I just finished reading the 17th century novel by Miguel de Cervantes about an ass who works lots of extra night shifts...

It was called Donkey O.T.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
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Three little pigs

Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.

The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, β€œI no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”

Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.

Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, β€œLet’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”

Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.

Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.

Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.

Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.

Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.

The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.

Scott said, β€œLittle Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”

Pork Chop replied, β€œNo way JosΓ©! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”

Scott, undeterred by the reply says, β€œThen I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”

Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.

Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.

Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RageMonster17
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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A sequence of Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with three legs? Lean Beef What do you call a cow with two legs? Your mom What do you call a cow with one leg? A Steak What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef What do you call a cow in an earthquake? A milk shake What do you call a cow that just had a baby? De-calf (inated)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carolineb647
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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Daughter's new crush

This just happened.

Daughter: I like this new boy DeAntrΓ©!

Mom: I can use DeantrΓ© in a sentence....

Would you like a drink with De-antrΓ©?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zackprice
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2014
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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So a frog's cousin went to a bar....

... on Friday night and parked in a zone that allowed 24 hour parking on weekends, but only 2 hour parking during the week. While he was there, a family member slipped something into his drink and sold him to a gang that traffics in frog legs. After the amputation he was taken to a hospital. He woke up to his mother telling him him the story you just read. He was a bit froggy from the sedatives, so he said "whaaaa?".

She replied: "I to'd you, toad, you got towed because you we're de-toed by de toad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dakkamakka
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2018
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A short collection of fresh puns.

Most of this is my own work, if not, it was inspired by something clever!
I hope this will tickle your funnybone and produce a jolly good set of laughs.

A guy didn't register that the wet paint signs about the handrail was still drying, his hand immediately stuck to the rail. My only response to him was, well you see there, it's an application problem, not hardware.

A researcher's obsession with mixing sand, stones, lime and water has started to yield concrete results.

Eyeglass makers who profit well can frame their success.

Joe: I gave the backyard squirrels Christmas presents!
Abby: Are you nuts?
Joe: No, that's what I gave them...

What did the supervisor at the tortilla factory say at the end of a long workday?
That's a wrap!

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare. (Insp)

People who don't answer the phone sometimes miss their calling in life.

His words were heavy, but his friends didn't get the gravity of the situation.

Time flies like crazy!
Fruit flies like apples!

Never let logic and reasoning get in the way of telling a good story. (Sounds like something that would be said on TopGear/Grand Tour)

There are a few words that will open many doors for you in life - Push and Pull (Insp)

Somehow people really don't like it when I throw lamps at them to encourage them to lighten up.
Same goes for tossing handles for when they need to get a grip or soap for cleaning up their act.

When you're on the ballot for the water council and they have a runoff election.

Ghosts speak latin, it's a dead language (Insp)

If you work at a grocery, send the interns down to the meat market to get some red herrings.

There was a river in Egypt that no one believed existed, it was known locally as De-Nile.

Bad luck Brian - Invests in uranium, profits decay.

There was an explosion at the film manufacturing company, reporters say the story is still developing.

Why do bagpipers walk around?
To get away from the noise (Insp)

Most people have a six-figure income, just the decimal point is in the wrong place.

It has recently been discovered that scientific research causes cancer in rats.

In Russia, the term road has had a controversial meaning for a very long time.

In Canada/Russia, you put things in the fridge to warm them up.

Did you know that the creator of Barbie was named Barbara Dahl?

Doc: There's something not q

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/techtornado
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2017
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Here is what my dad posts to Facebook...

It's either pictures of birds or things like these:

"Did you hear about the hipster who burnt his tongue? He ate pizza way before it was cool!"


"I heard they found that girl Amber who was missing." (There was an Amber alert in MD that day)


"Know what happens when you take "the" out of psychotherapist."


"If life gives you melons, You might be dyslexic."


"Six more weeks of winter isn't so bad when you consider the official first day of spring is seven weeks away."


"At first, I hated the speed bump they put in my front street... But I'm slowly getting over it."


"Why is it impossible for a horse to major in philosophy? You can't put DeCartes before the horse!"


"Why did the hipster burn his tongue? He drank gourmet coffee before it was cool."


"Q. How many Surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Fish"


"I was going to take all of my old watches and hook them together to make a belt... But then I realized that would be a waist of time."


"Why all the fuss about the Redskins changing their name.

Just change the mascot to a Potato.

Then it's not only un-offensive but delicious."


"I think the NSA is spying on me. They're leavesdropping in my yard."

Bonus picture status

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GargoyleSparkles
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
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Dad-dom has already started...

27, single, childless With a group of friends about to ride a rollercoaster. I notice that the ride attendants name tag says "DeJa"... and I can feel the dad within me take over.

The ride was fun, we were in the first row... DeJa cheerily welcomes us back into the station, and I, without control of myself, exclaim "OMG it's DeJa, again!" Pause 1 second Entire cart groans in unison.

