Child walks past the parents bedroom, peaks inside and mumbles....

"And you want to send me to a psychologist for sucking my thumb."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
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Don’t wanna be your mumble wrench 🀟🏻
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drift-would
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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Rap these days are called Mumble Rap. Kid Cudi's rap is called...

Hum-ble Rap.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rupanath97
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
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What's the mumble-rapper's favorite meal?

Skrrt steak

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M4RK3T_
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2018
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How do mumble rappers like there coffee?

With a lil pump.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/notthatcom
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2018
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
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I heard my teenager mumbling in her sleep. She kept repeating, "1,3,5,7,9"

Literally she can't even.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2018
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i created this dont judge.... πŸ™„

Me: mumbles I did not understand this chapter about electricity...
My friend: Watt?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Flaming_Cash
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
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Why is it so hard to understand mothers who use overly bright decorations?

Too much MUMbling

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
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When 6ix9ine gets out of jail,

He'll be the first mumble rapper to finish his sentence

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8YourOrgans
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other.

She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine."

The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly,

"Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely:

"Are - my - test - results - back?"

πŸ‘︎ 253
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RabbitHODL
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
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What kind of insect is hard to understand?

A Mumble-bee. I work in the Garden Center at a DIY store and this joke is the best I can come up with ATM lol.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bearinthegarden14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2018
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Leather armor is perfect for sneaking because it's literally made of hide.
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gatsbyyy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2015
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Wife dropped this one on our honeymoon.

We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:

"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."

She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cander79
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2016
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon...

"Well…" he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no…" he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
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One, two, three four hmmh

Mumble Number 5.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vinnl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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What's a silent bee ?

A mumblebee

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2018
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What do you call a bee with a low buzz?

A mumble bee.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheThurmanator
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2019
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A horse trotted into a bar.

"I must have forgotten that Trump set the bar so low" he mumbled as he picked himself up and staggered into the bar and grill next to it. Upon seeing him, the bartender said, "hey!" The horse said, "neigh... but I'll take one for the road." The asphalt in the corner said, "thanks horse. Why the big pause?" The horse replied, "oh this is my friend the bear. He was born with big pas." "Yeah," said the bear. "I was adopted by two grizzly fathers. Turns out they weren't koala-fied to give birth to me." "Ugh," said the chicken after seeing how late it is. "I'm late to get to the other side of the road. See ya all later!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2019
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There was an old man named Pete in town who was always angry.

In fact, he was downright pissed 24/7. He would storm around town kicking things in his path, yelling at people who got in his way, and mumble hateful things to himself. Whenever he would walk by, people would say to eachother "whelp, there goes Pissed-ol' Pete doing his thing again."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattGibsonBass
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Still in the shadow of the master dad.

My parents are in town for a visit. Keep in mind that I have a 3 year old, so the dad jokes have doubled around here lately.

We go eat and I'm sharing a big burger with my wife. It has a fried egg on it, which I don't like, so I gave her the half with the yolk in it. She bit into it and the yolk broke and dribbled all over her hand. Before I could say anything, my dad mumbles, "Looks like the yolk's on you".

I said, " NOOOOOOOOO you beat me to it!" as my wife and my mom rolled their eyes and groaned. I'm pretty good at the dad jokes, but my dad has the grandfather buff or something.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ArtaxNOOOOOO
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2016
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My wife yelled at the kids for running up the stairs

thmumbles escalated quickly.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/onejdc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2019
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I think all my co workers are gay..

Everytime I walk past them they mumble "What an ass"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValarDohairis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2017
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Dad joked my distracted student

I was giving notes in the directions for an upcoming assignments when a student mumbled something to another student. Thinking it might be a question, I asked what was said.

"I was talking about my sneakers." He admitted.

Annoyed at the off topic interruption, I quipped, "Oh, are they A-D-Didas?"

Most groaned, a few clapped...

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2015
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My dad has an interesting way of explaining things

I hope i'm posting in the right place, I just felt I had to share this.

Just a couple of minutes ago i was reading something about an abdominal exercise that included the word "perpendicular". I asked my dad ,who was sitting at his computer, what it meant, and without missing a beat he spun around in his chair, looked me dead in the eye and began chanting

"in days of old

when knights where bold

and ladies weren't particular

they stood them up

against a wall

and fucked them perpendicular"

He rotated his chair back towards the computer and mumbled "means "upright".."

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoftBoiled
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
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Dad for the win last night.

So my family and I are all gathering around the TV watching the Notre Dame & North Carolina basketball game last night, when out of nowhere my dog starts dry humping the air.

It's absolutely hilarious when he does it, and it all never fails to make everyone laugh hysterically. Take in mind that my dog is neutered so he's super horny but, obviously doesn't really no what he's doing since his baby makers were chopped off. Anyways, my brothers trying to get him to come to him and he's just sitting there looking at him with this his devious little dog face.

Angrily, my brother says,

"He's probably so disobedient because you guys had to go and cut off his balls."

Everyone nodded their heads agreeably, except my dad who mumbles,

"Yeah Matt, that must explain why he never comes."

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Huv
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2016
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A man built a submarine.

Tested it on Monday and it worked great, so he spent Tuesday - Thursday sailing it around. On Saturday the bow ruptured and it sank. The man sighed, shook his head and mumbled "shoulda known".

What caused the sub to fail?

The weekend.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thewilltosucceed
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2017
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Last field trip my dad went on!

