I called my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up cheeseburgers and fries on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me...

I think she still regrets letting me name the twins...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2017
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My wife and I were watching women's tennis, and she told me how annoyed she gets with this constant grunting noises.

I said, β€œFine. I’ll stop making them.”

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
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My wife loves tennis, and she was telling me how distracted she gets at the constant grunting during women’s matches.

I told her I’ll try not doing it again.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
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A man asks a woman: "when is your birthday?". To which the girl replies: "March 1st"

Man : *immediately starts marching around the room and says "so can you tell me now?"

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarkKray35
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
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I was at the park the other day

And I heard a bunch of yelling and grunting near the tennis court. I went over there and asked

"What's with all the racket?"

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leaderrzz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
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I earned a verbal grunt from my professor for this one.

My professor and I were emailing about the final project I had recently submitted when I decided to take the time to thank her for being so helpful. Professors that make classes easier to understand and add a little humor to their lectures deserve all the praise in the world, and mine was no exception to that. This was also my first class that wasn't a general education course, starting me on an MIS degree.

I emailed her saying something along the lines of,

"Thanks for being so helpful throughout the semester, this was my first MIS class and you really gave me the confidence I needed in knowing I was doing it right."

I followed with "Thanks for making this class so interesting, I will be transferring to (insert new college here) to continue earning my MIS degree. I think it's safe to say you influenced my decision to a certain degree. Hah! Certain degree, get it?"

She called me over after next lecture to tell me how bad my pun was while groaning and chuckling. No regrets.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2014
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I was walking up the aisle at my local Home Depot and spotted a cranky looking old man in an orange vest.

β€œExcuse me, could you help me?” I asked.

He grunted in response, barely looking at me.

β€œUm, I’m looking for a way to keep my dogs in my backyard. Do you know where those electric leashes are? I’m trying to decide if I should try that or just block it off with a fence or something.”

He turned to face me and looked me up and down with disdain, β€œDo we look like a pet store?” And he turned around and walked away.

I took a fence.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kgold0
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
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A man is starving in the desert and sees a bacon tree in the distance.

When he makes it over to the tree, a robber steps out and points a gun at him.

The man says, "whoa, I just wanted some of the bacon from the bacon tree!"

The robber grunts and says, "This ain't no bacon tree. This is a hambush!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WERE_A_BAND
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
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I just went to a really emotional wedding....

Even the cake was in tiers.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/punk62
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
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A man and his wife are walking down the street when they see Police Officer Ed up the street.

It's a small town so they know Police Officer Ed well enough to know that he can be pretty curt and rude. As they pass him, they exchange pleasantries. The husband tips his hat and Officer Ed does the same. The wife says, "Hello Officer Ed, it's a beautiful day isn't it?" Officer Ed looks at the sky, grunts, and says, "It looks like rain." The wife looks at the sky and says, "But there isn't a cloud in the sky." Officer Ed doubles down, "It's definitely going to rain."

The husband doesn't want to start any problems so he bids the officer good day, takes his wife's arm and leads her along. Once they were out of earshot, the husband said to his wife, "Listen, Rude Officer Ed knows rain, dear."

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/salawm
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2018
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While on shore leave, Captain Picard intends to fix a hole in his uniform the old fashioned way.

Without any replicators on the family orchard, he decides to do it analogue with his brother's old sewing machine.

He puts a thread through the needle, his uniform underneath, and switches it on. It whirs and grunts out clunking noises before being switched back off.

"Robert your machine is broken!"

"What do you want me to do about it, Jean-Luc?"

"I need you to make it sew!"

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MightyOtaku
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
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Why did the sow leave her partner?

Because he was a complete boar who always took her for grunted.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2017
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So a man sees his pastor at a liquor store on Sunday...

A man sees a priest buying hard liquor on a Sunday at a shop down the street from the church the priest is the pastor of. Surprised, the man, who went to that church, asked why he was buying a 5th of Jagermeister.

The priest said, "it's an old catholic secret that Jagermeister helps ease constipation, which one of the nuns has.

So the guy shrugs and leaves, only to see the priest later that day, not halfway back to the church, drunk as a skunk in the gutter, tipping the brown paper bag with Jagermeister in it all the way back as he drinks it.

He pulls up in his car and asks, "I thought you said it was for a nun's constipation!?"

The priest grunted, "It is! She's going to shit herself when she sees me like this!"

I'm posting this, my grandfather's joke, in honor of him passing a few months ago.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/im_from_detroit
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2015
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Conversation with son while driving down highway

[Driving down an unfamiliar part of I-95 highway with family (wife, 15yo son and 15yo daughter) when I had this conversation with my son:]

Son: Dad, where are we?

Me: Florida.

