When someone calls you a pain in the neck..

They really mean you’re a pain in the assophagus

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Roctuplets
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
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Neck pain
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breckendusk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
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I went in for a routine checkup, and they took way too much in the blood draw. I was dizzy, and it was a real pain in the neck...

I'm just not sure about this Dr. Acula.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mr_zensphere
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2018
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Why doesn’t Dracula have friends?

Because he’s a pain in the neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asguardia
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I just got a sore throat.

It's a real pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Harrymego
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2019
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One-line vampire jokes for Halloween

What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?

Lots of blood tests!

Why did Dracula’s mother give him cough medicine?

Because he was having a coffin fit.

Why did the vampire’s lunch give him heartburn?

It was a stake sandwich.

Dracula decided he needed a dog, which breed did he choose?

A bloodhound.

What is a vampire’s favorite holiday?

Fangsgiving.

What did the vampire say to the Invisible Man?

β€˜Long time, no see!’

Why is Dracula so unpopular?

Because he’s a pain in the neck!

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/one-line-vampire-jokes-for-halloween/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
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What’s it like to kiss a vampire?

A real pain in the neck!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mole555
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2019
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Did you hear about the French executioner who left his breakfast on the guillotine?

It was a pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BagelJaengi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2018
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I hate getting french bread stuck in my throat

It's a pain in the neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RadToTheBone86
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2017
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At my son's insistence that i post it... Have y'all heard about that really annoying vampire?

Apparently, they are a real pain in the neck.

Down vote

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hexyl68
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2016
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Cheat sheet for Dads on Halloween

What is a Vampire favorite fruit?

  • Neckterines

What kind of dogs do Vampires like best?

  • Blood hounds

How does a ghost cry?

  • Boo Hoo

What does a skeleton always say before he eats?

  • Bone Appetite

What kind of key should you always take to a haunted house?

  • Skeleton Key

Why do Vampires need mouthwash?

  • Because they have bat breath

What kinds of street do Zombies like?

  • Dead ends.

What do you get when you cross a vampire with a snowman?

  • Frost Bite

What did the black cat call the mouse on roller skates?

  • Meals on wheels

What does a vampire never at a restaurant?

  • A stake sandwich

What is it like to be kissed by a vampire?

  • It's a pain in the neck.

Why did the witch stand in front of the podium?

  • To give a Screech

What does a ghosts have for dessert?

  • I-Scream

What is a skeletons favorite instrument?

  • A trombone

What kind of dog does a mad scientist have?

  • A Lab

Be honest, how many did you get? What is your dad score?

EDIT: can't get spoiler tags to work...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gnolaum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2014
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Dad joke about beheading

So my boss and I are painting a large room and we tend to talk aimlessly about random stuff when working.

We start talking about what the best way to die would be and the topic comes up about beheading and the different methods throughout the ages.

Me: "Guillotine is kinda cool because your head gets sheared off and your still alive and they hold your head toward the cheering crowds and apparently you can still see them, and even move your eyes.

Him: what about by axe?

me: Beheading by Axe would be painful because not only do you not die right away, but sometimes it takes multiple swings to take your head off. It even gets stuck sometimes.

Him: So the Executioner would be having to pry the Axe back and forth like its stuck in a log?

Me: yeah.

Him: What a pain in the neck.

I heartily bellowed in laughter , guffawed even, and gave him props for it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eliottruelove
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2014
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Dads response to my sisters possible self diagnosis

Sister: I'm sick a lot, maybe I have an autoimmune disorder... Dad: do you break into rash every time you get in a car? Bonus joke: mom says her thyroid cancer is a pain in the neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zombiesnare
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2014
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2019
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/One_Day_Dead
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

Because he's a pain in the neck.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2019
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Why is no one friends with Dracula?

because he's a pain in the neck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyMuffin
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2014
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