My wife screamed in pain during labour so I asked, "What's wrong?". She screamed. "These contractions are going to kill me!!"

"I am sorry, honey." I replied. "What is wrong?"

πŸ‘︎ 18k
πŸ‘€︎ u/sexxc
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2020
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The wife was asking for recognition over the labours she endured for me, in order to give me my two kids...

So I thanked her for her cervix.

πŸ‘︎ 48
πŸ‘€︎ u/CyberOGa3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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A woman pregnant with twins was in the hospital with her brother as she went into labour.

She gave birth to a boy and a girl but the delivery was very intense and she went into coma for a few days. When she woke up the doctor told her about the twins and that as she was in coma for long, her brother named the kids. She said,"Oh God! Not my brother, he is a stupid idiot."

The doctor told her that he named the girl Denise and her mother said,"well that's not too bad, what about my son?"

The doctor replied the boy is named DeNephew.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/man_nowhere
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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A woman in labour suddenly shouted, β€œShouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

β€œDon’t worry,” said the doctor. β€œThose are just contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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When my wife was in labour, I tried to distract her by telling terrible jokes, but it didn’t work.

It must have been the delivery.

πŸ‘︎ 204
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2019
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Enjoy the fruits of my labour, igotta yeet soon fellas
πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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Baro is in labour!
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Gear_change
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2018
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The fruits of my labour
πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/CCplusplus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2018
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I told my dad that the Doctor may induce my wife into labour tomorrow

My dad: Oh, so 9 months ago she was se-duced and now tomorrow she'll be in-duced.

πŸ‘︎ 455
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sane123
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2016
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Got my girlfriend (in labour with our first son, having strong contractions) on the way to the hospital

Me: So you think he might be born by midnight?

Her: I dunno...we might get in there and the triage nurse says I'm only 1cm

Me: Hmmm...I think you're more like 5'2"

It went down as well as you might expect.

πŸ‘︎ 352
πŸ‘€︎ u/RadToTheBone86
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2015
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A rogue in labour was shouting: Can't! Can't! Can't!

Her husband: Doctor, is that...thieves cant? Doctor: No, those are contractions.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/DandyBeyond
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2019
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This man nailed his first dad joke while his wife was in labour.

πŸ‘︎ 106
πŸ‘€︎ u/browntown92
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2016
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I am in labour right now.. And my dad says

Me- it's like somebody shoved a shoe up my fanny!! Friend- imagine if you gave birth to a shoe, I bet reddit would like to know! Dad- at least the baby would have a soul.

I laughed, it hurt but it was worth it!

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2014
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a LibDem, Labour and Tory MP walk in to an Edinburgh bar....

... "you know" says the bartender "we don't get many of your type around here".

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/KroyMortlach
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2015
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My wife called me at work and said β€œit’s time, the baby is coming”

I said that’s impossible, Labor Day is in September!

(New dad of a 3 week old, trying to step into my new role)

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stairsmaster
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
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πŸ‘︎ 2k
πŸ‘€︎ u/ASmallCartoonMan
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2021
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In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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I just finished painting a customer’s home and they were surprised with the bill...

Them: β€œYou’ve factored in all the labour, but what about the paint?” Me: β€œIt’s on the house”

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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If a woman has a baby on a piece of wood.

She would give birth on the labour board.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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The traveller

It was somewhere around the 6th century after the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ, an Anglish man was travelling through Normandy when he sees a local labouring the fields, and asks:

"Hello. What does it take to become a mercenary amongst your King's regiments?"
"Not that much - to be Frank."
"I see. I better give up then.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roosterington
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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*loudly exhales
πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ‘€︎ u/Unluckybeaver
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Why are most kids born in the beginning of September?

It's right after Labour Day.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ‘€︎ u/Valdagast
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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A man calls 911...

911 Operator: 911 what's your emergency

Man: My wife is going into labour and I don't know what to do!

911 Operator: Okay. Calm down. Is this her first child?

Man: No, this is her husband.

Sorry if the spacing is off, I'm typing this from my phone.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ‘€︎ u/JaYbLeS68
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2014
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I just got my wife with this one in the delivery room

My wife has been in labour for about 18 hours and was at 8-9cm of dilation when the nurse last checked.

The nurse said that she'll wait another half hour before checking again and then hopefully she can start pushing. My wife said "sure, what's another half hour?"

