Jugging Puns

How dairy.

I told her to please leave it in the jug.

My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier :D

The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely

He said it every time, and now I do it when my kids are shopping with me.

My response “but it won’t suit me”

"Welcome everyone to Dads Anonymous. Again my name is Bill and you will notice that we have a new member, please welcome Gary -- Can you tell us what brought you to us today?"

"Well I have a very embarrassing confession. It's even hard to get the words out."

Bill reassures him, "We are all dads here and have been meeting for decades, we've been through all the highs and lows, births and deaths, tragedies, we've heard it all. Just tell us what's on your mind son, we are here to support each other."

"Well, a couple months ago, I broke both my legs in a motorcycle accident and couldn't walk, so I let my wife use the lawnmower." He says through the sobs...

Bob, one of the other dads, starts to get pale. "...and she didn't even cut it in a crisp geometric pattern, it was just random..." Bob starts to sweat and get dry heaves. "YOU BASTARD", he screams. "HOW COULD YOU LET THAT HAPPEN." The dads rise and get ready to beat the crap out of Gary, when Bill stands between them and breaks it up.

"Guys! Guys, we all get weak sometimes and things happen outside our control. Doug, you remember when you were in recovering from Chemo and you gave your wife a hammer, and she used it to hammer a roofing nail into the drywall to hang a picture!" Doug, looks down in shame, "Yes, that was a bad day, I was so weak. She missed the stud and left a dent in the wall, and she just hung the picture over it, crooked!" There was dead silence. "Thats ok Doug, it was twenty years ago, you were young and foolish, you can let it go". Then all the dads shook hands and sat back down.

Bill starts the meeting up again. Then Gary says, "..theres one more thing, Right after I got out of the hospital, she wanted to make a special dinner for us, so I let her grill the steaks..." "OH LORD THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!" screams Dave, another dad, his face turning red. Gary continues "...she burnt them one one side and they were dry and chewy." Now there is a bedlam, one dad immediately passes out cold, chairs are thrown, broken bottles, Gary is on the ground being kicked in the ribs. After a few tense minutes Bill managed to get the dads off of Gary. "Stop it, Dave you're killing him. Come on, you remember that time you let your wife go to the repair shop for an oil change?" Dave hung his head, and muttered yeah. "They convinced her to change the cabin filter, wiper blades and the radiator collant..." Bill kept prodding "and, aaand" ...Dave broke down, "and she bought a jug of blinker fluid!" T

Big jugs pack a lot of punch.

I said “that’s the end of an Era.”

They’re GRRRRRAPES!

Clerk: You want your milk in a bag?

Me: Nah, just leave it in the jug.

Tributes have been pouring in

But so far I’ve made 2 Vases and a Jug and they are lovely.

Customer: Nah that’s okay you can just leave it in the jug...

While my girlfriend and I were paying for our groceries, the cashier asked "Do you want the milk in a bag?"

I said "It's okay, you can leave it in the jug."

So my dad is usually really quiet and "submissive" right? Like he doesn't do a lot of loud things except find the distance the chicken had to travel to cross the road in a bad dad joke.

Anyway, whenever one of us(a 6 people family) comments about something in a small group of 1-3 people, he's always got all the information. He just... knows. For example(this happened like 10 minutes ago): Me: "Wow, this tea is pretty sweet today." Mom: "well, did you sweeten it?" Me: "I d-" My dad shakes his head. Dad: "No, the person who made the tea added double the amount of sugar you previously added to the jug." Mom: "Who?" And then he points to the bedroom before I can tell my mom who made my glass of tea.

I am a cashier at Publix and had a guy and his wife come through my line. Upon ringing up his milk I asked "do you want your milk in a bag?"

Dad: "No thanks, I find it easier to take it home in the jug it came in!"

Dad's wife: "Dammit Phil, you say that every time we get milk."

Apparently, even after saying it every time, it still makes him chuckle.

Dad doesn't miss a beat and replies, "no, just leave it in the jug." I almost died.....

When my dad was in high school, he was the manager at a small grocery store. He had a bunch of pranks he would play on newcomers, but this was by far the best one. He would have new people take those 5 gallon water jugs and have them "refill" the water fountains by pouring them into the water fountain drains. While he said most didn't do it, some of the less intelligent people did. He joked about this to me once, and we die of laughter talking about it to this day.

I said "No! Leave it in the jug!" Can you imagine the mess?

The cashier asked “would you like this milk in a bag” to which I replied “thanks, but you can keep it in the jug”

... this wont translate via text im sure BUT. the other day i walked into my apartment with some flowers and was looking for a vase, my roommate says "ah, i have a solution!" and goes to pull a vase out of the cabinet, but theres a giant jug of vinegar in the way, so she pulls that out first, so I said "thats not a solution, thats a base"

A Christmas Poem
by Dad (1952–2009)

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the shack,
Not a creature was stirring, we was all in the sack;

Our mugs were placed on the mantle with cheer,
In hope that Saint Nick would bring us a beer;

And me I was tucked up all snug in my bed,
But strains of sweet music still danced through my head;

So I sprang from my bed with a crash and a clatter,
And off down the hall with bare feet did I patter;

There on the chair sat my musical pipe,
So I sat down to play without fanfare or hype;

Come Mozart, come Hayden, Stravinski and Strauss,
And write me some music to bring down the house;

When down from the chimney appeared with a crash,
A strange little man in the smoke and the ash;

He wiggled and jumped and got up like a shot,
Came over and said, "Man those cinders are hot!";

His stomach it shook like a bowl full of jelly,
For a moment I thought it was dear old aunt Nelly;

His nose like a cherry, his ears like two jugs,
I was worried that this guy just might be on drugs;

His language was foul, his jokes they were crass,
So I opened the door and threw him out on his ass;

But then as I turned, boy was I ever surprised;
I saw what he'd bought me, or so I surmised;

For there in the corner right under the tree,
Was some brand new sheet music and a case of O.V.;

I turned to say thank-you but found he had gone,
He was not in the garden and not on the lawn;

And just when I thought that he couldn't get far,
I realized the old goat had stolen the car;

Off in the distance he said with a wheeze,
"I hated to do it but you left me the keys!";

I smiled and laughed for this much I could savour,
For I'd just sold the car to my idiot neighbour;

And once more he called as he drove out of sight,
"Merry Christmas to all, and don't drive when you're tight!"

