In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VVIIVVI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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I had bunch of lumps on my skin

My friends started freaking out. They wouldn’t stop either. So I said β€œ I incyst you don’t abscess over this

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Haywired4
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Someone has just thrown a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, that's not very mature.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hirsty19784
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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Just watched an episode of MasterChef. The contestants had to successfully infuse a lump of meat with THC or get eliminated

I guess you could say the steaks were high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ife2105
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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I wanted to buy a $30 meal for my father, my grandfather and father-in-law. I figured they'd lump em all together and charge a reduced fee...

But no. I was charged $30 a pop.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2020
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Shout out to my tonsils! I feel lumps in my throat just thinking about them.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/loathespam
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2019
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A friend asked me how I got that lump on my head...

I responded with i wanted a beer and walked into a bar.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
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Willie Lump Lump and the Mongoose

Many years ago, Β Red Skelton Β told the following joke using his inebriate character, Willie Lump Lump.

Willie explained to the young lady, β€œI keep a mongoose in my coat pocket. Β  That way, when I go home after drinking, and there are snakes all over the lawn of my yard, I let the mongoose loose and he kills them all, so it’s safe for me to enter the house.”

The young woman sadly tried to explain, β€œI’ve got news for you, Mr. Lump Lump, those snakes are imaginary!”

Willie Lump Lump replied, β€œI’ve got news for Β you, so is the mongoose!”

http://red-skelton.info/articles/jokes/willie-lump-lump-and-the-mongoose/

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Some kid just threw a lump of cheddar at me...

I thought "that's not very mature "

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SwiftHadoken
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2018
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A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac in his hand.

"A pint please barkeep" he says, "and one for the road."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/74CK
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2018
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How many lumps of sugar does Winnie the Pooh like?

Half-a-lump.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slidshocking_Krow
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
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I was checking out at the grocery store today and the bagger was holding my stuff over the shopping cart and asked: β€œsir, would you like to go out with the cart?”. To which I replied β€œoh, no thanks I’m actually married”. My poor son looked mortified. Dad joke status ACHIEVED.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DaFunkJunkie
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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Quasimodo is suing Notre Dame Cathedral for the damage to his back from all the Bell-ringing.

I think he might be getting a big lump sum.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2019
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Got my sister a gift...

I bought my sister a copy of the album "Plans" by Death Cab For Cutie for her birthday.

She asked what I had gotten her, and all I said was, "Don't worry, I've got 'Plans' for you!"

I literally told her what her gift was and she had no idea! Except when I finally gave it to her, she got the joke and punched me. :(

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SirFwissel
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2016
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A man walks into his doctor's office

With a large, painful lump under his armpit. In a slight panic, the man asks the doctor if there's any way he can help by informing him of what the massive growth is.

The doctor looks carefully and slightly questioning his diagnosis says, "A cyst?"

"Right", says the man, "I'd love to know what the hell this thing is and if you can help me with it".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ANoiseChild
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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They Were Given an Offer They Couldn't Refuse in Landscaping
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Aggort
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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Stolen from a friends Facebook post

OK... so did you ever notice how every time you spend 4 days alone in the woods and you make it out without a scratch or even a mosquito bite, and you're feeling all peaceful and relaxed and at one with the universe, you're not home 20 minutes and unloading the back of your truck when you slam your right shin into the trailer hitch... and amid the flashing white stars around you, your fists clench, your teeth grit, your body tenses and every "mean, nasty and ugly" word you ever read, heard, uttered or even imagined ("Wait... is #*&%#@!!! even a word??? Oh what the heck? It works!") goes tearing through your brain.... and eventually it passes and you keep working, surprised you're not even limping and it doesn't hurt more than it does... and almost an hour later, when you're finished and getting undressed to take your first hot shower in days, you see a lump on your shin the size of Rhode Island... and the first image that pops into your head is John Merrick yelling "I AM NOT AN ANIMAL!!!... in fact, it literally looks like a second knee on your right leg... so you spend the rest of the evening keeping it elevated and icing it on and off, alternating between a blue gel pack and a bag of frozen peas.... and when you go to bed, you keep the gel pack on while you read and then take it off before you go to sleep... and then you wake up around 3AM and decide to check your shin and the swelling has gone down quite a bit... but since you still have several hours before you get up, you decide to ice it again... but the gel pack on the floor is no longer cold so you get up, walk to the kitchen and open the fridge... and after taking a bite of leftover pizza from last night (because... well, you're here and what the heck?), you go into the freezer, grab the bag of frozen peas and take them back to bed with you... but they're all frozen into one big solid ball and well, that won't do... so you lay the bag on the bed to pound it once or twice to break them up, but instead the bag bursts open and suddenly there are frozen peas sprayed all over the bed and rolling onto the floor... and all those words from yesterday come rushing back into your head as you kneel to gather them all up... but suddenly your anger completely vanishes and you can't help laughing to yourself as you think, "gee, I can't remember the last time I pea'd the bed in the middle of the night"???

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Markwittz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2017
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My Doctor is a Dad

I went to the doctor with a hand injury from playing football (in the British sense). I hyper extended my thumb and I have a weird lump on the side. He said there's not much to be done about it. I asked how long the pain might last. He said...

"About two or three months... As a rule of thumb"

Bravo!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/percymiracles
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2016
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After my first child was born I went to have a drink with my father...

He said to me "Well son, now that you have a kid of your own, I think it's time to give you this".

"Dad, you don't mean the... ".

"Yes son", he interrupted, as he handed me the first five editions of '1001 Dad Jokes'.

With the tears welling in my eyes, and a lump in my throat, I said "Dad, I'm honoured!".

"Well hello Honoured, I'm Dad".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EdenC996
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2015
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A man comes to the doctor with a frog on his head...

So the doctor asks the man:

"What can I help you with?"

To which the frog responds:

"Well, it all started with a little lump on my butt."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Joris914
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2013
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Got my girlfriend good last night

My back has been hurting lately, an last night when my girlfriend came by, she did me the favor of rubbing my back. As she got lower, I told her about a smallish fatty lump on my lower right side. She asked if it hurt to rub or touch, and I said calmly without thinking, "nah, it hasn't hurt anyone, doesn't ever do anything but cyst there."

We sat in silence for a few seconds as we realized what just happened. I couldn't stop smiling, but the house groaned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/De4con
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2014
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partner Dadjoked by our 4 1/2 year old daughter

So I have an infected lymph node. It's a little swollen. My partner was showing My 4 1/2 year old...

Partner: can you see the lump on daddies face? Miss4.5: that's not a lump that's his nose!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elpieso
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2014
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Asking my dad to draw something for me.

When I was four or five, any time I'd ask my dad to draw something for me he would draw a lump, say it's a rock and that the thing I'd requested was hidden behind the rock.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/naaIpod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2013
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Taking a family portrait

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him. To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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