Furiously honks car horn in the middle of no where without a car in sight.

Kids: looks up from their phones, β€œwhy did you do that for?”

Dad: β€œto scare away the elephants!”

Kids: β€œwhat elephants?!!”

Dad: β€œsee it’s working!”

β€”β€”

Thank you! Thank you very much!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crewthsr
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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"Honk if you love Jesus"

"Keep texting while driving, if you are desperate to meet him."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2020
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Honk

If you love peace and quiet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2020
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I once saw an Egyptian pharaoh honk his horn and put his bum cheeks up to the window of his vehicle.

It was a toot and car moon.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Them: play Einaudi for me! Me: <HONK HONK>... I have played.... Ein Audi...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LargeCardinal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
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What do you call it when Indiana Jones chases you around town in a Mustang and continually honks at you?

Harassin’ Ford.

....please don’t hurt me for this one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CloudedCrow
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2018
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Driving with my dad, he honks and waves at somebody on the street.

"Who is that?"

"No idea, but they'll be wondering who I am all day"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rebeccab_ms
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2013
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Me: Every time I drive by cows I always honk to see if they will turn and look. Dad: You want to know why they don't respond? Me: why? Dad: Because their horns don't work.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tsteinhause
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2015
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Dad jokes that you overuse in public that infuriate your partner?

So my partner probably wants to stab me more than i think. Almost every time she ask is me to β€œput the kettle on” I respond β€œI can’t, it won’t fit” or if we’re shopping and I’m asked β€œdo you need a bag” I point at her and say β€œit’s fine I brought my own” there are others, but they currently evade my 2am brain.

I feel I need some new ones to keep her on her toes and what better place than this sanctum of one liners (except for this post, for which I apologise).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Dear driver of the car behind me.

Honking the horn won't make me text any faster.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
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I don’t mean to toot my own horn

But sometimes I have trouble getting into the driver’s seat.

πŸ‘︎ 753
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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A clown opened up my post today
πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ilikepie078
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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Why are geese the most annoying drivers?

They're always honking.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chrono_bound20xx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2020
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We just heard a fire engine speeding down the road blaring sirens and honking the horn

"He's not gonna sell much ice cream going at that speed"

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2015
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A car cruising down a rural country suddenly backfires.

As the engine sputters and shuts down the woman driving the car steers toward a nearby driveway and honks the horn hoping to get the attention of a guy herding cattle in the distance. Sure enough within a minute the man has ridden his horse over to her. He dismounts and gives a happy β€œHello! Sounds like you’re having some car trouble. Can I help at all?” The woman replies that she’s not sure what happened but that she would love some help. They pop the hood and the man says he thinks he can fix the problem but has to run back to his barn to get some tools. The cows have come to see what’s going on and as the farmer gets ready to leave he says β€œDon’t worry about your car. I’ll have it running in a few minutes. Just head over there to the shade of the tree by the fence. The cows are all friendly. Bessy there likes to have her ear rubbed, Albert likes to look at people, and Mare will just moo a grand ole tune.” All of it is true and within 20 minutes the woman is happily sitting in her car with the engine running better than before. β€œThank you so much, you’re a life saver,” she says. The man smiles and lets out a big laugh before saying β€œI’m glad I could help. But I’m no life saver. I’m just a jolly rancher.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/foyeldagain
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
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Im going to get a pair.
πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/___jimenez__
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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Goosebumps
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cubesnack
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2017
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My buddy said "I fucking hate Mayweather"

"Dude we're only two days into it, it really hasn't been all that bad. Give it a week or two"

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/1776m8
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2015
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Where do Chinese geese live?

HONK HONK

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PearljamAndEarl
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
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When he pulled up outside I told the taxi driver that I left my wallet inside my house.

He sighed and said, "I'm not falling for that one."

I said, "Trust me, it is."

He let me in and five minutes later I heard him honking on the horn, so I looked out the window.

He said, "Stop messing around, will you? Your wallet. You must have found it by now."

I said, "No, I haven't got it."

"Well, why the hell not?"

I said, "This isn't my house."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2019
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I thought he was real until I was like 10...

Once and a while in the car, when my dad noticed I was distracted (playing my gameboy, reading, etc) he would honk the horn and wave out the window. He said it was his brother 'Raoul', I just missed him. I always wondered why I never met uncle Raoul, or what he was always doing standing out in a farmer's field or something. God damnit dad.

πŸ‘︎ 326
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rro99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2013
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Son's concert...

Last night I had to go to my son's 6th grade band concert. He plays the trumpet. Most of the band, like my son, only started playing their instruments this year so the quality was far less than professional.

We walked out of the school together and he had a hop to his step feeling really proud. It was a shame to tell him that I could barely see him let alone hear him by the squeaks and honks him and his classmates created.

I rubbed his hear and asked, "You play the trumpet, right son?"

He gave me a strange look. "You know I do, dad."

