So there's a wood pecker in my backyard...

Me: "Hey, it's Vladimir the wood pecker!" Group of friends: "Why Vladimir?"

"Because he won't stop putin' his beak in other bird's trees."

Collective groan achieved.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2015
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Ol’ Mr. Woodpecker

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AgedMurcury78
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2021
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their pecker's on their face.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mlenotyou
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Why don't chickens wear underwear?

Because their peckers are on their faces.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/noapostrophe555
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Why don't birds wear pants?

Because their pecker is on their head

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timeforchange32
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
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Why doesn’t a chicken wear pants?

Its pecker is on his face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hungry-fangirl
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
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Did you hear about the rooster that kept biting everything?

He was a real pecker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Why don’t chickens pee?

Because they eat with their peckers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lvrcerosis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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Raising chickens at home, just asked my Dad "how do I tell if a baby chick is male or female?"

Dad: "look for the pecker"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pillowblood
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2020
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How can you tell if a bird is male?

By looking at it’s pecker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/paleo_primate
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I got a callback about being in a head banging music video. The caller said

Would pecker be available?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jspittman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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Why do birds poop and pee out of the same hole?

Why do birds poop and pee out of the same hole?

Because they eat with their pecker!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/coughdrop1989
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

He couldn't go bawk

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2019
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Why don't chickens wear pants?

Their peckers on their face

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πŸ‘€︎ u/theBfrye
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2018
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the beech said.

"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The woodpecker said, "Neither."

"Neither!?"

"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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A bird flew in my bathroom window...

We saw eachothers peckers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeyStealth
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2016
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WhereΒ΄s the Wizard of Oz?

So, there's this yellow toad wandering around in the forest kinda pissed off because he doesn't want to be yellow. Life would be easier if he were brown like the other toads.... He'd sure be less visible to predators for one thing. Anyway.... This yellow toad bumps into a fairy godmother. "Fairy godmother, please make me brown like the other toads" he begs her. "I'm hacked off being so visible to predators. The stress is like, killing me, you know?" "Okay" says the fairy godmother, who whips out her magic wand and goes: "Abracapokus! You're brown!" The toad looks down and sees that he is brown! Except..... for his weenie, which was still yellow. "Hang about lady," he says to the fairy godmother, "My pecker's still yellow!" "Yeah, well I don't do weenies," she says, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." So the toad thanks her and hops off on his way. There is also a purple bear wandering about the very same woods. As luck would have it, he encounters the very same fairy godmother (yes, okay, it's a coincidence, but it's true). "Fairy Godmother! You're just the person I need!" says the purple bear, "I can't pull any bearesses cos they don't want to be seen with a purple bear on account of the hunters. They can spot me from a mile off." Being a fairly nice fairy godmother, she takes out her magic wand. "Oh for goodness sake, what is the matter with you lot round here" she says and with that, she yells: "Pokuscadabra! You're brown!" The bear looks down and sees that he is, in fact, brown. Except for his goolies, which remain purple.. "Hold up sweetheart!" he says to the fairy Godmother, "My goolies are still purple!" "Yeah, well I don't do those goolie things," she replies, "You'll have to go see the Wizard of Oz for that." "Well that's just dandy, innit?" the bear replies, "How the hell do I find the Wizard of Oz?" "Easy," says the fairy godmother as she flew off saying......... "Just follow the yellow-prick toad !!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/janeybabygoboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2016
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A favorite of my freind's Dad

Why don't chickens pee?

Because they eat with their pecker!!!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2016
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Dad just dropped this bomb at family dinner

Dad: What are two things a bird can do that you can't?

My brother: What?

Dad: Stand on a wire and whistle through your pecker.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jenybluth
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2014
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Why don't chickens wear pants??

Because their pecker is on their face!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/huskyboy2015
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2017
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Why don't birds wear pants?

Cause their pecker's on their head.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MandatorySuicide
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2017
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