the room.

"Do you know how to make a red wine?" I call after him.

He turns around and looks at me, still chewing.

"How"

"Tell them about 1991."

"What?"

"That is when the Soviet Union fell, all the reds were whining."

True story.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ May 05 2016
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My husband dadjoked his college class.

He teaches a class where students were doing book reports. One had done one on Stephen King's Doctor Sleep, the sequel to The Shining. The student mentioned that the main character, Danny Torrence is now an alcoholic, and from the back of the room husband goes, "Does he drink red rum?"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaberkaty
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2016
🚨︎ report
Got the husband for a double...

A couple of weeks ago, we were at home with my husband, having a few drinks at the end of the week and just relaxing. I had a glass of Dr. Pepper in front of me that I mixed with some rum. He came up and asked me if I wanted to grab "something stronger," assuming it was straight Pepper in the glass. I declined, saying that it's already mixed.

Him: "Didn't realize it was already doctored."

Me: "Yup, a doctored Doctor. Gimme the news."

I'll just show myself out. You're welcome for the earworm.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArcherofArchet
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2015
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A bear walks into a bar

He orders a large coke......... and a rum. The Bartender says, β€œhey, why the big pause”. The bear says β€œI don’t know, I was born with them”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Trexinator1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
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A skeleton walks into a bar...

And orders rum and a mop.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LostOsk
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
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A polar bear walks into a bar...

And says "Can I have a rum... ... ...and a coke?" The bartender replies "Why the big paws?"

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lotrtrilogy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
🚨︎ report

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