Nobody's Home Puns

So I came over, and nobody was home.

I went over,there was nobody home!

I thought, 'It has to be someone's.'

Does Heaven turn out the lights and pretends nobody's home ?

If nobody's home, he just leaves a brochure on the kitchen table

Hello everyone. Today, a 72-year-old man named Mike came into my office. Mike blessed me with many gifts, a sampling of which I would like to share with you all here.

First, Mike asked how I was. I said "good, how are you?" Mike: I had a dream last night I was a muffler. And when I woke up it scared me because I was exhausted.

Mike also has an ex wife. "My Ex wife was so ugly her mom made her go trick or treating by telephone so she didn’t scare the other children."

Not just one ex wife, Mike has two ex wives. "My ex wife was so ugly I used to take her to work with me so I didn’t have to kiss her goodbye"

Mike does a lot of work for various charities. "I asked the lady at a restaurant if I could post my flyer for an event in the window. She said 'that depends, are you a non-profit?' I said 'lady I've got two ex wives, I haven't had profit in 30 years!'"

Those darn ex wives. "I’m so poor a pick pocket tried to rob me the other day and all he got was practice."

Mike actually came to my office to tell me about a basketball camp he's putting on next week. He's been playing basketball for 64 years. "I was a great athlete in high school. I was voted most valuable player by all the cheerleaders."

There was one girl though who got away. "There was a girl who lived down the street and I used to call her all the time and say 'Sarah, can I come over?' and she'd say no. So one day she called & said “Mike, come over, nobody's home.” So I went to her house and she was right, there wasn’t anybody there."

That girl may be why he didn't play baseball. "I played football, basketball and track. Someone asked me 'Mike, why didn't you play baseball?' I said 'because I was already so good at striking out!'"

Anyways, Mike went on to have a lengthy career in TV and radio, until he didn't. "I had to quit my job for medical reasons. My boss said I made her sick."

Thank you for your time.

He comes home from the doc and we all have heard by this point but nobody says anything. He asks my bros and I to meet him in the back room. With a sigh he says "I think we need to address the elephant in the room." He then pulled out a small glass elephant from his pocket and said "okay, here it is."

After picking up my son from his friends I see that he came home with two new stuffed animals. I asked him how it happened and what the names of the new animals where.

"He wanted to trade for two of mine and he has these two whales I wanted."

"Do they have a name ?" I asked." And did anyone get hurt?"

" Nobody got hurt and they each have a tag on them and they just say Stuffing the Whale so I guess that is their name." He says as he makes whale noises from the back of the car.

"That seems like a great time. You got two whale the stuffing from your friend and nobody got hurt."

One of the workers said, "She's inside with Miss Dinah would you like me to..." I cut her off and replied casually, "They must be in the kitchen, I know-o-o-o."

Nobody laughed but me the entire way home.

At a wedding reception where the chocolates on the table were in nice looking package.

• Dad: Don't throw that way; I'll take them home.
• Mom: Great another of one thousand useless items that'll be on a shelf.
• Dad: Aaaaw, Honey -- I'd never put you on the shelf.

While watching a baseball game:

• Mom: Are they "boo'ing?" Nobody "boos" anymore.
• Dad: Hey can I have a blow job?
• Mom: Shut up.
• Dad: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

In regards to meatloaf my mother made:

• Mom: Sorry the meatloaf isn't that good.
• Dad: It's Ok. But next time try adding some Alpo.

While eating at relatives' house:

• Mom: Wow. This is really good! We used to eat like this all the time growing up.
• Uncle: Really? Where I come from we just call it Hamburger Helper.

In regards to an inappropriately shaped child's toy:

• Me: Did you buy that at one of those special stores you guys got in San Francisco?
• Grandfather: What?! Of course not! God no - that's not mine!
• ...
• Grandfather: It's too small...

When my brother and I were screwing around instead of helping in the garage:

• Dad: You know, twice, twice! I thought I got it out quick enough but some must have dribbled back inside.

After listening to a 3 minute voice mail from my mother:

• Me: What did she want?
• Dad: You want the long or the short version?
• Me: Short.
• Dad: Nothing.
• Me: Ok long version.
• Dad: Nothing much.

My girlfriend was back home visiting her family during Christmas and our conversation goes as followed:

GF: I just shot a bow and arrow!

Me: What'd you shoot it at?

GF: A target!

Me: It's a good thing they are closed today so nobody got hurt..

I did the laundry unasked today, but I left my sister's socks and underwear for them to do (ain't nobody got time to match all their colorful socks.) When they came home, she asked me why I didn't do her underwear. I said, "Well, I would've done them wrong and then your panties would all be in a bunch."

Nobody was home...