My proudest dad joke

This actually happened a couple years ago, but I've decided to finally come out if lurking to share it here.

I was on a trip with some friends and we had stopped for lunch. We weren't very busy so my buddy and I shared a plate of wings and a couple pitchers of beer. When it came to pay, the bill was $20.01 (I don't remember how much it actually was, but it was an odd number) and we just split the bill down the middle. When we got our checks, his had the extra penny. We joked about him paying so much more, and so I said I would add an extra penny to my tip, plus one more penny to one up him.

Afterwards when we were walking out my buddy turned to me and said "do you think she'll she even notice?" I said "I like to think that she will notice and maybe chuckle at it. Besides pennies can add up and make a difference, but that's just my 2 cents"

I am not a dad yet. But I definitely feel the fatherly humor running through my veins.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kjc2022
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I once met Meatloaf when I was working as a car salesman.

He came in looking for a small coupe for his wife’s forthcoming birthday. He found one he liked and we completed a test drive together. The car was listed at Β£28,000 plus tax. He was deep in thought looking around the car but unfortunately for me he decided not to buy it. I was in my 20s, had a young family and working a commission only job so a couple of days later I rang him to see if anything could be done. He was keen on the car but didn’t like the Β£28,000 plus tax price tag. I assured him that this was a great price for the car, however he said that it wasn’t so much the price of the car, it was more the tax. He said, β€˜I’d do anything for love, but I won’t do VAT’

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CromulentDucky
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
🚨︎ report
124 dad jokes that will make you laugh and cringe

Dad, did you get a haircut? No I got them all cut.

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car? Carlos.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don’t think they’ll fit me.

Can I watch the TV? Dad: Yes, but don’t turn it on.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

You know, people say they pick their nose, but I feel like I was just born with mine.

β€œEvery time I hurt myself, even to this day, my dad says, β€˜The good news is..it’ll feel better when it quits hurting.'”

What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food, no atmosphere.

β€œI’ll call you later!”- β€œPlease don’t do that. I’ve always asked you to call me Dad!”

Q: Why did the cookie cry? A: Because his father was a wafer so long!

What did the mountain climber name his son? Cliff.

This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there.

β€œMy dad literally told me this one last week: β€˜Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint.’”

β€œWhenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, β€˜No, just leave it in the carton!’”

I got so angry the other day when I couldn’t find my stress ball.

If I had a dime for every book I’ve ever read, I’d say: β€œWow, that’s coincidental.”

I’m not indecisive. Unless you want me to be.

How many apples grow on a tree? All of them.

How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together.

β€œMe: β€˜Dad, make me a sandwich!’ Dad: β€˜Poof, You’re a sandwich!’”

β€œI heard there was a new store called Moderation. They have everything there

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

β€œHow can you tell if a ant is a boy or a girl? They’re all girls, otherwise they’d be uncles.”

Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it

β€œWhat’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1”

The only thing worse than having diarrhea is having to spell it.

I asked my friend to help me with a math problem. He said: β€œDon’t worry; this is a piece of cake.” I said: β€œNo, it’s a math problem.”

I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.

I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head.

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 40
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/weeb123xD
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm disappointed in the the overuse of Dad jokes in today's society

We're a fairly advanced society, we need jokes with content that makes us think. All these easy laughs are making us dumber by the second, and we just keep rewarding them with upvotes that convince the lazy among us to keep churning out lazy jokes. Comedy is one of the only common traits things in every society and culture on this planet and we may not always agree with what is funny, it's very subjective, but no society or culture has no comedy. It's one of the most effective unifiers in all human existence. Of course it's just my two cents, but we really need to avoid cheapening it. There are 6500 spoken languages in the world and this is the most widely spoken, the least spoken languages of course being sign language. Someone once said "a world without laughter would be like a world without warmth, a dark hole in the ground filled with cold water." I know they mean well, but I think it's worse than that. There are three unwritten rules for how comedy should function in the world. We have to learn to follow them or we're doomed as a people, forever, however just like there are two butts in the word "assassin", there are two caveats to this dire situation with lessons learned from the best there is. One is the lesson we can take from Switzerland, I'm not entirely sure what makes them so good at integrating comedy into their lives, but their flag is a huge plus. The other is the lesson we can learn from farmers who know how to put what's important first, how to put in the effort into growing something, and they are always outstanding in their field. We get too caught up in standard modalities of thinking and none of us are totally all right, in fact most of us are at least close to half left. In closing, the absence of comedy when you really think about it, is fear. Fear of the ups and downs of life, much like a fear of elevators. And just like a fear of elevators, we all must take steps to avoid it. Thank you for your time.

Disappointed

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mnemonikos82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I bought the OnePlus 6T today.

