[Credit to u/Vishalbharadwaj21] I have the high ground
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
Last time I flew my plane a Navy pilot checked his speed right after me. Ground said he was doing 761 mph.
Knot gonna lie I think he was mach-ing me.
Remember to lift your left leg up off the ground during the New Years countdown
So you can start the New Year off on the right foot
Edit: Thanks for the silver
True Story. I went to pick up a couple of Italian Beef sandwiches curbside last night and as the runner approached with my order, the sandwiches broke through the gravy soaked paper bag and fell to the ground. She was extremely apologetic and said she would re-bag them for us. But I was livid!
I mean, I did not pay for ground beef.
I started telling my grandkids about how I built my house from the ground up. They complained that that’s the only story I ever told.
Well, children, this is a one-story house.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
What do you call it when you accidentally miss the exit for your camp ground?
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside
Let me tell you kids how I built this house from the ground up..
Kids: Not again Grandpa, we've heard that story a million times! Don't you have any others to tell us?!
Grandpa:
This is a one-story house.
Credit:
https://inkyrickshaw.com/comic/not-very-tall-tale/
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
How do you keep water in a hole in the ground until you need it?
At a rest stop, the other day, a cop asked me why I was stroking the ground....
“Officer, the sign clearly says to ‘pet area.’”
My son kept chewing on electrical cords so I had to ground him..
He's doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
When he found out I was sick, my friend messaged me, hoping that I will quickly find a deep hole in a ground full of water.
I'm happy he wished me to get well soon.
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
My wife dropped a tofurkey on the ground
I said it's now called a tofloorkey
Did you hear the news about the shovel? It's ground breaking. But the broom?
That really swept the nation.
My brother dug a hole in the ground, filled it with water then designed a moving staircase that was powered by it.
That well escalated quickly!
Don't you think the shovel was a ground-breaking invention?
(I saw this in a youtube video by Mishkali titled "Attack on Titan Dad Jokes" I'm not sure if she made the joke herself, but credit goes to whoever did.)
What did the ska band say when they threw their mic on the ground?
pickitup pickitup pickitup!
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
There's a benefit concert for dolphin conservation at the camping grounds
It's for all in tents and porpoises
I hired someone to dig a hole in the ground to get water...
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...
The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.
What do you call a hallway on the ground
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
A rare picture of ground in its natural habitat
I was cleaning the coffee filter and forgot to rinse the grounds down the sink.
My wife comes up and asks me why I forgot to clean the sink. I said “What? Am I grounded?”
Gulag was Putin the ground
The old lady who lives next door keeps talking about a small deep-ground reservoir...
When I was a young boy, I was walking down a gravel road with my grandpa. I accidentally slipped and fell to the ground, cutting my knees. Grandpa gently bent down and began to clean the wound, removing the little pebbles now embedded in my skin as I cried...
I'd always heard adults talk about it, but I finally knew what they were talking about.
I'll never forget the pain of my first kid knee stones...
Can we stop circulating the same jokes over and over into the ground.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
What is the most ground breaking invention of all time?
Ground breaking inventions
My friend saw I was upset the other day and he said "It could be worse. You could be an irrigated hole in the ground surrounded by brick work that people use to get water"
It didn't help, but I knew he meant well
I just read about the most ground breaking invention in the history of humanity
I gave my wife some ground chickpeas and she choked to death.
The cops are treating it as a hummus-cide.
Ground coffee
A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.
He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!”
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My son kept chewing on electrical cords, so I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently, and conducting himself properly
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