My sister took my dad on a field trip. He was reading a list of parent volunteers and saw another dad was called Mr. Pickle. So of course he says, 'Wow, he must be a really big pickle!' The kids just stared at him and Mr. Pickle was behind him, very tall and giving him a scary look. My dad mumbles, '-it's for the kids.' This is why my sister doesn't take our parents on field trips.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JamJamKyogre
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2014
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A man goes to buy a horse (long)

So he finds the man who owns the horse. The owner takes him to the stable. The buyer asks to take the horse for a test ride.

 

"Okay," says the owner. "But I'm a retired church pastor. The horse will only go forward if you say, 'Praise the lord.' He will only stop moving if you say 'Hallelujah.' "

 

Feeling annoyed, the buyer says "That's fine," and he gets up on the horse. After the seller returns to the house, the buyer, mounted on the horse, whips the reins and says, "Hiyah!!" The horse doesn't move. "Yah," he said, spurring the horse. Still no movement. Feeling a little embarrassed and stupid, he complied to the owner's instruction. "Praise the Lord," he mumbled, and the horse began quickly trotting away from the stable.

 

Wow, the buyer thought, excited. I wonder how fast this horse can go. "Praise the Lord," he said, this time at normal volume. The horse sped up considerably.

 

Amazing! I must have this horse! the buyer thought. "Praise the Lord!" he shouted. "Praise the Lord!" And the horse kept speeding up. The stable behind them was no longer visible.

But the horse and the buyer were speedily approaching a huge canyon. Seeing this ahead, the buyer commanded, "St- stop! Whoaaa, horse!" But the horse kept the charge forward. "Hallelujah!" the buyer shouted. And the horse stopped at the edge of the vast canyon, with only inches of ground to spare.

Looking up to the sky, the buyer sighed in relief. "Praise the Lord."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/littlekuribandit
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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He dragged me out of the apartment for that pun.

Not a dad, but this is in line with it all.
It was a party around Halloween-time, but not specifically a Halloween party. Things were wrapping up, people were heading out and my roommates were saying goodbye.

They were doing some goofy ass handshake, bumping fists, slapping, all that dumb shit.

While they're wasting time, I look on the table and see various Halloween decorations, including body parts made out of Jell-O. They're slightly jiggling, as all Jell-O molds seem to do.

I quietly mumble "Hehe... handshake."

The host of the party looks at me and says "Are you making fun of our hand shake?"

Without saying anything else, I reach over to the table, pick up the plate the Jell-O zombie hand is on, hold it close to his face, wiggle it back and forth and repeat "Hand shake".

He grabs me by the back of my shirt and drags me out of the apartment. I thought it was funny.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3wThr33
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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my partner talked in his sleep last night

He usually mumbles something. But last night he said vividly: "That is the worst dad joke I've ever heard."

I think I need to stop telling dad jokes

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tbw875
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
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Should've seen this one coming

My mother wanted us to get her bike out of the shed. It was hanging up behind two other bikes. As we went to move the other bikes back onto the hooks, Mom's bike fell over.

"Well, of course it's not gonna stay up," I mumbled.

"Of course not," said Dad. "It's two-tired."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drzhivago138
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2015
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Was helping at my dad's house and we got to talking

I was talking with my dad when my little sister walks in from the garage mumbling something.
Dad: Don't interrupt people when they are having a conversation. (Turns to me) What were you talking about?
Me: I can't remember, I lost my train of thought.
Dad: What, did it get derailed?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jester883
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Wife was with me at work:

She said, "Someone left their slippers and a watch just sitting over there."

I responded with, "I guess time just keeps on slippin...slippin...slippin..."

I could hear her eyes roll as I mumbled, "into the fuuuutuuuuure!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealGreenRanger
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2015
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Pulled a fast one on my co-worker

I was mumbling to myself about what I was going to need for this job we were going to do while standing next to my co-worker.

> CW: "What!? Speak up Brother!"

> Me: "My bad, I was just thinking out loud"

> CW: "I wouldn't say loud, I could barely hear you"

> Me: "Yeah, I guess I was thinking out quiet"

Groans were had

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Revenant527
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
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In a public toilet with dad

We stopped for bathroom break during a car trip, and while we were taking wizz in the facilities (no one else there) dad suddenly goes "Does it still burn while you pee?" I mumbled something like "No...I mean no it never did". Almost got me there.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/elvis_jagger
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
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My brother decided to share a fact at dinner

I was at my parents' house for dinner. My brother mumbled a fact about Antarctica randomly. My father responded, "What did you say about Antarctica? And does Uncle Arctica know? She'll be cold once she hears about this."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ladyvader119
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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Broke the ice with a girl in my class today

I was sitting in my philosophy class before it started and this girl walked in. She said she was looking for a left-handed desk since all the desks were adjusted to the right side. She finally gave up and sat next to me. I kind of mumbled to myself but loud enough for her to hear and said "It's the right supremacy." She looked over and gave a chuckle while rolling her eyes which was better than I expected.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDearDeerHunter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2014
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I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door. Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we flip for it."

"And he won?" I asked.

"Well, no..." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the big jerk!"

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I met Buzz Aldrin once and asked how he felt being the second man on the moon. "Well..." he said. "It could have been anyone. Right up until we landed, we hadn't decided who would be first out the door."

"Then, once we touched down, Neil suggested we toss for it."

"And he won?" I said.

"Well, no." he mumbled. "The coin was still in the air when Neil jumped down the ladder, the jerk."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report

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