What do you get when you cross Scandinavian landscapes with an American car company?

A fjord fusion.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gabeeb
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2020
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What does Tony Hawk use to landscape his yard?

Face plants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Foamy07
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2020
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I just called a landscape gardener round to give me a quote for some astroturf..

He said he couldn't do it because my garden is portrait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Seany_Mallie17
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
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Urban Landscape
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Musical-Comic-69
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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A man hires a landscape gardener to fix his garden

Landscape gardener says nope can't do it your gardens in portrait

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PeevesPoltergist
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2019
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On Call Landscape Repair...

Fescue rescue

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Augusta_Wynd
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2018
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I hired a landscape gardener the other day, but he said he couldn't do it...

My gardens portrait.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/screeRCT
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Why did the artist refuse to depict landscapes?

Because portraying the horizon is where he would have to draw the line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/devnodegree
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2018
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What I love about Bob Ross, is that he always has a happy touch on the entire landscape of the art of painting
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2017
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What kind of landscapes to bears live in?

Barren landscapes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gnsnprwldwsl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2017
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Classic literature/landscaping pun?

A young man named James came to tend to the lawn at the beach house.

He was mowing in a circular fashioned around the yard and though he attempted to do the rest by hand, he didn’t fare very well.

I supposed you could call it a quasi-mowed O.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/occasionalist
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2019
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Not mine. But always makes me giggle
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alca87
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2021
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My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.

He had no idea he had started a turf war.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/flash17k
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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Decided to go to school to become a landscaper.

They're teaching cutting hedge technology over there

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucky5150
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
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What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?

One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2020
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Did you hear about the teacher who ran a landscaping business during breaks?

He operated the grader.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
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My kid was trying to start a landscaping business

He just needed some seed funding

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dashover
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2020
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I’m buying an estate on a hill that is landscaped with nothing but hostas.

I’m calling it Vista la Hosta, baby!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GalenTK
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Did you hear about the retired Sheriff who started a landscaping business?

He called it Lawn Order

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piratesox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Did you hear about the landscaper that got kicked out of college?

They found him changing grades.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/frupp110
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2020
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What did one angry landscaper say to the other?

Your grass is ass!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/xOffthepost
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2019
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Why do landscaping companies hate the fall?

Everyone leaves work early.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trollcitybandit
πŸ“…︎ Oct 15 2019
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All this drama with hedge funds has me wondering?

Are they the same thing as my landscaping budget?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Carpe__Cerevisi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
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What sort of money do need if you want to start your own landscaping business?

A hedge fund.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TOHSNBN
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2017
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My neighbor got a patent on his smart home and thought provoking landscaping.

It's his intellectual property.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/earth_humanoid
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
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They Were Given an Offer They Couldn't Refuse in Landscaping
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_Aggort
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2018
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The landscapers at Johnson Space Center knew their jobs well..

They were specialists in ground control.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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We hired a new landscaper.

He was really down to earth.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lucidus_somniorum
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2019
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β€œSpecial Mowing Unit”
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jennim5588
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2018
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The stock trader was able to afford his new landscaping...

...after making so much money in his hedge fund.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bbbbirdistheword
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2014
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Just got back from Lowe’s where I picked up a cool new gadget.

Solar powered clippers attached to a drone that I can program to do most of my landscaping.

It’s real Cutting Hedge Technology.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krusty100
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Why did Euler lose his landscaping job?

He kept looking for imaginary roots

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zibippitybop
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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Dad's thoughts on landscaping in the hood.

We were sitting around the dinner table talking about buying some trees to plant in the lawn this fall.

Dad says: "We need some thug trees."

We all give him a puzzled look and ask what on earth he means by that.

His reply: "I hear they're very shady."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/localglocal
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2015
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I should start a landscaping business. I'll call it "General Sod"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kcox0001
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2014
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Earlier today I was working on a new house in town...

I was in charge of the fencing. The construction site was almost finished, and it was only this and the landscaping remaining. I did the first couple posts, but then I went to lunch, and when I came back, they were gone. I did as much as I could until the day ended, and I went home. I came back the next day, and they were all gone. I decided to speak to the contractor, and when I told him about the posts, he said β€œOh, yeah. There’s tons of reposting on this site.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jaxerfp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2020
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This subreddit is just like a dull knife

It doesn't seem to have a point.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thegod999
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2017
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My wife is growing up to be a good dad.

We are doing a landscaping project and we are looking for a wheeled basket to help transport rock to our backyard. She said "I wonder if anyone has something we can barrow..."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2016
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Bill Bryson's Dad

I was at an event where Bill Bryson was speaking and he told this story about his father.

We were going to the San Andres Fault and when we got there we were all taking in this incredible scar running across the landscape and my father suddenly throws a quarter into the fault. When we looked at him confused, he just said, "I've always strove to be generous to a fault."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Falling323
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2016
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My dad cares a lot about creative copyright, apparently

During a Skype chat, where my sister's profile photo was a beautiful landscape with flowers.

Dad: Did you find that photo somewhere online or did you take it?

Sister: I took it!

Dad: What! Who did you take it from? You know that's stealing, right?

Groans all around.

(bonus mediocre joke: my sister was mentioning how she writes to her friend who lives in Germany, but her friend never checks her email. "Of course she doesn't, she's German, not Czech," quoth Dad.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorianfinch
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2014
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Group text dadjokes

My sister is on a road trip from Utah to Texas. She has been periodically updating us with her location.

Sister 1: Raton, New Mexico
Dad: That's a big rat.
Sister 1: Dalhart, Texas
Dad: Woohoo... How's it going?
Sister 1: Great. Everything is flat and smells like cows, but I don't see any cows.
Dad: Those are the iBoTs (invisible Bovines of Texas), they wander around making methane and distributing it free of charge. And the landscape is that way because of the flat-ulence.
Sister 2: Oh my gosh dad stop
Me: He can't. There is an honor code among dads. We must joke whenever the opportunity presents itself. It's our respunsibility.
Dad: I'm so proud.
Me: Hi so proud, I'm dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/squallstormviii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2014
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What's the difference between someone who works in landscaping and someone who steals from a coffee shop?

One is a groundskeeper, while the other is a grounds keeper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2019
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