A Monk was selling flowers on the Playboy mansion grounds and no one but Hef could get him to leave...
Only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
2 drunk guys getting into a fight. One gets up and draws a line on the ground. He says "you cross this line and I'll punch you in the face".
That was the punchline...
The Theory of Plate Tectonics is on pretty shaky ground.
My wife dropped a tofurkey on the ground
I said it's now called a tofloorkey
I saw a cop zap a criminal with a Taser, but then shocked him again when he was already on the ground...
The first one was probably justified, the the second one was just re-volting.
What lies on the ground 100ft in the air?
What did the ska band say when they threw their mic on the ground?
pickitup pickitup pickitup!
Today, I asked who left their cold-smoked herrings on the ground at the market but no one answered.
What do you call a hallway on the ground
We found a dolphin skeleton on the beach, so we ground the bones to make some bread...
It was all-porpoise flour.
The court released the suspect on the grounds of being on an armor show on the night of the murder ...
it was an ironclad alibi!
I dropped my laptop on the ground, and it broke!
I guess it didn’t have much HP.
My kid cried when his soda fell on the ground.
Technically everything on the ground
You know what you call a cow laying on the ground?
I’m worried my young daughter might have a future in crime. Today, she found a tree branch on the ground...
She immediately raised it above her head and said, “This is a stick up!”
(Credit to my 2.5 year old- inspired by true events)
Just got the Father-in-law with this one... Me: At Disney World parades they keep people in line with masking tape on the ground.
Father-in-Law: And do people actually adhere to it?
Me: No, cuz they put it sticky side down.
Found a baby blue jay on the ground. Not sure what to do with it.
Why is a rock that fell from the sky more delicious than one you find on the ground?
We drove to California and had a picnic on the beach. Had a great time, even though our waffles fell on the ground.
I'll always remember that sandy Eggo trip.
The other day I was walking down the street and I commented that I like someone’s spunky shoes. 10 minutes later I passed her again and she gave me a $5 bill she found on the ground.
That’s karma in real life
What happens when you drop a duck egg on the ground?
I saw a guy pouring soy sauce on another guy laying on the ground, so I punched him
It's not right to Kikkoman when he's down
The door knob on my front door is two feet off the ground
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground...
While walking down the street a man found a hundred dollars on the ground. Ecstatic, he took the money and walked into a nearby store, thinking he would treat himself. Inside, he purchased a large chocolate cake and started walking home. Suddenly, a crazy old man popped out of an alley next to him and ran straight past him! As he went by, he dropped a mechanical eyeball straight into the middle of the cake. Dazed, the man stopped and stared at the eyeball when it suddenly started to belt out a tune!
Well, obviously the best part of this story was the finding of the 100 dollars - everything else is just eye sing on the cake.
Why didn't the Australian marsupial climb down the tree to drink the beverage waiting for him on the ground?
Why was Salvador Dali shaking on the ground?
He was having a brush stroke
What do you call lizard that throws trash on the ground?
I found a nickel on the ground today and I have a feeling I’m going to find a penny later.
I just saw someone pass by a penny on the ground without picking it up
It just didn't make any cents!
Does anyone for how long ground beef has to be on the floor before it’s ready?
What do you call a crumpled up page of a book on the ground?
I noticed my son's dress shoes were unlaced and dragging on the ground as we were leaving church on Sunday. My wife spoke up and said, "now honey, he's probably just stylin'"
I replied, "More like he'll be trippin' the way I see it."
My daughter saw a bug on the ground
Daughter: Dad, what is that?
Me: Looks like a millipede.
Daughter: Well, that's better than a millipooped
I was walking along and I found a book just laying on the ground.
That's what I call "Litter-ature"
An astronaut fell on the ground
I asked him, “what on earth are you doing here?!”
I'm firing the man who looks after my allotment on mental health grounds
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
Three whales fall out of an airplane. Two fell on the ground, one fell in the water.
My friend took a difficult test on the consistency of ground water today...
I said, well water doesnt sound that hard
While hanging laundry, I accidentally dropped my wife's underwear on the ground
I told her she married a real panty dropper
My daughter threw a toy on the ground...
Wife: Your daughter seems to have discovered gravity...
Me: Well, that's a 'new turn' in her life...
I'm sleeping on the couch tonight, I guess...
One daughter to the other: “Why did you just fall on the ground?”
Me, a dad: “Because it would be really hard for her to fall off of it instead!”
I found 2 quarters on the ground today
It was probably a coincidence.
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