A suspicious name for pizza (Lou Malnati confirmed)
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👤︎ u/DrewN42
📅︎ Aug 13 2017
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TIL baseball great Lou Gehrig died of Lou Gehrig's disease

My best friend Al Symers is nervous.

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📅︎ Oct 27 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’s radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen — in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother — Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an “icebox” a “refrigerator”)

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Nov 03 2019
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What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?

Lou.

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📅︎ May 27 2021
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A guy walks into a bar with a dog and the bartender says "No pets allowed!"

The guy says "This isn't a pet, he's my friend and he can talk."

The bartender is skeptical and demands the guy proves it.

The guy asks the dog "What's the opposite of 'soft'?" The dog replies "Rough!"

The bartender remains skeptical and asks for more proof.

The guy asks the dog "What do people put over the top of their house?" The dog replies "Roof!"

The bartender gets annoyed and gives the guy one more chance.

The guy asks the dog "Who is the greatest baseball player of all time? Babe......" The dog replies "Ruth!"

The bartender is fed up and throws them out. The dog says "Should I have said 'Lou Gehrig?'"

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📅︎ Dec 10 2020
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I took my clarinet back to the music shop,

"I don't know what it is," I said, "I can only seem to be able to play one tune on it, Perfect Day, nothing else seems right or in tune."

"Let's have a look," said the assistant as he dismantled my clarinet.

"Ha, there's the problem, looks like it was fitted with a Lou Reed."

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👤︎ u/Rav4xle
📅︎ Jun 03 2020
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What device does Mario use when he wants to communicate with the dead?

A Lou-ouija board.

👍︎ 2k
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📅︎ Sep 27 2016
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What do you call an Italian guy who knows all the government’s secrets?

Lou Minnati

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👤︎ u/pcanelos
📅︎ Sep 08 2018
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She's penny wise

Lou Costello: There’s only one problem with our romance; She’s penny wise.

Bud Abbott: Marilyn’s penny wise?

Lou Costello: Yeah, I ain’t got a penny and she’s wise to it!

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Nov 10 2019
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Abbott and Costello meet Microsoft Windows

If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who’s on first?" might have turned out something like this:

Bud Abbott: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?

Lou Costello: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: No, the name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: Your computer?

Lou Costello: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.

Bud Abbott: Mac?

Lou Costello: I told you, my name’s Lou.

Bud Abbott: What about Windows?

Lou Costello: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?

Bud Abbott: Do you want a computer with Windows?

Lou Costello: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?

Bud Abbott: Wallpaper.

http://bestcleanfunnyjokes.com/abbott-and-costello-meet-microsoft-windows/

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Sep 11 2019
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Hertz U Drive

The classic "Hertz U-Drive" skit by Abbott & Costello - "Bud Abbott: You don’t understand!! It’s Hertz U drive

Lou Costello: Well, if it hurts, you drive"

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Aug 25 2019
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You're 40, she's 10

You’re 40, she’s 10 – A classic  Abbott and Costello skit, where  Bud Abbott tries to play a prank on  Lou Costello, only for Lou to use his clownish math skills.

Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): You’re 40 years old and you’re in love with this little girl that’s 10 years old. You’re four times as old as that girl and you couldn’t marry her, could you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Not unless I come from the mountains.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): All right- you’re 40 years-old, you’re four times as old as this girl, and you can’t marry her, so you wait five years. By that time the little girl’s 15 and you’re 45. You’re only three times as old as that little girl. So you wait 15 years and when the girl is 30, you’re at 60. You’re only twice as old as that little girl.
📷****Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’s catching up.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Yes, yes. Now here’s the question. How long do you have to wait until you and that little girl are the same age?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): Now what kinda question is that? That’s ridiculous!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Ridiculous or not, answer the question.
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): If I wait for that girl she’ll pass me up. She’ll wind up older than I am.
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): What are you talking about?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): She’ll have to wait for me!
Slicker Smith (Bud Abbott): Why should she wait for you?
Herbie Brown (Lou Costello): …I was nice enough to wait for her!

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Sep 04 2019
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Loan me 50 dollars

One of the classic  Abbott and Costello  routines, where Bud Abbott takes advantage of a common math mistake that we all make to fleece his pal, Lou Costello, out of all of his money.  The skit ends with a simple ‘read my mind’ routine that takes Lou’s last remaining bill.  This routine was done  many  times, both in the movies and their radio show.

Bud Abbott: Do me a favor, loan me $50.
Lou Costello: Bud, I can’t. I can’t loan you $50.
Bud Abbott: Oh, yes, ya can.
Lou Costello: No, I can’t. All I got is $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, give me the $40 and you’ll owe me 10  
Lou Costello: Ok, I’ll owe you 10.
Bud Abbott: That’s right.
Lou Costello: How come I owe you 10?
Bud Abbott: How much did I ask for?
Lou Costello: 50
Bud Abbott: How much did you give me?
Lou Costello: 40.
Bud Abbott: So you owe me $10.
Lou Costello: That’s right.  [Pause] But you owe me 40.
Bud Abbott: Don’t change the subject.
Lou Costello: I’m not changing the subject; you’re trying to change my finances. Come on, Abbott give me my $40.
Bud Abbott: All right, there’s your $40, now give me the 10 you owe me.
Lou Costello: I’m paying you on account.
Bud Abbott: On account?
Lou Costello: On account I don’t know how I owe it to ya.
Bud Abbott: That’s the way you feel about it, that’s the last time I ask you for a loan of $50.
Lou Costello: But how can I loan ya $50, now. All I got is 30.
Bud Abbott: Well, give me the 30 and you’ll owe me 20.
Lou Costello: Ok. This is getting worse all the time. (Look at audience) First I owe him 10, now I owe him 20.
Bud Abbott: Well, why do you run yourself into debt?
Lou Costello: I’m not running in, you’re pushing me!1
Bud Abbott: I can’t help it if you can’t handle your finances. I do all right with my money.
Lou Costello: And you do all right with my money too.
Bud Abbott: Now I asked you for a loan of $50. You gave me 30, so you owe me 20. 20 and 30 is 50.
Lou Costello: No. No. No. 25 and 25 is 50.
Bud Abbott: All right, here’s your $30, now give me the 20 you owe me. Fine guy, won’t loan a pal $50.

... keep reading on reddit ➡

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Sep 05 2019
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Dyeing Routine

A classic Abbott and Costello routine from their radio show – where Bud Abbott is talking about his Uncle Herman who works in a dye factory, and Lou Costello confuses “dyeing” for “dying”

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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Aug 27 2019
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Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Cindy Lou

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📅︎ Oct 15 2018
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My dad's take on Lou Gehrig

Dad: Isn't it a weird coincidence that Lou Gehrig died from Lou Gehrig's Disease?

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👤︎ u/PBJsammich
📅︎ Dec 22 2013
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Two Tens for a Five

A classic  Abbott and Costello routine, from their first movie,  One Night in the Tropics, where  Bud Abbott shows that he’s not above running a quick scam on his friend,  Lou Costello, in order to make a few dollars.

👍︎ 2
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👤︎ u/tfraymond
📅︎ Sep 03 2019
🚨︎ report

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