"So, you got to toot your own horn tonight, huh?'

His eye roll was worth it.

The nice part was being able to retell it to my older step daughter who giggled at my joke. A two for one!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobsbattle
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2014
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How do you kill a group of clowns?

Go for the juggler!

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshWithaQ
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2016
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A dad joke, taken too far.

Back in the late 80's, my dad had a joke he loved to tell everyone he met. It went something like this:

I was driving down the road and ended up behind this ambulance with its rear door open. I tried honking and flashing my lights to get their attention about it, but they didn't seem to notice. As they turned the corner away from us, a small cooler fell out. I pulled over to rescue the cooler, and when I opened it, I found a human toe, on ice.

At this point, the victim of the joke is supposed to ask what he did with the toe. He responds with "I called the Tow Truck!" and hearty laughter.

Being the 1980's, e-mail wasn't prevalent, and calling long distance could get expensive, so he communicated with his out of state family primarily through mailed letters. He wrote this joke (sans punchline) in a letter to his mom. Not knowing it was a joke, she told the story to her friends and family. My aunt heard this story, and told it to her classes (she's a teacher) and one of her students actually got in a fight with his mom who said that could never happen.

A month or two later, we were getting together for a holiday and the toe story came up in conversation. My dad replied that he called the tow truck, and his laughter was met with horrified stares. By this time, nearly everyone in the small town was enthralled with this amazing story that my grandma had told about her son who lived in the city. She was imagining all of the people she had to contact to tell the real story to. Many took it in stride, but others were quite annoyed. Especially my aunt, who had to apologize to every one of her classes at school.

TLDR: A dad joke with no punch line doesn't belong in a letter.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/freakmn
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
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Car Check.

Dad: "Hey buddy, can you check under the car? Something doesn't sound right."

puts head under engine bay

Me: "I don't think I hear anyth-"

Dad: honks horn for 5 seconds, laughs maniacally after he hears the thump of my head

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πŸ‘€︎ u/seanmillah
πŸ“…︎ Aug 16 2013
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Teacher dadjoke

During class last Friday, two cars started honking at each other all of a sudden outside out of our classroom window.

One student looks out and says, "Oh, it's just two mail trucks going past each other."

The teacher immediately replys, "Wow, I wonder how female trucks greet each other then."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DjManEX
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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Girlfriend had two groaners this weekend

First one, we were in some really bad St. Paddy's Day traffic. The people around us were honking and getting pissed and cutting each other off. She remarked that "someone's gonna get in an accident...well, in this case it would be an 'on purpose.'"

Second one, we were at the zoo and I pointed out the zebras, saying that I had spotted them. "Uh, don't you mean you striped them?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trumpet_23
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2014
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My mom dropped this one on me as we were driving.

We were driving somewhere, and suddenly Mom says, mock seriously, "You know what you're supposed to do when you see a goose in the road?"

Me: "Slow down?"

Mom: "Honk."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Penultimately
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2014
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Road Rage

IΒ΄m not really sure if this fits here, but itΒ΄s a hilarious story.

A Year ago my Father, mother, brother and me were driving to lunch(or breakfast), when we came to an intersection. This intersection has seen alot of accidents over the years, because people donΒ΄t give a fuck and just turn in. Long story short: A guy almost crashes his van into our car. It all went really fast. My dad shouted, hit the brakes and with a screeching sound we halted. The van just drove on and was before us. My dad muttered something like: "ThatΒ΄s it!" and overtook the van. He stopped infron of said van and got out.(Sidenote: We are all tall in my family. my little brother is a little over 2 meters and is really buff. IΒ΄m just 2 meters tall and my dad is a little smaller than me. My mum is the smallest of the bunch with just 1,86 or so) So my dad gets out of the car and starts shouting at the guy in the van. My father is a real pacifist and hates violence of any form, so we all were really shocked. I look over to my brother and say:"We gotta hold him back heΒ΄s gonna rip that guys head off!". So we both got out and the guy starts trembling behind his steering wheel, when suddenly a giant stands infront of his car shouting and hitting and kicking the air, while 2 larger giants hold him back (barely though) and try to sooth him. My mother gets out goes over to the guys windows points him to let it down and say:"YouΒ΄re lucky my sons are with us, otherwise we wouldnΒ΄t be having this conversation." She goes back to my father tells him to cool down and we all get back in the car. The guy in the van looks frozen at us and doesnt move a muscle. Remeber we are still on the street holding up the entire intersection, so cars start honking. ItΒ΄s then i hear my dad laughing and saying:" You didnΒ΄t think i was gonna do anything did ya?" We didnΒ΄t spoke to him for the rest of the ride, but later at lunch(or breakfast) we all laughed about it.

TL;DR: 3 Giants teach a man not to speed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnakFlak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2014
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Not to toot my own horn but...

Honk!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Muffinman54lit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2020
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