Is his life not in Jeopardy any more?
Hear about the cannibal that passed his brother in the woods?
But recently I’ve been bringing in model airplanes so I can make the hourglasses passengers and watch time fly.
"WOW, people are DYING to get into that place!"
Nod a whole lot
Easily my favorite day of the year.
You gottta know when to hold 'em.
My dad asks "They have lots of what for sale?" with a shit-eating grin.
Waste of time turns out hes got two left feet.
but when I lose one of my three kids, everyone freaks out like I did something horrible. 😒
Whe asked about why, he said it seemed like the right occasion for sharing old memories.
Maybe it’s time to pull off and fill up the tank.
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
He looks at me and says "Because they aren't dead yet".
...when he asked me where I kept all my dad jokes, I told him that they were stored in my dadabase.…
Don't look, I'm changing.
http://i.imgur.com/3jYfmdE.jpg
Apparently bakers can't be choosers.
I was describing to my family a weed I'd found in the garden, which had a "strong herbal smell." My daughter (3), who loves to joke about words, grinned and said, "Turtle smell?"
My mother, to engage with her, said, "How does a turtle smell?"
My father and I answered in perfect unison: "With its nose!"
It felt like a significant moment in my growth as a dad.
Dad: You know, that funeral home is already pretty popular. People are just dying to get in there.
Real life dad joke y'all. You're welcome.
May he rest in peace-a peace-a.
Me and my father were driving down a street and he pointed out an obvious rip-off of Five Guys. It was a hamburger restaurant called Two Guys. I was a little peaved at them.
Dad: They're not even half the resturaunt Five Guys is.
It took me a minute.
... his grave is 3 down and 7 across!
Him: A train just came through there, you know how I could tell?
Me: How?
Him: I could see its tracks.
Sitting passed out in his chair in the nursing home, dying from Alzheimer's disease, my father the Lutheran pastor farts as loud as can be and looks up tiredly and says.. "What'd that asshole say?"
"Did you know that no one living on this street is allowed to be buried here?"
"Hm, no.. why not?"
"It's illegal to bury the living, honey."
Dad: You see that building? It's 6 stories.
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Well, it used to be 7... but that's another story
-______-
He pointed across to it and asked me this:
Dad: How many dead people do you think are out there?
Me ..? 125?
Dad: All of 'em I hope.
Everything is so "lit" these days
My dad glances over and says "Be respectful, we're passing by a holey place."
When I would figure something out, or when I would show him that I made a good grade on a something..
"You're so bright. That's why I call you son."
They called it "doors".
GF: "Minnie's buried there."
me: "Minnie who?"
GF: "Minnie people."
My son in the back seat says; "Dad Waze shows the speed limit is 65mph but we are we are going faster than that. Are you breaking the law by speeding? I had to slow down to let my wife take this picture because I replied "It's all going to be ok, Nationwide is by our side!"
I bought a bottle of whiskey for our pastor and when my son saw it he said, "straight rye whiskey ... the true spirit of Christmas."
He's going to make a great dad someday.
D: "What app do ghosts use to get directions?"
Me: "What?"
D: "Boo-ghoul maps"
The guy was just coming out of the garage (which has three doors) And says, "No it's a three door".
Hey look, those two strangers met by accident.
My dad: oh that stores called Joes Busy Corner My dad: they must sell "busy"
People are dying to get in there.
"Look , people are dying to get in."
