It's like I'm transparent.
People pay more attention when you bring ricin to the conversation.
Credit to u/RollinThundaga.
Yes... she said "I love you momma from over here"
She's allergic to our cat so we keep the door closed to our bedroom. I told her I don't like kicking the cat out of there when he sneaks in.
"I don't want him to feel like an outcats."
I guess she wears the pants in the relationship.
I don't know and I don't care.
Ever since he got that phone, he acts like he doesn't need ne anymore.
Because he was Ostrich-sized
a Breadneck
"Je ne sais quack!"
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
"They become brain-dad!"
he was above it
It’s spam
True story.
My son was excitedly telling us about his minecraft airfield that he was building, and he explained that, among many other details that my brain ignored, he made the runway out of wool. Other son asked why. I was very excited to tell him that it was because asphalt was expensive, and wool was sheep.
It's a faux pa.
WHO?
Daughter: (Studiously ignores him).
Dad: To eat some cherries.
Daughter: (Not looking up from her phone). Maple trees don't have cherries, Dad.
Dad: He brought his own.
I think he's ricist
...so I told him that it was my friend Sarah training at the gym.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡When it's been repeated several times, and yet still ignored.
Sinds then I have started to take countermeasures to avoid that
Edit: ignore the "last" I messed it up...
Whatever that means.
Because he was known for his snap judgments
I don't know and I don't care
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I don't know, and I don't care.
I don't know and I don't care
Don’t know, don’t care.
I don't know and I don't care.
I don't know and I don't care
I don't know
And, I don't care.
I don't know and I don't care
I don’t know and I don’t care.
I neither know, nor care.
I don't know and I don't care.
Frankly, I don't know, and I don't care.
I don't know, and I don't care.