I said "30 minutes."

πŸ‘︎ 67
πŸ‘€︎ u/cpstone1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2017
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Got my pregnant wife just now...

Background: My wife is pregnant with our first, and her great grandmother had over 20 single births. So we were talking about labour:

Me: Don't worry, love, you've got great genes for labour.

Her: Yeah, I know. : S

Me: But you're really going to have to take them off. They'll definitely get in the way!

πŸ‘︎ 141
πŸ‘€︎ u/blindsight
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2015
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I thought the Royal Family weren’t supposed to have political alignments

... but the news tells me that the Duchess of Cambridge is in Labour.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ‘€︎ u/alxhix
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2018
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So he was born on April Fool's Day

One of the kids in my high school class was born on April's Fool and his dad missed his birth because when his mom called to say she was in labour he laughed and hung up on her.

πŸ‘︎ 121
πŸ‘€︎ u/hoximor
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Woman's brother gets to name her twin kids

There was a woman who was pregnant with twins. Labour was imminent, so she was taken to the hospital to give birth. Her husband was stuck at the office, so her brother, who is a little bit kooky and not the sharpest knife in the drawer, went along with her.

Everything goes well in the delivery room, and she becomes the mother to two healthy children, a girl and a boy. The pregnancy took a lot out of her and she promptly passed out from exhaustion shortly after the birth.

A little while later, the father shows up, all excited to hear about his new kids. The wife's brother is in the waiting room when he arrives.

Husband: "How'd it go?"

Wife's brother: "It went great! Your wife gave birth to a healthy girl and a healthy boy!"

Husband: "That's amazing! Thanks so much for coming down with her."

Wife's brother: "No problem. She passed out after giving birth, so when the doctor came to get their names recorded, I handled it all."

Husband: gulps "Oh really?"

Wife's brother: "Yup. I named your daughter Denise."

Husband: "Denise. Well, that's not so bad now, is it? And my boy? What's my boy's name?"

Wife's brother: "Well, naturally he's Denephew."

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2015
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Every time my dad tells this it gets just a little more elaborate. But this is how I remember it.

Paul has a shitty life, his wife constantly berates him, his job sucks, his boss is a bully, his car is a shitty 85 ford pinto with a cracked windshield and is in bad need of a new transmission and to top it all off he's chubby, balding, and he has a small penis.

The only thing good in Paul's life is his friend Artie. Artie isn't the brightest bulb in the world, but he's always been there for Paul in the tough times. On October 5, 1953 Artie stood up for Paul against his bully in 7th grade. Artie got his ass handed to him at that time, but so did Paul. That incident resulted in a life long friendship. Paul and Artie went to the same High School together. They traveled around Europe that one summer in college. Artie was Paul's best man at his wedding. Everyone thought speech Artie gave was terrible, But Paul loved it Artie was his best friend.

Artie's life wasn't much better either, he never had the smarts for that great Job. In fact he was stuck in a dead end job as a construction labourer. Artie's car was pretty shitty too. Artie never married, but he was happy in the knowledge that at least he didn't end up with Paul's shitty wife.

For Paul's 46th birthday Artie was pretty broke, so all he could get his friend was a single lottery ticket. Artie being the sentimental guy that he was picked the date of the start of their friendship, and their respective ages (46, 45). Paul loved the present, and thought that the two of them should go to the Legion that friday to split a round of beers and listen to them call out the numbers.

On Friday they are both sitting there at the Legion having a laugh over a couple of beers when the cute lottery girl comes on the t.v. to read out the numbers. Paul pulls out the ticket and spreads it out on the beer stained table in front of them. The lottery girl starts reading out the numbers, 45, 10, 05. Both of Paul and Artie's hearts start beating, thats 200$ already. 53, Holy crap thats like a 10, 000 ticket. They both start losing their shit. 46....... Paul feints. He just won the jackpot. 37million dollars.

Two minutes later Artie finally revives Paul. Paul and Artie celebrate the night away, buy round after round for the people at the Legion and get absolutely shittered. They close out the bar and as the ugly lights come on they stumble blitzed, singing, onto the street arm in arm with the winning lottery ticket in hand and start the long walk back to Paul's place.

Halfway home, Paul comes to two drunken

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/clearwind
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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