Son: No, Dad, more specific than that. Where are we?

Me : (reading exit sign) Wickham Road.

Son: Where's Wickham Road?

Me: (pause a bit for effect) Florida...

Son: (frustrated grunt) No, Dad, what town are we in?

Me: (reading exit sign again) Viera.

Son: How far is that from Vero? [our destination]

Me: About three letters.

[Satisfactory groans throughout car. Very pleased with self.]

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlmostDisjoint
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2015
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I'm known for my dad jokes and in my first day of junior year in high school, I got my friend good.

Today, my friend Mia and I found out we had PreCalculus together and thus sat across from each other and began talking about our schedules while our teacher prepared the student contracts. (For reference, Mr. Waage is one of the music teachers in my school.)

Mia- "I have Waage three times in my schedule this year and two are back to back." Me- "What periods do you have him?" Mia- "0, 4th, and 5th period." Me- "Looks like you are getting maximum Waage."

Grunts and cringes ensued

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
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Got the coworkers good the other day.

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirbrowses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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Me and my sister

Me: Alice, what is the coldest tree? Alice: What is the coldest tree! Me: The Buuuuurch Tree Alice: angry grunt

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AcidAssasin
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2016
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Went to the zoo today with my family.

We eventually got to the gibbon exhibit where my son noticed one of them hanging off the cage, grunting and pooping.

Son: Oh jeez, Dad look at that.

Me: He's gibbon it all he's got.

To which my sister about choked on her mountain dew

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JahWeir
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2014
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Driving on the highway when my dad starts "crying"...

Dad: "Look, ImRedditingOnMyPhonr, they're gonna move me!" (Pretending to sob and pointing at a movers truck) I stared at it until I I read the name on the side of the truck, "Town & Country Movers", I thought about it for three more seconds before realizing my dad's car is a Chrysler Town & Country, facepalms and grunts were well had

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2014
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Helping to prepare dinner

Tonight, my dad is barbecuing salmon for dinner. In order to barbecue this salmon, he needs to first put it in warm water in the dishpan so that it can thaw. However, my mom is using the dishpan, and it's full of water, so he has to wait for her to be done.

Shortly thereafter, she's done with the dishpan and goes to the door to go outside and throw the water on the plants. Only problem: the door is closed. So the following exchange occurs.

>Mom: Hey dad, can you grab the door for me?

>Dad: OK. grabs door handle really hard HNNNNNNG

>Mom: ಠ_ಠ

>Dad: grunting with effort I'm doing this for you, dear!

>Mom: Can you... open the door for me, dear?

>Dad: Oh. opens door What did you think that was going to accomplish, anyway?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/teuast
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2014
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Looks like I'm ready for parenthood

I'm a part time clerk/grunt worker at my local supermarket. My shift consists of stacking up milk, butter, eggs, cream, anything that comes from an udder. So, to make my existence seem less monotonous, I'll often badger my coworkers with horrid puns. One day,one of them offered me these kind words of encouragement: "If you don't shut up, I'll shove my foot down your throat." My rebuttal: "Is that what people call sole food?"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nunc-Est-Bibendum
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2013
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Just got my sister with this one.

I'm wearing a sweater over a shirt when I say "I'm gonna take off my sweater... I'm not feeling too good." "What? What's wrong?" she asks. "Idk... I'm just feeling a little shirty!" I say as a huge grin develops on my face and she grunts.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Adductius
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2014
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Dad's take on computers.

Every once in a while, my dad will lift his laptop, make a grunting sound and say, "This computer has become too heavy, can you delete some files."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/automaticshotgun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2014
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Got the mailman at the post office

I got to pick up a package and the usually greeting is exchanged, followed by the almost inevitable..

Mailman: "Anything else you need?"

Me: "Yeah, I was wondering where I could get postage stamps to send international e-mails?"

With my obvious joking demeanor, I got a grunt and a smile!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bastinka
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2014
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Milkshakes

So we were on our way back from the grocery store, with our groceries bagged in the back of the car.

As my father drove, we hit a bump, causing our jug of milk to tumble about, the man sounding a soft grunt of frustration.

"The milk is ruined! ...we're going to have to use milkshakes now," my sister joked.

A few seconds passed, and my father simply stated, "It is a milkshake now."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshthenomad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2013
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Got a new ringtone.

I had just gotten a new ringtone and was excited about it.

Me: Dad do you have your phone on you?

Dad: Yeah

Me: Can you call me?

Dad: proceeds to shout my name loudly

Grunts were had.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mrselkies
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2014
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A Classic

I turn up at the house with an old friend of mine. My Dad comes to the front door to let us in.

Me: Hey Dad, what's up?

Dad: The sky.

He proceeded to grunt with laughter.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tit_juggler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
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