Thank you for everything, Dad. We love and miss you.

As we were checking out this conversation occurred.

Cashier: would you like your milk in a bag?

Little brother: no, keep it in the jug please.

So it's my dad and i, sitting the the car, he was driving and i was in the passenger seat. All of a sudden he seemed to slow down a little as if he was giving way to someone turning in. however there where no cars, and i could see him glaring out of the window at what seemed to be the nicest pair of jugs id ever seen. anyway i got pretty pissed and asked him what the hell he is doing? to which he replied : "Its ok to look at the menu, As long as you eat at home son"... i laughed so hard at this, and i'm pretty sure he wanted to make it obvious to "teach me some sort of lesson".

anyway thats my little bit of humor, not that anyone will probably care !

I was picking up a jug of lemonade at Walgreens (being that it was the closest store) and gave the cashier a $5 bill. Some strange force came out of me, and I felt comfortable with the man, and said "Here's a Lincoln." He replies,

"I'd personally prefer a Cadillac, but I'll take a Lincoln."

Everyone behind me in line groaned while the cashier and I laughed hysterically.

The voice on the radio explained how collecting rainwater was catching on in environmental groups. Some people upgraded from a 55 gallon barrel to a 500 gallon vessel. Shows that water vessels can be a real gateway jug.

When my dad gets milk at the grocery store sometimes the grocery bagger will ask him "do you want the milk in the bag?" he'll say "No thanks, you can just keep it in the jug. Last time it was really big mess." It gets a laugh about half of the time.

She asked if I could get some out of the fridge, there is a filtered pitcher and also a jug.

I told her I would take a pitcher, it would last longer.

My daughter is now eating the left over gravy from the jug with a spoon. Mrs points out how much she's eaten, to which I replied... "If we were to crash on the way over to granddads later and she needed a blood transfusion, they'd need to use type Beeef Positive!"

My girlfriend was making ovaltine since I've never had it (and I'm 26). She asked if I wanted whole milk or 2% milk with it, and I just said "whatever's better."

Her dad pointed to the red top jug and said, "that will be a WHOLE lot better."

i work the service desk at a grocery store, and me and one of my coworkers will often make puns based on the items we return. i got 2 gallons of white milk and a half gallon of chocolate milk. the following exchange occurred.

him: i'm gonna go dump this milk.

me: that bad in the relationship, eh?

him: well yeah, look what kind of baby they made -points to chocolate milk-

me: in a relationship, you need certain emotions, i guess they just lactose emotions. -he dumps out the milk and returns-

him: hey, wanna see my jugs?

me: i had a friend named calvin who wanted to see mine. one day i finally just said, "hey cal, see em?"

So I work at a grocery store. Last night I was refilling the milk case and one of the cute cashiers walks up to me and she said "Hey what are you doing?" in a sly tone. Without even a chance to blink while standing there with a gallon of milk in each hand I replied "Handling a pair of large jugs" She laughed, I laughed, the older lady standing near us looked offended... good times!

Me: Would you like your milk in a bag sir? Random Dad: No, I'll just keep it in the jug. Obligatory laugh because I work in customer service

The cashier always asks if he'd like the milk in a sack. He always says "No, you can leave it in the jug."

"Do you want your milk in a bag?"

"Nah I prefer to keep it in the jug."

Took me about 10 seconds before I realized what he said and couldn't stop laughing

We're cleaning house today, and she was saying we needed to pick up the pace to get it all done today.

I immediately opened the fridge and handed her our jug of Pace salsa.

She told me to get back to work.

<>{

So we were on our way back from the grocery store, with our groceries bagged in the back of the car.

As my father drove, we hit a bump, causing our jug of milk to tumble about, the man sounding a soft grunt of frustration.

"The milk is ruined! ...we're going to have to use milkshakes now," my sister joked.

A few seconds passed, and my father simply stated, "It is a milkshake now."

I work in a pub, and I was clearing tables when my friend ran over to me looking very excited. She pulled me over to the coffee machine behind the bar, where she had dropped the jug from the steamer.

"It's a Milky Bar!"

Me: no, leave it in the jug.

But so far I've made 3 jugs and a vase and they're lovely.

But so far I've made 3 vases and a jug.

I told her to just leave it in the jug

cashier: Would you like your milk in a bag?

customer: No, I prefer it in the jug

No thanks, keep it in the jug.

Me: Goes to grocery store and buys milk. Cashier: Would you like the milk in the bag. Me: No you can leave it in the jug.

Dad: "No, leave it in the jug."

Clerk: You want your milk in a bag?

Me: Nah, just leave it in the jug.

I said I’d rather they leave it in the jug

But so far I’ve made 3 jugs and a vase and they’re lovely.

So far my jugs and vases have turned out fine

No just keep it in the jug

Cashier: Do you want your milk in a bag?

Dad: No thanks, I'll keep it in the jug.

Do you want this milk in a bag or should I just leave it in the jug

No, just leave it in the jug please.