I finally got the Covid vaccine yesterday and as I was driving I noticed my vision was blurry. I called the vaccination center and asked if I should go to the doctor or hospital. They said no.
But they encouraged me to immediately return to the vaccination center to pick up my glasses.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I bought an imitation diamond engagement ring to propose to my Irish girlfriend on St Patrick's day. I just hope she doesn't notice..
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︎ Mar 16 2021
You guys ever notice how there's no vampires in Africa?
Well, from what I know about Vampires, Holy Water can kill them, and from what I've heard they bless the rains down in Africa.
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︎ Mar 04 2021
My wife's eyes are so much more noticeable these days.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Please donβt resort to violins and anger if you donβt notice.
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︎ Dec 06 2020
You notice how you donβt ever see rich owls?
They all work for an owly wage
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︎ Mar 04 2021
I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked βDid you condition her?β
So I said βyeah, I rang a bell and then fed herβ
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︎ Mar 14 2021
I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.
I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.
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︎ Feb 26 2021
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
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︎ Feb 26 2021
When I was in charge of editing an action movie, I noticed an unnecessary scene that was only slowing down the plot.
So I decided to just cut to the chase.
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︎ Mar 13 2021
Notice me
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︎ Feb 18 2021
A farmer noticed some cows smoking weed and playing cards
The steaks were getting pretty high
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︎ Jan 29 2021
Have you ever noticed....
That there are a lot of towns named after their water towers?
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︎ Jan 19 2021
True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"
I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."
Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.
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︎ Sep 28 2020
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patientβs record...
The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patientβs record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.
Fearing for the monkeyβs health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.
They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldnβt possibly be right.
After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.
So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.
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︎ Jan 10 2021
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.
She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that heβs cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. Sheβs puzzled for a second and then says:
Icy, what you did there.
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︎ Nov 20 2020
It really doesnt rhyme.
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︎ Feb 09 2021
Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...
"It'll be grated on a curve."
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︎ Dec 14 2020
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?
Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.
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︎ Jun 01 2020
Iβve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately.
Iβve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately. How can I tell? When I see that the Tide is High.
Donβt know if this counts as a dad joke.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
Went to the pet store and ordered a dozen bees. I noticed that the clerk gave me 13...
so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."
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︎ Oct 09 2020
If you notice cows sleeping in a field...
Does it mean itβs pasture bedtime?
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Anyone else notice
the Supreme Court has been more Ruthless than normal?
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︎ Oct 25 2020
Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"
The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."
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︎ Nov 02 2020
Have you ever noticed
That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?
.
There are more geese in that line
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︎ Nov 02 2020
I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.
βWhat are you doing, dad?β
I sigh a long, heavy sigh.
βNot much, just feeling board.β
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
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︎ Sep 03 2020
Have you ever noticed
that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?
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︎ Sep 14 2020
I noticed the other day that my fence was leaning something fierce
Itβs okay now all it needed was a repost
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︎ Nov 03 2020
Ever notice how there arenβt many people named Lance these days?
Back in medieval times people used to be named Lancelot.
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︎ Oct 10 2020
Saw 3 Mexicans in my backyard the other day.
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︎ Mar 10 2021
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...
...and then the coffin stopped.
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︎ Sep 15 2020
My wife changed our cereal from Cheerios to Frosties, and I only noticed this morning
I felt a little out of the loop on that one
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︎ Sep 04 2020
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.
It was ....the worst case scenario.
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︎ Mar 28 2020
I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.
I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says itβs terminal.
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︎ Apr 19 2020
I've noticed that my son gets angry whenever he's having a growth spurt.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
I've noticed I have been saying "mucho" more when speaking with my Hispanic friends...
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︎ Aug 08 2020
What did our lord and savior do when He noticed the temple floor was dirty?
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︎ Oct 03 2020
Notice the hand gesture [OC]
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︎ Aug 21 2020
My wifeβs mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didnβt even know she sold flowers
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︎ Nov 25 2020
How did a musician steal from a bank without being noticed?
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
Edit: Thank you for the awards.
I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!
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︎ Jan 16 2021
I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why
I told her this way, she wonβt have any grounds for divorce.
Now give me my 7 upvotes
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︎ May 03 2020
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...
... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...
Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!
OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"
A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...
Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?
He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.
Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.
Finally, he could take it no longer...
"Bethany..." he said
"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".
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︎ Aug 03 2020
A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.
MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"
GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."
MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"
GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"
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︎ Sep 05 2020
While driving down in a part of town we don't usually visit, my 12yo son noticed and mentioned a barber shop named Roman Palace.
I told him they only do Caesar cuts.
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︎ Sep 16 2020
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...
..it's a brand-new Rolex."
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︎ Jul 29 2020
If you notice cows sleeping in a field
does that mean it's pasture bedtime?
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︎ Nov 09 2020
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