I would've got the OnePlus 59, but hey, I like nice round numbers.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/platinum_planet
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2018
🚨︎ report
Got any math pun about drugs ....

I would think of one but things just aren't adding up in my head.

Okay there is my terrible attempt , but having a small contest at my office involving being drug free. We are a math department so math involved in the pun would be a huge plus. (See what I did there), thanks guys any suggestions would be a great addition to mine .

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MeowMeow806
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my professor with a chemistry joke!

"NamelessNamek! What's the charge of a hydrogen without an electron."

"It has a plus one charge."

"Are you sure?"

"I'm positive."

He chuckled and nobody else did.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NamelessNamek
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2016
🚨︎ report
My DnD party mate will make a fine dad one day

So I'm in this DnD party. There are six of us including the DM. Chris is the DM, and the other major player here is Shawn: what you need to know about him is that his character has three arms, plus a bionic one.

Chris: after Shawn has been attacked by a flying enemy and thrown off a pier So you're now in the water. What are you going to do?

Shawn: Does this affect my bionic arm?

Chris: No, you waterproofed it last session, remember?

Shawn: Oh, right. That's handy.

All: groan

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2014
🚨︎ report
A few new stickers from my GF...

Since you liked her stickers so much the first time, here are 3 new ones plus a picture she drew for me yesterday. She's a treasure.

I added captions of what's written since some said that the couldn't read her writing the 1st time.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SLOBaron
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2017
🚨︎ report
Coworker was talking about a keyboard with an extra backspace button...

I said, "sounds like a key feature to me!"

First post to this sub because I always forget to post, plus this one was genuinely not intended!

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IBlameTheMormons
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
🚨︎ report
I asked my wife to name all the reindeer...

She named the normal 8 plus Rudolf and was confused when I said she missed one.

I finally told her about Olive, the other Reindeer. The one that used to laugh and call him (Rudolf) names.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/blackdragon8577
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2016
🚨︎ report
She looked at her steak and said it was undercooked...

NYE dinner - me, gf, and four teenaged girls. (Gf 2 kids, plus 2 friends). We're eating a fondue dinner and one of the friends notices that she had undercooked her steak.

Me: That reminds me of my cousin. She was a psychic.

Girl: Huh?

Me: I didn't see her much, but we had dinner once.

Girl: Huh?

Me: She ordered her steak well-done.

Girl: (just looks at me)

Me: ...Which is rare for a medium.

Girl: (pauses). OMG....

(Eye-rolling)

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DestinysParent
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Hey Raymond, are you bringing a plus one to the company party?

Just the wife, but she's more of a ten.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Capt-Redbeard
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
My father on modern art

My parents visited me last weekend. Short on ideas, we decided to hit up a widely-respected art museum. They had some new exhibitions, some of which were a little outside our personal tastes and expectations.

We walked into a photography exhibit and saw, along one wall, a sheet of green. This sheet of green was a little higher and taller than the average door, and stretched all the way down that bit of wall plus a few feet onto the floor.

"Oh," I said, "a green screen. That's kind of a neat little thing to have here. Sort of an homage to that style of film, I guess?"

Little did I know. In hindsight, I don't know why I expected anything different.

My father and I approached the plaque beside it. There we learned the truth: This was not a green screen. No. No, this was a specially printed photograph.

A photograph... of a green screen.

There we stood, astonished at the audacity of the thing before us. "My God," I said aloud, "This, right here, this is something else. This is just plain genius. Can you imagine getting money for something like this? Why didn't we come up with this? This is gold!"

To which my dad simply responded, "No, son...

... it's green."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Habefiet
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Two dad jokes in 10 seconds

My wife is reading a list of potential migraine triggers to me (we're trying to figure out what my triggers are; I'm a recent sufferer).

She asks me if I've ever taken an MAOI since, "They discovered that people who took them in the 50's have issues with tyramines [a known migraine trigger]."

I told her, "No, I've never taken one." She asks, "Are you sure?"

I say, "I'm sure, plus I wasn't alive in the 50's." rimshot

I look at my 11 y/o daughter and say, "Dad joke?"

She asks, "Did you say Dad joke or bad joke?"

I respond, "Isn't that the same thing?"

It's good to be king.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2014
🚨︎ report
So our family is discussing moving to Switzerland to follow my Dad's work.....

We are all quiet, contemplating the pros and cons of the move and then dad speaks up:
You know one of the advantages of moving to Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.
Cue the instant groans...... Oh dad, we love you

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FyreNinja
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2015
🚨︎ report
What’s so good about Switzerland?

Well for one thing, their Flag’s a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2018
🚨︎ report
"I want to retire to Switzerland"

"They're so optimistic, even their flag is a big plus" Good one, Dad.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zombiejesus1991
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.