Just in case there’s a salad dressing
Lettuce alone, no dressing.
Polynesia
Wife says, "You know, you're really a lousy lover."
The husband replies, "How can you tell after only 30 seconds?"
In-diana.
We're unpacking our bags on our cruise ship. I complain that all my clothes are wrinkled and there's no ironing board in the cabin. She replies:
"Don't worry. Everyone here's in the same boat."
She was already starting to laugh before she stopped talking.
Pennsylvania
Just lettuce alone
So my grandfather is on his honeymoon with our grandmother and they are driving to Las Vegas, on their way there they see a fellow on the side of the road. They debate about taking him to the city instead of leaving him there, the end up letting him get a ride to the city, they say "Hey sir, want a ride to the city?" He replies "sure thanks", they drive down the road and notice he has a bag, so they ask " what's in the bag?" He replies with "None of your damn business" they start to think in their heads, what if he has something illegal or dangerous, so my grandfather takes action, he goes to the side of the road and pretends to fake piss and opens the door and my grandmother kicks him out and my grandfather gets back in locks the door and they speed off, as they're driving they notice he left his back and dropped it in the car, they decide to open and see what it beholds, they open the bag and find a single piece of paper, the paper had wording on it, it said "None of your damn business."
It cantelope
A newly married couple were confused on how to spend their honeymoon , the husband wanted to go to Australia first but the wife wanted to go to TIC TAC world(coz fuck logic). Upon further debate they ended on going to australia first because the husband thought the sequence was authentic.
Leaf us alone without the dressing.
... but he just couldn’t find time to planet.
Across from us in the train was a very nice older couple from California. We are also American so naturally we got along just fine. As we were towards the end of our trip coming into Prague. The older man across from us looks at his wife and says, "What do you get when you marry a woman from the Czech Republic? A Czech mate". His wife's eyes rolled to the back of her head while my wife and I slowly looked at each other and busted out with laughter. Great way to end the 5.75 hour train ride.
Went to Disney for our Honeymoon last week.. We went into the Presidents Hall, and on the floor in the middle of the room is The Great Seal of The United States I take one glance at my new wife... "That's not a seal, that's an eagle!" I got a few groans and a couple of laughs from dads around the room. Im not a dad yet... But I think Ill do just fine.
Edit: http://imgur.com/dV5hb71 is a picture of the actual seal from Disneyworld
The newly wedded couple's flight home last night was delayed from bad weather. She sent a group text this morning, letting us know they arrived safely. Of course, Dad responds, "Bet your arms are TIRED!"
No one said anything, so he added "Because you just flew in from Tampa!"
I could practically hear the eye roll from the airport.
Just lettuce alone, no dressing.
(Said by an elderly customer to my gf, who is a waitress. I don't condone customers treating servers this way, but it made her laugh.)
Because he found his honey.
So I was at work at the cafe the other day, and a family came in. It was pretty quiet so they got to choose where to sit. I said "Just take any table you'd like" At this point the dad starts pretending to lift a table. He turns to his son and says "Do you reckon this'll fit in the car."
edit: typos
I was on my honeymoon last week, and my wife was getting Snow White's signature.
Snow White: Did you get her ring from Grumpy or Sleepy?
Me: Grumpy. I traded him a case of beer for it.
Snow White: Oh, Grumpy can't have that stuff. He's a miner.
Where are the Disney dad jokes?
Her - "When we get married, can we honeymoon in Iceland?"
Me - "Sure."
Her - "And we can have a party in a fjord?"
Me - "We'd have a Fjord Fiesta."
Her - "Goddammit."
I'm getting an early start on this dad jokes thing.
We have to buy so much milk in our household because I'm such a serial dad joker. Amongst all my friends and family, even at my wedding, it was noted about my bad jokes. My wife of one week tolerates my humour, but doesn't ever attempt to play along with dad jokes or make any of her own. Point is - I'm not used to hearing her say one.
Today, sitting at a bar on our honeymoon I commented about how "these selfie sticks are becoming ridiculous. Everyone seems to have one now. It's stupid"... Only for her to reply with..."I know it's seriously getting out of hand".
I lost my shit and freaked out. She got scared cause she thought something bad happened...I'm like "did you seriously not just hear yourself. I'm not even mad that was amazing".
She just rolled her eyes.
A young man truly in love with his girlfriend decided to have her name tattooed on his penis. Her name was Wendy, and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y.
Shortly after the couple was married they were honeymooning in Jamaica. The man was in a bathroom, and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis. The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No mister that says 'Welcome to Jamaica Have a Nice Day'."
and we're on our way to our honeymoon.
Did you hear about the man that got married to a bee? They went on a honeymoon.
This morning, Wife was looking at pictures of my sister on her honeymoon and remarked, "Oh my God, these pictures of Greece are so beautiful."
"Yeah," I replied. "Did you know French Fries were first made there?"
"What?"
"Yup, French Fries were made in Greece."
She did not deign to reply.
Dad: I'll have a Honeymoon Salad.
Waiter: What's that?
Dad: Lettuce alone, without dressing.
I walked up to my wife and said:
"I knew a girl named Kathleen Lucky who married a Chinese man that won the lottery while they were on honeymoon.
When she came back and I saw her I said, Kathleen Lucky-Yiu!"
(Lucky is a known last name where I live, so there may be some cultural context with this one)
"Harder than a honeymoon dick"
My wife and I were on our honeymoon recently, and at dinner, we were exchanging "did you know..."s about random things that we knew.
I say, "Did you know that drums are technically membranophones?"
She replies "Are they insane-ophone in them?"
I let out a burst of genuine laughter, and at that moment looked forward to living happily ever after with her, knowing that I picked a good one.
My co-worker says: "I told my fiance that I would like to go to the UK for our honeymoon, if we can afford it".
I responded, "You probably can't afford it. To go there, you need pounds of money".
My friend ordered a salad with just lettuce and nothing else and the waitress called it a honeymoon salad.
Dad: you know why they call that a honeymoon salad right?
Friend: no
Dad: lettuce alone
...so a 'salad' for me consists of purely lettuce, and nothing else. Whenever I eat it in my school's dining hall, I get funny looks from my friends. Thankfully, my dad taught me this one to help.
So, I tell my friends that my salad is a 'Honeymoon Salad'. When they ask what that is, I respond 'Lettuce Alone'.
When my grampa learns that the couple next to them are on their honeymoon he leans over and goes "This is what you two are gonna look like in 50 years"
We fly out for the honeymoon tomorrow and she asked if the airline was the one we pick our seats. I told her that it was but you can't pick the pilot's seat. She responded with "well maybe if he had a wedgie you could pick it."
She is definitely a keeper.
Dad (putting lettuce in his bowl): well, it's a honeymoon salad.
Us: why?
Dad: because it's lettuce alone...
