I have an itch

Scratch that! I had an itch.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alkedi44
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
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How do you make a witch itch?

Take away the W.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper.

πŸ‘︎ 130
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πŸ‘€︎ u/b0rs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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3 out of 4 people suffer from anal itch

Does this mean 1 in 4 enjoy it?

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElectricCow15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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I wouldn’t want to either. Looking at him, makes me itch.
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dxmont
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
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I lost my notes I was writing for my book called "1,001 ways to cure an itch."

Guess I'll have to start from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flashblazer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2020
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My 7 yr old son came up with this today. How do you make a witch itch?

Take away the w.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fuhurina
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2019
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Why mosquito bites itch
πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaggotInASuit
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2013
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My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1001 cures for itches."

I guess, I've got to start again from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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A dinosaur was itching really bad he went to the doctor

And the doctor said he had dino-mites

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Grandcanyon19
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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My throat itches
πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Invalleria
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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I'm itching to eat some bread!

Preferably made from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/maxbrickem
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2019
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I’ve been itching all day, but when I saw you, I felt better.

You’re a sight for psoriasis.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Coconoose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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What do you call a dog magician

A labra-kadabra- dor

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/seatheous
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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I'm itching to see my new friend

Her name is Tinea.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2018
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What do you call it when a star has problems with itching, swelling, bleeding, or burning "down there?"

Asteroids.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Spotted_Lady
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2018
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I want one (original post from r/Badfunnytexts)
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedLeader11037
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
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I’m just itching...

...to tell you about my allergies.

πŸ‘︎ 94
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2016
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Why'd the chef get poison ivy?

He needed an itch to cook from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I think I might have head lice but I’m not sure.

It’s a real head scratcher, and quite honestly I’m just itching to find a solution.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AvoxMusic
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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Once I told a joke about mosquitos...

It was malarious

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MoustachePig43
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2019
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I made a boomerang out of mosquitoes

That will come back to bite me

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GaryTheKnight
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
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I have a good one about mosquitoes.

I don’t think it would ITCH the spot

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jo-father
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2020
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How do fleas get around?

They itch-hike

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2019
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The inventor of mosquito repellent likely did not know where to begin...

I guess he would have to start from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Dad jokes in real life.

Tonight my wife and I were explaining why my son had to wear pajama bottoms after putting anti-itch cream on his legs, because it kept it from rubbing off on the sheets. β€œBut doesn’t it rub off on the pajamas?” asked my daughter. My wife patiently explained that the cream could then rub back onto his legs.

β€œYes,” I said. β€œIt’s a perpetual lotion machine.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jofish22
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2018
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I was wondering why Popeye keeps scratching himself at Soul Cycle...

Turns out he has a lot of spin itch...

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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What do you call it when people pass lice down to their kids?

Hair it itch (heritage)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZarekDaGreat
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2019
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I saw a mosquito in the kitchen. I could have killed it, but I let it fly away...

That's probably going to come back to bite me later

πŸ‘︎ 98
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProducerPants
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2017
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My dad was stunned when I rattled this off

He has been complaining about his ear for the past few days, possible infection. He was saying how he couldn't hear well and how his ear itched but he couldn't scratch it.

"Man, that must be ear-itating"

"Do your homework"

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BearGuru
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2017
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Suppose I made a quick decision to see the doctor about some itchy, dry skin...

...would that be a rash decision?

πŸ‘︎ 159
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ja647
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2016
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Where do you go to buy running equipment?

The flee market

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FacetiousSquid
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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What did the mama bullet say to the papa bullet?

We’re going to have a B.B.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fredtheuser
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2018
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My nurse just shook her head.

A patient came to the ER with a rash that she had been scratching for a few days. I told her it was an allergic reaction and that I'd prescribe her steroid cream. She asked me if she'd be discharged soon.

I said "Wow. You're really ... itching to get out of here."

Silence, then groans. Just the response I was looking for.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Smeeee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2015
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I was teaching in the classroom when I suddenly started touching one of my pupils.

The itching in my eye was really out of control.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
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Dad's fake swearing

"Stone of a peach!"

Was a favorite of my Dad's. There are probably others that I can't recall. Share yours in the comments!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/samspot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2015
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Paging

I hope this is the proper venue for this post. If not, feel free to delete me.

This came from when I was doing production lighting. Every once in a while during concert setup the audio tech would need help with mic check. Now the "real" audio guys would always just stand there going "check check check one two". Me being not a real audio guy wanted to have more fun than that, so I would always do "pages" as if I was paging people. But I would use these assumed names. Here is a partial list of names I would use. If you look closely you might notice a familiar u/name or two.

Paging Mister Lobbla … Mister Bob Lobbla (from Arrested Development)

Paging Mister Vitoomey … Mister Lee Vitoomey

Paging Mister Frescoe … Mister Al Frescoe

Paging Miss Haivure … Miss Bee Haivure

Paging Miss Mitch … Miss Miranda Mitch (my random itch - from The Mick?)

