Madam Puns

Your sex change operation was a partial success.

I call him Dr. Awkward.

"Don't ask me madam. I only laid the table. "

The wife said "was it murder"? The officer said "no madam it was suicide" The wife said how" can you tell"? The police said - "On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"

Is cannot madam

"Yeah," He responded

"They're Homie made."

Who’s there? Madam, Madam who? Madam foots stuck in the door!

It gives me the E B G Bs

I said "I'll have you know madam, I haven't googled one of these.. I Reddit all somewhere though.."

Miss3: mummy I want shake shake song (Taylor Swift - shake it off.

Mummy: and mummy wants her breakfast first miss3.

Miss3: and I want a million dollars mummy.

Cheeky little madam!

Madam Hussein.

Okay, punmeisters. I need to come up with as many butterfly-themed name puns, and have run out of ideas.

Here's what I have so far:

Mary Posa (Mariposa=butterfly in Spanish)

Coco Oon (Cocoon)

Poppy Ong (Papillon?)

Larry Va (Larva)

Madame Butterfly/Monsieur Butterfly

...mainly I need at least one more guy's name.

This is for a comic I'm doing where all the henchpeople inexplicably have butterfly names.

I'll dam it, Madame It, damn it!

An end-user learning a new system wanting to initiate an outgoing letter to a patient: "How do I start a letter?"

Me: "Usually with 'Dear Sir or Madam...'"

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun or logical - very Asian!I always get in trouble with electricians, they think I'm calling them a 'dialectician' whereas in fact I'm just saying "Die, electrician."

I like pscycholinguistics – the only department of linguistics where it’s acceptable to wear a cycle helmet. My Australian accent is terrible but I like to think my Sath Efrican one is predicate. My favourite accent is Received Pronunciation, because it is the accent chiefly used by invisible Japanese people who are ordered online. When the first recipient of an invisible Japanese person got the parcel, they wrote a complaint saying "Received but can't see Asian" and the name stuck.

Why did the speakers whose native languages weren't English, but whose only shared language was English, but they weren't very good at it and kept on having to stop to think about it, stop talking to one another? They came to an agreement. (Get it? If not, write your answer on a pastecard and paste it to the below address.)

What did the 'a' say to the 'the'? "You definitely are ticklish, 'the'!"

Why was the small man eaten by the large bear, which was proportionately bigger than him? It had, er, relative claws.

I think the reason there are so many speakers of Russian is because they all partake in an activity called "copulae shun". (Ok, ok, I know, that was Pushkin it.)

I know a man called Hillary who can, might, should, did, must, shall and will ride an ox. We call him "Ox Hillary".

I always think the verb 'to be' in the senten

(...telemarketing lady asking for my info)

her: Sir, can I have your surname please?

me: Of course, but madam, can I have your madam-name first?

She goes silent for a few seconds and resumes to her protocol while in her voice, I could feel her rolling her eyes and nodding her head in disbelief.