She convincingly said she had "never heard that one before", but it might have just been expert-level sarcasm.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfouzer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2017
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You did what to a toy monkey?

So my daughter owns a toy monkey called Mimi.. It's her fave monkey of all time it goes everywhere.

Anyway Mimi was covered in flour from a days worth of mucking around with homemade play-dough.

As I'm putting her to bed I'm attempting to knock all the flour off Mimi before giving the monkey to her.

She got grumpy that I had Mimi and I said to her without thinking "Just wait a second Daddy needs to finish de-flouring Mimi... "

I'm just glad she doesn't understand that particular double-entendre

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πŸ‘€︎ u/insanemal
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2015
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What do you call a cow with two legs, and other cow jokes.

Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground Beef

Why didn't the pregnant cow want to take aerobics?

She didn't want to sprain her calf.

What do you call a cow that just gave birth?

de-calf-inated

Why do cows wear bells?

because their horns don't work

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shlupieus
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2016
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Reading about some college football prospects

With my girlfriend next to me, I was going over a 2016 NFL college prospects. Oregon has a defensive lineman named DeForest Buckner.

Girlfriend: "Is he any good?"

Me: "Some scouts think he leaves a lot to be desired with his technique, but I think they're just missing DeForest for DeTrees."

It was wasted on her.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/firethecannons
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2015
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Is that enough Styx?

After coming in from grabbing some the firewood, my wife exclaimed "oh! We need sticks!" referring to kindling to start the fire.

In my best Dennis DeYoung, I started belting out "Come sail away, come sail away, come sail away with me!"

Then, with a shit eating grin, I said "Is that enough Styx for ya!?"

Unfortunately she had no idea what I was talking about and just looked at me blankly as I fell to the floor in laughter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovelynuts
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2015
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Dad nuked us with this one last night while watching Cosmos

Neil deGrasse Tyson was talking about how the earliest fish had no eyes, to which my dad responded "I guess they were just fsh."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GustavBahler
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2014
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Granddads are still Dads

Grandpa: the young boy in the neighborhood is really mean. He fed the neighbors cat gasoline. It ran around the cul de sac a couple times. Then up a tree. Then down the tree. Then it just plopped over

Me: Dead?

Grandpa: No. It just ran out of gas.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Visell
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2015
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PSA: Never take your dad to DeDutch.

Be courteous to the DeDutch waitstaff (and to yourself) this holiday season by leaving your dads at home before dining at DeDutch. Following is just a small sample of jokes that your dad WILL make after ordering his DeBratwurst from DeLunch menu on his DeClub card.

  • I have to go to DeWashroom.
  • When the waitress asks how the food is, the only responses will be either "DeLightful", or "DeLicious".
  • Pass DeSalt.
  • Make sure to leave a good Detip for the DeService!
  • You've got DeHollandaise sauce on your DeShirt!

The waitstaff will pretend to laugh every time. But secretly they die inside a little every time.

It's really quite DeSpicable.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ReddSap
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
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Got my wife just now

We were talking about Christmas shopping. We have a tradition that I buy her a pair of shoes every year.

This year, she wanted to just go buy a pair herself.

"I said that would defeat the purpose of Christmas shoes.

...

Pun intended."

...

Blank stares. Nothing.

"De-feet."

Groans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/themeatbridge
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2014
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My dad laid this one on me right before I hung up.

As I was saying goodbye, he says "oh wait, one more thing. What do you call a cow that just gave birth? De-calf-inated... you know... like the coffee!" It was all I could do to not let out a groan.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cresano
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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My Dad's special occasion joke.

Whilst I really enjoy Dad jokes (why else would I be subscribed here) I cannot endorse this one at all, but every year or two Dad will break this one out at family gatherings, weddings and funerals.

A man was recently fired from his job and needed somewhere to make some money. Fortunately a circus was in town, so he went along to see if they had any vacancies.

When he walked onto the site he saw the main tent and walked in. The ringmaster came up to him and asked what he wanted.

"Can I have a job please?" said the man.

"Well what can you do?" replied the ringmaster.

The man thought about it for a bit before he knew what he was going to do. When it came to him he didn't say another word, but he brought his arms in like this (Dad proceeds to demonstrate by bringing his hand up to his armpits making wings) and started to flap his arms (Oh look, Dad's flapping his arms too).

Not much was happening at first, but slowly you could see his feet rise, ever so slowly off the ground. Eventually the man is a few meters off the ground, flapping his arms, but that's just the beginning.

He then flies to the top of the tent and starts speeding up, flying laps around the tent. He's showing off now, doing loop de loops and diving down. Eventually he feels he's shown his worth and lowers himself down to the ground.

He looks at the ringmaster and says "Well, what do you think?"

The ringmaster looks back and says "Is that all you can do?" (Long pause) "Bird Impressions?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Barabajagala
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2013
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