I'm blaming it on his dad because apparently he has a bad paw
Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.
Meets here last Wednesday night at 7:30
The steaks were getting pretty high
That there are a lot of towns named after their water towers?
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
"It'll be grated on a curve."
I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately. How can I tell? When I see that the Tide is High.
Don’t know if this counts as a dad joke.
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
Does it mean it’s pasture bedtime?
so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
the Supreme Court has been more Ruthless than normal?
That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?
.
There are more geese in that line
It’s okay now all it needed was a repost
“What are you doing, dad?”
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
“Not much, just feeling board.”
Nice touch.
that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
Back in medieval times people used to be named Lancelot.
...and then the coffin stopped.
I felt a little out of the loop on that one
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
He has thyroid rage.
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
Jesus swept.
It means a lot to them.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.
He took notes
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.
Now give me my 7 upvotes
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
He handed in his too weak notice yesterday.
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.
It is that thyme of year, I suppose.
He asks the bartender about it and the bartender says that if someone can jump up and touch one of the pieces of meat on their first try then they will get free drinks there for life. However, if they try and can’t do it, they have to buy everyone’s drinks for the rest of the night. The bartender asks the guy if he’s willing to try it and the guy says “no, the steaks are too high”.
They were the lamb-ulance
Have you ever noticed that you never see the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost together at the same time? Oh, sure, everybody talks like they aren't the same person, but I wonder...
It was completely desserted.
does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
I had one of them tested, and it was positive. Hope it's not terminal.
