"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."
Hum-ble Rap.
With a lil pump.
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Literally she can't even.
Me: mumbles I did not understand this chapter about electricity...
My friend: Watt?
Too much MUMbling
He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence
A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.
"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"
Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.
She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.
She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."
The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:
"Are - my - test - results - back?"
A Mumble-bee. I work in the Garden Center at a DIY store and this joke is the best I can come up with ATM lol.
We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:
"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."
She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.
"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."
A mumble bee.
"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"
In fact, he was downright pissed 24/7. He would storm around town kicking things in his path, yelling at people who got in his way, and mumble hateful things to himself. Whenever he would walk by, people would say to eachother "whelp, there goes Pissed-ol' Pete doing his thing again."
My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.
We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".
I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.
thmumbles escalated quickly.
Everytime I walk past them they mumble "What an ass"
I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.
"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.
Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"
Most groaned, a few clapped...
I hope i'm posting in the right place, I just felt I had to share this.
Just a couple of minutes ago i was reading something about an abdominal exercise that included the word "perpendicular". I asked my dad ,who was sitting at his computer, what it meant, and without missing a beat he spun around in his chair, looked me dead in the eye and began chanting
"in days of old
when knights where bold
and ladies weren't particular
they stood them up
against a wall
and fucked them perpendicular"
He rotated his chair back towards the computer and mumbled "means "upright".."
So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.
It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.
Angrily, my brother says,
"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."
Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,
"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."
Tested it on Monday and it worked great, so he spent Tuesday - Thursday sailing it around. On Saturday the bow ruptured and it sank. The man sighed, shook his head and mumbled "shoulda known".
What caused the sub to fail?
The weekend.
My sister took my dad on a field trip. He was reading a list of parent volunteers and saw another dad was called Mr. Pickle. So of course he says, 'Wow, he must be a really big pickle!' The kids just stared at him and Mr. Pickle was behind him, very tall and giving him a scary look. My dad mumbles, '-it's for the kids.' This is why my sister doesn't take our parents on field trips.
So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.
"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "
Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.
Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.
Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.
But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.
Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."
Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.
They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.
While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.
I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."
The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"
Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".
He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.
He usually mumbles something. But last night he said vividly: "That is the worst dad joke I've ever heard."
I think I need to stop telling dad jokes
My mother wanted us to get her bike out of the shed. It was hanging up behind two other bikes. As we went to move the other bikes back onto the hooks, Mom's bike fell over.
"Well, of course it's not gonna stay up," I mumbled.
"Of course not," said Dad. "It's two-tired."
I was talking with my dad when my little sister walks in from the garage mumbling something.
Dad: Don't interrupt people when they are having a conversation. (Turns to me) What were you talking about?
Me: I can't remember, I lost my train of thought.
Dad: What, did it get derailed?
She said, "Someone left their slippers and a watch just sitting over there."
I responded with, "I guess time just keeps on slippin...slippin...slippin..."
I could hear her eyes roll as I mumbled, "into the fuuuutuuuuure!"
I was mumbling to myself about what I was going to need for this job we were going to do while standing next to my co-worker.
> CW: "What!? Speak up Brother!"
> Me: "My bad, I was just thinking out loud"
> CW: "I wouldn't say loud, I could barely hear you"
> Me: "Yeah, I guess I was thinking out quiet"
Groans were had
We stopped for bathroom break during a car trip, and while we were taking wizz in the facilities (no one else there) dad suddenly goes "Does it still burn while you pee?" I mumbled something like "No...I mean no it never did". Almost got me there.
I was at my parents' house for dinner. My brother mumbled a fact about Antarctica randomly. My father responded, "What did you say about Antarctica? And does Uncle Arctica know? She'll be cold once she hears about this."
I was sitting in my philosophy class before it started and this girl walked in. She said she was looking for a left-handed desk since all the desks were adjusted to the right side. She finally gave up and sat next to me. I kind of mumbled to myself but loud enough for her to hear and said "It's the right supremacy." She looked over and gave a chuckle while rolling her eyes which was better than I expected.
"And he won?" I asked.
"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"
"Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."
"And he won?" I said.
"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the jerk."