Paging Miss Dactyl … Miss Tara Dactyl

Paging Miss Falactec … Miss Anna Falactec

Paging Miss Tonin … Miss Sarah Tonin

Paging Mister Zinette … Mister Ray Zinnette

Paging Mister Reader … Mister Chip Reader

Paging Miss Kiaki … Miss Sue Kiaki

Paging Mister Doffish … Mister Stan Doffish

Paging Mister Debank … Mister Robin Debank

Paging Mister Festo … Mister Manny Festo

Paging Mister Ifornia … Mister Cal Ifornia

Paging Mister Itosis … Mister Hal Itosis

Paging Mister Saroni … Mister Rye Saroni

Paging Mister Nasium … Mister Jim Nasium

Paging Mister Aroon … Mister Mac Aroon

Paging Miss Ester … Miss Polly Ester

Paging Miss Rexia … Miss Anna Rexia

Paging Mister Zapan … Mister Pete Zapan

Paging Mister Tenuff … Mister Jess Tenuff

Paging Miss Eous … Miss Elaine Eous

Paging Mister Aroni … Mister Mac Aroni

Paging Mister Preneur … Mister Andre Preneur

Paging Mister Cetera … Mister Ed Cetera

Paging Mr. Zapple … Mr. Adam Zapple

Paging Mr. Bino … Mr. Al Bino

Paging Miss Slapter … Miss Ida Slapter

Paging Miss Talia … Miss Jenna Talia

Paging Mr. Rafone … Mr. Mike Rafone

Paging Mr. Zark … Mr. Noah Zark

Paging Miss Yoki … Miss Carey Yoki

Paging Mr. Foolery … Mr. Tom Foolery

Paging Mr. Atric … Mr. Jerry Atric

Paging Mr. Duttank … Mr. Phillip Duttank

Paging Mr. Anoma … Mr. Mel Anoma

Paging Mister Jass … Mr. Hugh Jass

Paging Mr. Onella … Mr. Sam Onella

Paging Mr. Maphobe … Mr. Jer Maphobe

Paging Mr. Packa … Mr. Al Packa

Paging Mister Dente … Mister Al Dente

Paging Miss Conda … Miss Anna Conda

Paging Miss Sharalike … Miss Sharon Sharalike

Paging Miss Bellum … Miss Sarah Bellum

Paging Miss Mennopey … Miss

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RayZinnet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2018
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Here's the skinny

A friend asked "What does it mean if your palm itches?" I replied "I'm sorry I don't make rash decisions."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2018
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I gave an emotional speech at a Visine convention;

there wasn't a dry eye in the house.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/k-smackerel
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2015
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At a restaurant

When I was at a restaurant I was rubbing my eye because it itched. I went to go wash it in the restroom at the place and when I came back, a person at my table said β€œYour eye is really red!” So then I said β€œHey! You don’t need to RUB IT IN.”

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlrightRealNice
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2018
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Somebody better scratch that Croatian team....

Too many of them have the itch...Modric, Mandzukic, Perisic...etc

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sibindzi
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2018
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(Request) Need a good pun name for a YouTube show.

Greeting punny people, I require your services to name an upcoming show on my YouTube channel.

The show will be about my first impressions on indie games that have been provided to me by developers. I need a humorous name that includes the word "indie" somehow.

Example: I have another show where I cover games over on Itch.io that I call "Scratching The Itch.io".

Thou shalt be credited for the name during the first episode.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Patty-Jack
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2017
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My dad asked me if I wanted a Hertz donut...

Back in the 90s, I remember playing some N64 after school when my dad came home from work. He comes into the living room and asks me what's up and, as a teen, I say "nuthin" and keep playing while he just stands there. Out of the corner of my eye, I can see he's looking at me with a stupid grin on his face that's he's trying to suppress poorly. Finally, he asks me to pause the game. I turn to him and he asks "You want a Hertz donut?" I obviously know this joke, but to make it worse, he's already making a fist, ready at his side. I roll my eyes and say "No, I do not want a Hertz donut." He just relaxes his hand and says surprised "Oh, you don't? You sure?" I say I'm sure and he says okay and walks back out to his car, leaving me to return to my GoldenEye. A few seconds later, he comes strolling back in the room, with a box of a dozen donuts in his hand, while he's eating one, with the same stupid grin on his face. On the box of donuts, "Dunkin" has been crudely crossed out and Hertz written beneath it in Sharpie marker. He walks into the kitchen saying "Guess you won't be having these Hertz donuts!" I'm in awe. I follow him into the kitchen and he finally relents and lets me take a donut. I ask him "So, you bought these donuts, and just put this joke together on the way home?" He says he thought of the joke earlier in the day at work and had to buy the donuts for the bit. I start laughing hysterically thinking about him sitting at work itching to leave to pull this off. As we sit there, quietly eating these donuts, he breaks the silence with a mouth full of donut, with "Had to stop at CVS to pick up a Sharpie too." I almost choked on the donut jimmies.

TLDR: Dad offered a Hertz donut, should've taken him up on it.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PriestPorridge
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2014
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I had a skin problem

Mom: looking at the side of my neck This looks like a rash. Does it itch?

Me: No, I think it's just acne.

Mom: I don't know. Honey, what do you think?

Dad: Not sure... I don't want to make a rash decision.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kfree35
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Got Dad'd

I had something stuck in my eye so I was itching it profusely

Me: God there's something in my eye Dad: It looks like it's a finger.

πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/quaintcracker
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2013
🚨︎ report
What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2020
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What does a cloud do when it gets an itch?

It finds the nearest skyscraper

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sburgel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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My computer crashed and I lost all the notes I'd saved for the book I'm working on called '1,001 cures for itches.'

I guess I'll have to start again from scratch.

πŸ‘︎ 109
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
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