I've since been banned from the swimming club.
It was a super bowl!
The one you’re not in!
( written by my dad , late 90s)
Lowest Lane
Carpool tunnel
There was no eggs-press lane!
Found this on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”
I guess it's my own fault for using the self service checkout lane.
That was a trip down memory lane.
....you're in the wrong lane.
I must have carpool-tunnels syndrome
Asshole. He should have seen the back of mine.
Turns out he was a shit driver..
Thank god I was dragged out by the Smiths.
Hopefully it comes out alive.
He invited Lois Lane to visit. Her plane was late, and she called the house to ask directions. He answered and told her:
"Take the last train to Clark's villa, and I'll meet you at the station."
Me: confused that we aren't heading home Where are we going?
Dad: keeps staring straight ahead with a blank face Left....
but they keep ending up in the gutter.
Because it's a cyclepath.
Me: Yea dad really aids us in our endeavor
I said, "Technically, they're all outside lanes."
My dad said he must have gone to Tulane university
I'm afraid of carpool tunnel
I replied "Yeah, they're looking pretty fourmidable."
I told my wife "That sign must be wrong. There are still 4 lanes."
I said that can't be right because he still doesn't have any body with him.
They are usually ahead of me in the express lane at the grocery store.
"Ma'am, do you want this in your cart, or do you want us to baguette?"
Calamity Lane.
After driving down the lane, it turned into a field.
Me: "No, you're in the left lane." Her: side eye
I comment to my wife: that's odd.
Wife: (groan)
Me: at least it's accurate, there are three lanes.
Wife: please stop.
Me: right now I can't. It's dangerous with these odd lanes.
The work of Steven Wright, he's the famous Erudite (comic) scientist who once said: "I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates."
1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 - Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
6 - A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you have got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.
10 - The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 - I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ...... But she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 - Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever... So far, so good.
21 - Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name.
25 - If at first, you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is a place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 - Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don't have film.
34 - If at first, you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?
Found this gem on Twitter:
My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”
That was a trip down memory lane.
you're probably in the wrong lane.
That was a trip down memory lane
